Codependent Collegian

Issacs with a self-inflicted chest contusion

(Los Angeles) UCLA junior Craig Isaacs, by his own admission, "has it bad" for a blonde nurse at the Student Health and Wellness Center.

"I dream about her every waking moment of the day," he freely admitted to Codependent Collegian reporters.

In an effort to build a relationship with the object of his affections, Isaacs has been faking a variety of illnesses to see the health care professional more frequently.

"Flat out - I love her," he said, staring at an image stored on his cell phone of "Rebecca," the UCLA nurse. "If you knew anything about the two of us you'd see quite plainly that there has never been a love more pure than ours."

Isaacs said that he first met Rebecca in the fall semester, when he contracted strep throat.

"She had a magical touch with that tongue depressor," he recalled, eyes misting at the memory. "I have never met someone so perfect in my entire life. She is everything I have ever dreamed about and I'm sure she feels the same way about me."

A miraculous moment amongst raging tonsils

Isaacs said that he "knew for sure" his love was reciprocated when he went in for an exam after faking symptoms of an enlarged prostate.

"I insisted that Becky - that's what I call her - do the exam," he said. "She was so gentle and so... so... loving when she thrust that gloved finger in my ass. Just one poke and I knew - I just knew that we were meant to be together and of course the feeling was mutual. I still have the glove, too."

Labels: hot nurses, hypochondria, UCLA

(Providence, RI) Confirming widespread suspicions about administrative bloat in the nation's universities, Brown University Provost Martin Haverford admitted that his position is largely symbolic, and that he does little real work.

"I think I am typical of most university administrators," he said. "I get here about 9 AM, play a couple of games of Tetris, sign some papers, and then head to lunch. It's a 50-50 proposition if I return after lunch."

Haverford believes that he has earned his position.

"Look, I did the classroom thing for 14 years," he said. "Those fucking students will drive you absolutely nuts if you can't dream of a better life in the upper administration."

Taking a Darwinian approach to his hierarchical success, Haverford said that positions such as his are necessary in the modern university.

"We are essentially an academic corporation here at Brown, and it's kill-or-be-killed in today's universities," he said. "Can you run a Fortune 500 company without a phalanx of highly-compensated individuals? No-sir-ee!"

Haverford said that he resented call by legislators to cut funding to the nation's universities.

"Hey man, this is a regular gravy train," he said of his employment situation. "You think I am going to say anything that screws with my 401-K and pension? You're kidding, right?"

Labels: Brown University, provost, Tetris

Big Web Links is a web directory with a new concept: listings are sorted by a bid amount, offering complete control over listing placement. This is a human-edited web directory that showcases the best and most popular websites on the Internet.

There are literally thousands of web directories on the Internet. With the typical scenario, a website owner submits a site, and quickly ends up on page 10 of the results; no one will see it, of course, and the site will derive little if any link value.

With Big Web Links the top 10 listings are shown on the homepage and top 20 on the top links page. Check out the Big Web Links Bid Directory for more information on the websites that are taking advantage of this new tool. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is thankful.

Labels: Big Web Links

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Vermillion, SD)—University of South Dakota junior Jim Whitehawk was shocked yesterday evening when an altercation at a local pizza parlor resulted in a heated exchange of inaccurate hate speech.

Sadly, this is not the first time Whitehawk’s complexion has baffled enraged bystanders and resulted in poor attempts at offensiveness.

“I was about 13 cents short for my carry-out bill, so I apologized and ran out to my car,” stated Whitehawk. “On my way to the door, this fat plumber called me a ‘cheap wetback.’ What the fuck? Did the guy think I was deaf?”

Unfortunately, the situation only escalated from there.

“I told the bastard off, straight up,” remarked Whitehawk. “I mean, after three centuries of genocide and reservations, I have a short fuse.”

The plumber—who agreed to speak with the Codependent Collegian only under the condition of anonymity—defended his right to free speech.

“Look, the kid is brown, who gives a shit where he comes from,” asserted the plumber. “Maybe he should spend more time saving his money and less time bitching about his ‘sacred heritage.’”

Labels: Navajo, racial slurs, slurs, University of South Dakota

Subcomandante Bob knows that you have invested a lot in your computer. Fancy zip drives, DVD burner, enhanced video cards - you've got it all, bubba.

But do you know how to keep your computer running in top form? With jv16 PowerTools, your PC can be humming like a well-oiled machine in no time. Macecraft Software gives you the tools you need, such as a software manager, registry cleaner, and disk wiper.

Get a free trial version of the jv16 PowerTools 2006 by following this link. Best of all, the package is compatible with Windows XP and Vista. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is extremely grateful.

Guest editorial by Kyle Rasmussen,
Ohio State Class of 2009

Ever since you walked into Comp I last fall, Khadeeja, I knew that you were something special. And your soft white veil, which hid most of your face except your eyes, drove me crazy when I should have been taking notes on annotated bibliographies and shit.

All I can think of is lifting that hijab and seeing the beauty I know is underneath. So what do you say, Khadeeja - how's about dropping that veil for me?

From what I can see, you have a great body, too. I hope it's OK for me to compliment you on how sexy you are. You're not going to send a bunch of jihaddist-looking cousins after me for saying that, are you?

Phew! That's good. Anyways, maybe we could get together and go out to eat some night. I know this great babrbecue place on Broad Street that's open late. We could eat, maybe have a couple of beers, and hit one of the dance clubs, and I could get a look under that whole khimār deal.

Wait! Don't go. I also wanted to say that I'm, like, totally sorry for all that Iraq shit, and I think the Palestinians got a really bad deal there way back when, and you people have every right to be mad at the United States and all.

Well, all right. I understand. Sometimes I say some goofy things. Listen - you got any hot cousins you could set me up with? 'Cuz I'm really down with the brown, if you know what I mean.

Labels: Hijab, khimār, Ohio State

A typical POK event brings many casualties

(East Lansing, MI) The MSU Greek Council announced that a new fraternity has been chartered on camous.

POK (Phi Omega Kappa, or alternately "Passed Out Kompletely") is a fraternal organization whose goals are "mostly social" in nature, according to POK president Jason Ditweiler.

"Basically we just want to get shit-faced 24/7," he said. "We don't have much else to say for ourselves. Oh, and we dig chicks, especially chicks with bodacious racks."

Ditweiler said that the group regularly donates to local charities.

"We usually let this homeless guy have our returnables," he said, noting that Michigan has $.05 and $.10 deposits on beer containers. "Sometimes the dude walks out of here with like $30 in beer cans, plus all the leftover beer he can drink."

The group, which has faced opposition from local residents due to its rowdy parties, is attempting to improve its image.

"We are making a concerted effort to require all members and guests to vomit indoors," said Ditweiler, using a scraper to removed some freshly-dried spewage. "That, plus bringing inside anyone who has passed out on the lawn, should keep the neighbors happy."

Labels: Fraternities, Greeks, Michigan State, partying

Left: Debnow hoping for a miracle, or at least all D's

(State College, PA) The spring semester has been a difficult one for Penn State sophomore Tyler Debnow, who is currently failing three of the four courses for which he registered.

"And I have a low D in physics," added the second-year engineering student, referring to the one course that he is not flunking.

Debnow's solution is a novel one: he joined the Campus Crusade for Christ, and is dedicating himself to Jesus in hopes of passing.

"Look, there is no way in hell - excuse my language - that mere studying will bring up my grades enough to pass," he said, noting that his lowest grade is 26 percent in Comp II. "I figure that Jesus will be able to deliver me from mine enemies, and defend me from them that rise up against me. Especially Professor Harris, who is one unrighteous checker of punctuation."

Debnow first learned of Campus Crusade for Christ on spring break in Daytona.

"Believe it or not, they were working the bars and the beaches to convert the partiers," he said. "I was lying on the beach, all fucked up on Ecstasy and Patron Reposado, when this CCC chick gave me a pamphlet. That was when it all made sense to me - Jesus could save my GPA."

The Way, The Truth, and The Last Hope for Debnow

Among the changes that Debnow has made include a daily prayer regimen and consultations with the Campus Crusade youth ministry.

"Oh yeah - I'm on my knees every day, dude, asking Jesus to deliver me from my sins and save me from the academic dean's wrath," he said, making the sign of the Cross. "And there's this hottie from CCC who is totally worried for my soul. If I play my cards right, I'll bag passing grades AND some virginal Christian booty. Amen to that, brother."

Labels: Campus Crusade for Christ, flunking students, Penn State, spring break

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial

By Owen Burns, University of Toledo Class of ‘08

An Artist’s Rendition of the “First-Row Enchantress”

I’m normally not one to freak out over a hottie. This campus is crawling with chicks, most of who are smokin’, so I know how to handle myself in the presence of some WISYOIP. (Sound it out, fucker. My roommate and I made that shit up last night at the bar. Stands for Wish I Saw You On Internet Porn. Yeah, we rock.)

But this chick in my lit class is no ordinary punta. She’s a red-headed goddess, and I swear before all who read this article that it is now my sole goal in life to tap that ass.

The irony of the situation, though, is that this babe is actually smart, so none of my usual game will work. Last week, when we were talking about Paradise Lost in class, and I was napping face-down on a picture I drew of a rocket ship shaped like a boob, she made some comment about “the existential dread of lacking communion with the divine.” What the fuck does that mean? The only thing I know about paradise is that it’s between this chick’s legs. Hey, that’s not bad. Nobody steal that line—I thought of it first.

I’ve also been asking around to see if anyone knows her friends so I can work that angle. So far, it’s been a bust. She doesn’t party, she doesn’t have a job on campus—hell, it’s past midterms, and I still don’t know which dorm she lives in. Lately, I’ve had this fantasy that she’s like, Lithuanian or some shit and lives in some desolate room at the international house, just waiting for a stud like me to come along and pound her in the ass.

So if you’re reading this, my angel, please know I love you with all my soul. I’d quote some Shakespeare if I knew any, but I don’t — my love will have to be good enough on its own. That, and my nine-inch wang. Booyah!

Labels: lust, redhead, redheads, WSYOIP

A Codependent Collegian Special Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

These Girls Are Ready for Class

For many Americans, March signifies the last hoorah of winter, and can appear only marginally different from previous winter months, with its freak snowstorms, high winds, and bleak, bitter sunsets. Prudence, it seems, implores us to patiently endure another few weeks of cold since April and her rejuvenating rains are merely around the corner.

Thankfully, this conventional human submissiveness is scant on most of our nation’s college and universities campuses, where, in the wake of early Spring Breaks, young co-eds are showing cleavage at impressive rates, thus making March the month of spiritual and physical renewal.

“I got my first tenure-track position back in ’84,” remarked Professor Stan Berkowitz, a remedial mathematics professor at Louisiana State University. “Even in the Deep South, you couldn’t see any boobage back then until about June, and that was if you were lucky. In fact, many of us taught summer classes just to get a daily glimpse at those chesticles. But now, hell—March is where it’s at. It’s like a flesh parade up in here.”

Other academics corroborated Berkowitz’s claim about this outburst of cleavage.

“Man, the life of a grad assistant is par excellence this time of year,” boasted Tim Vickers, a PhD candidate in literature at the University of Pennsylvania. “I only teach low-level composition courses, so I get these girls straight out of high school. The first day it broke 60 degrees in Philly, I thought they’d passed some kind of city ordinance or some shit. There was more tit than you could shake a stick at…well, that might be a mixed metaphor, but you get my point.”

Mmmmmmm- springtime

And while some feel that this mammary fixation is shallow, Freudian, and merely reinforces the objectification of women, many contend that it is a powerful symbol of life’s true effervescence.

“My roommate and best friend—I’ll call him ‘Dan’—is overweight, chronically depressed, and has constant thoughts of suicide,” revealed a tearful Matt Suttin, a sophomore at Bowling Green University. “That was until last week, though, when these immaculate cans started emerging on campus. He’s a new man now. He’s hitting the gym, eating more salads—these luscious boobs saved his life. And for that, sir, I am in their eternal debt.”

Labels: boobs, cleavage, hot coeds

By Horace Snelling, University of Buffalo Professor

Snelling and his many leather-bound books

(Buffalo, NY)—Let me start by saying when I was in college, I did my fair share of wandering. You know that saying hippies love, “not all who wander are lost”? Well, my ass was straight-up lost, son: I drank every night of the week, had tons of unprotected sex, and smoked enough pot to kill a small horse.

But I still was able to matriculate in four years with my degree in philosophy and apply to graduate school. Hell, I still partied my ass off in grad school, and it only took me five years to get both my Masters and PhD.

But now that I’m a tenured professor, it seems like every one of my fucking advisees is like, on this seven-year plan, blissfully pissing away mommy and daddy’s tuition money and wasting my goddamn time.

Let me give you a couple of examples. We’ll start with one girl I’ll call ‘Stacy.’ Stacy took 18 credits her first semester, got straight-A’s, and had big plans to use her philosophy degree to like, become a nun and save the homeless or some shit. Then, about two years ago, she starts banging this low-life, and it’s been downhill ever since: her grades went in the can, she gained about twenty pounds, and most of her days are spent attending bullshit rallies like ‘Save the Mutant Squirrels’ at the statehouse. At this rate, she’ll graduate in 2017, and still might have to blow a dean or two before she walks across the stage.

'Bill' and friends, tearing down systems of oppression

Then there’s ‘Bill.’ Bill’s an anarchist, wears army boots everywhere, and talks incessantly about how corporations are ruining the planet. Nothing inherently wrong with that—we philosophy types are kooky by nature. Problem is, his old man is vice president at some huge oil conglomerate, so Bill uses his armchair activism and 1.2 GPA as his way to like, retaliate for a shitty childhood. Last semester, he took four goddamn creative writing courses, and only passed one of them. One. How the fuck do you fail creative writing? I could write a poem right now: my advisees suck, Lord knows it’s true; if I don’t get some rest, I might turn to glue. Bam. It’s that easy.

I’m not trying to be a jerk or anything. After all, college is a time of growth and experimentation—like that time I banged two chicks in the dorm shower. But as my granddad used to say, ‘shit or get off the pot.’ Speaking of which, I gots to jet. There’s a butt tornado ‘bout to wreck the faculty bathroom.

Labels: advisees, advisor, anarchist, University of Buffalo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hask: Taking His Disciplinary Suspension in Stride

(Durham, NC)—Duke University junior Matthew Hask has never been one to fully embrace the intellectual pursuits of academic study, and as the rebellious son of a Baptist minister, he has begrudged much of his coursework as a Comparative Religion major.

Still, it came as an “utter shock” to his friends and family alike when Hask was caught earlier this week plagiarizing an ethics presentation on, of all things, plagiarism.

“Look dude, Professor Robinson is a complete bitch, and with March Madness going on, how am I suppose to find the time to do research in the library?” Hask beseeched as he cracked his first beer of the afternoon. “I mean, I still gave the presentation, so I should still get some credit. I mean, the handout and PowerPoint were … borrowed … but it was still me up there talking n’ stuff. I even wore a clean pair of jeans that day.”

Hask said that there were "extenuating circumstances" that should mitigate his "error."

"Listen - I downloaded the shit, gave it a catchy file name, and even added a couple of cool pics featuring some hot-looking Vassar chicks," he said, pausing to belch. "Doesn't that count for something? I spent like two hours searching for all of this, although that does include my break time, when I smoked a couple of bowls and listened to In the Court of the Crimson King."

King Crimson also an inspiration for the borrowed presentation

Sadly, Ethics Professor Diana Robinson could not see past the irony of Hask’s behavior.

“Can you fucking believe this kid?” Robinson moaned while pausing from a looming stack of essays. “As an upperclassman, he only had to give one presentation all semester in this course, and he stole all his materials from the internet. I mean, his PowerPoint still had the name of some professor from Clemson on it, for Christ’s sake. Hask is looking forward to a lifetime of pumping gas if he doesn’t get his shit straight.”

Labels: Duke University, King Crimson, plagiarism, Vassar

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Kylie Greenbeck - the next Sylvia Plath?

(Baltimore)—Janis Greenbeck, Administrative Assistant for the English Department at Johns Hopkins University, continues to send unwarranted bulk emails of her daughter’s poetry to faculty members despite repeated requests for her to desist.

The conflict, according to sources contacted by the Codependent Collegian, stems from Greenbeck’s unrealistic hope that her daughter Kylie, 13, will land a prestigious publishing deal with the help of a sympathetic professor.

And while Greenbeck is unwavering in her enthusiastic support of Kylie’s literary aspirations, JHU’s English faculty are nearing their boiling point.

“I spent a week down on the Carolina coast, and came back to find my inbox teeming with this unreadable pre-teen verse,” huffed Dr. Jon Vichy, an expert in British Romanticism. “We used to joke about this crap during our department meetings, but it’s not funny anymore. Her daughter needs some counseling and a thesaurus — in that order.”

Left: Greenbeck "just wants the best" for her young poet

Despite constant criticism, Greenbeck believes her daughter has undeniable talent.

“Kylie has a poet’s perspective on life, and her words are pure music,” Greenbeck proudly asserted before quoting the following lines from Kylie’s piece entitled “Witness”:

I am the lost child of hell
suffering, dying alone
praying to oblivion,
a lake of fire, your lips,
touch the blank canvas of my thigh.

Greenbeck paused before adding, tearfully: “If that isn’t poetry, sir, I don’t know what is.”

Labels: English literature, Johns Hopkins, poetry

Subcomandante Bob knows how hard you work for you cash, and how many of you are working two and three jobs to make ends meet.

Some banks, however, sometimes try to boost their profits by paying you very little on your money. SavingsAccounts.com, though, focuses on the direct to consumer online banking industry, specifically finding high yield savings accounts for consumers.

Compare online banking, find a savings account or checking account and earn more interest today with SavingsAccounts.com. Rates for savings accounts are as high as 6% now, but many of you are getting a measly 1% or so from your banks.

And really - banks should compete for your business! The SavingsAccounts.com site is easy to navigate, and you can find the bank with the right options you need. This was a sponsored post, but be sure to check out SavingsAccounts.com and start earning more money today.

Labels: banks, Savings accounts

A sheepish Oberlin struggling to live down his shoddy prognostication

(Ames, IA) Iowa State University junior Trey Oberlin, fresh off a particularly gruesome stretch of pool picks in the NCAA men's basketball tiurnament, said that he "just can't believe" how poorly he did.

"Two for fucking sixteen - that's beyond pathetic," he admitted, slamming a double shot of Jagermeister at a local bar. "I could have done better than that by asking my dog for picks."

Among Oberlin's most unusual choices were Belmont over Georgetown and Central Connecticut State over Ohio State University.

"To tell you the truth - I just thought that any given team can win on any given night," he said, ackowledging that he is not much of a sports enthusiast. "I mean, it's all about throwing an orange ball in a hoop, right? You just have score more aces or whatever."

Oberlin was sure that Belmont was a winner, but G-Town prevailed

Making matters worse for Oberlin was the taunting from his friends and roommates, who mercilessly harassed the unfortunate bettor.

"I know it's bad when every girl in the pool got at least 8 of 16 teams right, but it's just wrong to force me to wear this skirt and bra," he said, adjusting the underwire push-up brassiere that was his penalty for finishing last tonight. "And you know that a perfect-fitting bra should always contain the whole breast in each cup without any bulging or spillage. This thing is tighter than a triple-tied shoelace, and I can't bend over to fix my nylons."

Labels: Iowa State, March Madness, NCAA

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Muldowsky: Hard to make the Benjamins with the TSO

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo alumnus Rick Muldowsky always hoped that his degree in music composition and performance would lead to a lifelong career with nationally respected symphonies, and perhaps even his own meager recording contract with a small, independent label.

Instead, Muldowsky has enjoyed a lucrative, if not personally-rewarding, career in mainstream music production by composing numerous radio jingles and porno soundtracks since his 1994 graduation.

“When I left university, I had all these lofty plans—spend a few years apprenticing with the Toledo Symphony, maybe some late-night disc jockeying for public radio—you know, make a name for myself before relocating to Boston or New York,” Muldowsky explained while oiling his trumpet valves. “But I make less than ten grand a year with the TSO, so when the director for ‘Lord of the Dongs’ called about doing a score for his trilogy, let’s just say my ears were open. The rest is history.”

Shaking the moneymaker

Since that fateful phone-call, Muldowsky has been a self-proclaimed “whore at the low-brow music gang-bang,” working as both a composer and performer on countless commercials and erotic films.

“Ohio state lottery jingle? Mine. Riff for the new Bowling Green University ad? Mine. Soundtrack for the ‘Ass-to-Mouth Chronicles,’ numbers 1-13? All mine,” Muldowsky vented with a mixture of pride and self-loathing. “I only hope that someone at Sony Classical hears one of my compositions while beating their meat and looks me up. If I have to write three-part cello harmonies for one more lesbian mud-fight, I’m gonna lose my mind.”

Labels: Toledo Symphony, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Davison's spotty profile

(Omaha, NE)—University of Nebraska junior Holly Davison has been the “quiet, intellectual type” her entire academic career, suffering from acne in solitude while her peers party, pull pranks, and drunkenly cheer for their beloved Huskers any given Saturday.

However, Davison decided to do away with her old image this fall, and has reinvented herself as Nebraska’s newest slut as a means to overcome her blotchy complexion.

“She’s got a great body and face, but bro, those zits could stop traffic,” recalled Zach ‘Attack’ Gibbons, a leading member of the Pi Gamma Mu fraternity. “I couldn’t help myself last Friday though—she was all over me after two beers, and whispered some of the nastiest shit I’ve ever heard. Next morning I had to Google ‘Indian Teabag’ to see if it was legal. I’ll say this: it shouldn’t be.”

Not surprisingly, Gibbons is only one of a growing number of students who have been at the precarious crossroads between sexual intrigue and dermatological repulsion with Davison’s blatant advances.

“Yeah, I bagged that Davison chick — twice in the same night,” reflected Jon Michaels, a backup javelin thrower on the Huskers outdoor track team. “I dribbled a pearl necklace all around those neck zits of hers, too…there’s a picture on [roommate] Carl’s MySpace page, if you want to check it out.”

Left: If you've got a pulse, you're golden, dude

And while many of Davison’s most intimate associates have expressed concern about her newfound promiscuity, only time will tell if she will abandon such wanton behavior.

“I brought it up — you know, how she’s fucking everybody on campus now — when we were studying last Tuesday,” recollected Sarah Hopkins, a close friend. “But then she tried to kiss me. It was gross - full tongue. As soon as I get my panties back, I’m never talking to her again.”

Labels: acne, promiscuity

Subcomandante Bob heartily recommends that you take a look at Zookoda, which is an email marketing application designed specifically for bloggers like you.

Using Zookoda allows you to send a daily, weekly or monthly summary of your latest blog posts directly into the inbox of your vistors. This type of email marketing puts you ahead of the rest of the pack, especially those companies that try to rely on search engines alone.

Zookoda helps you manage email newsletter subscribers while enhancing your blog with custom newsletter subscription forms. You can schedule recurring broadcasts by day, week or month, and subscribers can view real-time reports on customers choosing the open, bounce, click and unsubscribe options. Even more importantly, Zookoda lets you access mobile users by emailing blog content in a text format.

If you don't happen to use a true blogging format, as a content provider Zookoda email offers you a method of broadcasting content and attracting visitors back to your site; these are great benefits to content providers with RSS or ATOM feeds.

The system itself is so easy that even a techno-challenged guy like Bob can handle it. Zookoda provides you with the HTML code for a Zookoda subscription form which you then place on your blog. Readers subscribe by entering their email addresses. Zookoda next stores these details and adds them to your mailing list. Finally, using Zookoda you can identify which feed you want to broadcast, select a template, schedule a broadcast and track the results.

This was a sponsored post, but Bob is quite excited about the ingenuity of the Zookoda software.

Labels: email marketing, Zookoda

(Ann Arbor, MI) This spring break was going to be a memorable one for Kyle Neary, but the University of Michigan sophomore found that his time away from the college grind left something to be desired.

In fact, claimed Neary, his break has been "one nasty piece of corn-flecked turd."

"I had big plans - we were going to hit Daytona, meet some babes, and party for nine straight days," mused Neary, sitting on a couch in his parents' home watching an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants with his kid brother. "But every one of my so-called friends backed out, and here I am, having the worst of all possible spring breaks. Fuck me."

Neary said he still had hopes of "salvaging something" from his break earlier in the week.

"Me, Brad, and Matt were going to drive like mad to Jacksonville so we could go to the Taste of Chaos Tour at the Morocco Shrine Auditorium, but the gaywads backed out on Tuesday," he said, throwing a dirty sock at his brother. "Matt's all like: 'Oh, my mom's not going to like me driving her minivan all the way to Florida' and shit. Come on, dude - the bitch is, like, in New York with her boyfriend for the weekend. Matt's so totally gay."

What is and what will never be

Neary said that he has resigned himself to the fact that his spring break is doomed to "epic fail."

"I'm pretty much fucked four ways to midnight," he said, stuffing his brother upside-down into a sleeping bag. "It will take a miracle for something to happen now, especially since there's only two days left until I go back to U of M. Even the cum dumpster chicks are all out of town, so I can't even get nine minutes of skanky car sex with someone like [noted slut] Marissa Prouty. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, or some shit like that."

Labels: spring break, Taste of Chaos, University of Michigan

Guest advice column by college freshman Kyle Hofstrau

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years, and things are getting pretty serious. Still, I'm not sure we are ready for marriage (he's 22 and I'm 21), but I think he's about to propose. What should I do?
-----Jada in State College, PA

Dear Jada:

Jesus Christ, I haven't been with a girl since 8th grade, and, considering she was my second cousin, I'm not sure that counts. Plus, all I did was cop a quick feel, and it really wasn't worth getting caught, plus the counseling sessions and being politely barred from all future family reunions. Listen - if things don't work out, could I like call you sometime? Well, thanks anyhow.

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

My boyfriend has been cheating on me with another girl in my sorority, and now I have two problems: a guy I don't trust and a skanky hoe of a sorority 'sister' who would spread her legs to anyone who would say 'boo.' HELP!!
-----Larissa in Des Moines

Dear Larissa:

Man, what I would give to have a girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, and I would do anything she asked of me. I would bring her flowers in the morning, kisses in the afternoon, and strawberries at bedtime. By the way - can I have the number of that girl from your sorority house? What?!?! She moved out? Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. DAMMITT!!! I have the worst luck.

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

I have a real problem here. My girlfriend's best friend, who is really hot and really smart, has been hinting that she'd like to start going out with me. I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, but I am really attracted to her best friend. What would you do?
-----Torn in Tempe

Dear Torn:

Are you kidding me? Are you really just fucking with me? I haven't been with a girl in so long that my cock is about to wither from disuse, and you wind up with TWO hotties? Where's the justice, man? Just die, man, DIE. What did I ever do to God to make Him start toying with me, anyways? My life is beyond pathetic.

Labels: college freshman, hard-up, pathetic life

(Toledo, OH) Junior finance major Megan Vandersteen thought she was signing up for a "nice little Humanities class" when she registered for Intro to Philosophy, but she got more than she bargained for.

"All I wanted to do was kill a requirement and have some fun," she said, staring down at her feet. "Now I am all messed up in the head, thanks to that professor."

The third-year student said that, since taking the course, she has begun to question her values.

"I had it all planned out: BA, MBA, corporate career, CEO of a mid-sized investment bank, the whole bit," she said. "Now I'm thinking about crazy shit like the Peace Corps and social work. I want my old life back."

Philosophy professor Greg Schadenfreude took issue with Vandersteen's comments, noting that the student may have had unrealistic expectations.

"Look, it's an intro course that covers everything from Aristotle to Foucault," he said. "It's not my fault that this whack job took all that stuff seriously."

Schadenfreude said that the confused student is beginning to appear threatening.

"OK, I understand the calls to my house and office during the term," he said. "But this psycho is hanging around my lake cottage, leaving treatises on my windshield, and even sitting next to me at Mass. I'm getting a little freaked here."

Vandersteen said that she would gladly stop pestering the instructor, who has been "less than helpful" in her time of need.

"All I want is what that man took from me," she said.

Labels: philosophy, University of Toledo

Subcomandante Bob's life has been one long narrative of addiction, and he considers himself to be an expert on the subject. Moreover, as a graduate of several drug treatment programs, he believes he is uniquely positioned to offer opinions on matters rehab.

Thus, it was with interest that Bob read of the drug treatment referral services offered by 1-800-NODRUGS.com, which helps you find the treatment center that is best suited to your particular needs. Plus, the compassionate and knowledgeable counselors at 1-800-NODRUGS.com can help you make the most effective decisions.

The site offers informative articles, conducts online assessments, helps you arrange financing, and even takes international inquiries. The decision to undergo drug treatment is not an easy one, and it is important to make sure that you are matched with a facility that meets your unique situation. This was a sponsored post.

Labels: addiction referral, drug treatment

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hertridge: Clumsier than a drunken midget in a dildo factory

(Washington, DC)—Georgetown University freshman Chad Hertridge has never been a responsible fellow: as a child, he broke most of his mother’s good china, smeared Easter chocolate on the family Bible, and soiled most of his ‘school clothes’ while playing in the backyard.

Hertridge had hoped this streak of capriciousness would end when he began college, but sadly, he has lost all four of his course syllabi a record nineteen times, and is utterly unprepared for the midterms which begin next week.

“Holy fuck, I’m screwed,” Hertridge bemoaned while dousing a spaghetti-stained pair of slacks with pretreatment gel. “Dr. Rabkowski [professor of philosophy] is like, the meanest S.O.B. on campus, and I’m averaging three syllabi a week in his course. Hell, I lost my copy on the way from his office back to my dorm room. He’s probably killed an entire Albertan forest for me.”

The syllabus that just won't stick

Hertridge continued to explain how his “old tricks” from high school no longer worked in the collegiate setting.

“Man, in high school, I would just show up to class about 7-8 minutes early, ask some geeky chick what the homework was, and pound that shit out,” Hertridge remarked. “That don’t fly anymore, though. Hell, I can’t get anybody to even talk to me in my bio class. My lab partner said that if I speak to her again this semester, she would pepper-spray my ass. So much for that Japanese cordiality.”

Labels: Georgetown University, philosophy, syllabus

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Orono, ME)—University of Maine sophomore Tim Foster accidentally viewed an entire afternoon of British parliamentary debate yesterday on C-SPAN after smoking “one ferociously potent” bong-load of Maui Wowie, according to local reports.

And while Foster has two lengthy research papers due next week and an impressive mound of unwashed boxer shorts, he felt his time was well spent.

“Dude, it was like I was on another planet,” remarked Foster in an exclusive interview with the Collegian. “They kept saying shit like, ‘I disagree with the right honorable gentleman from Keswick.’ I swear, those French guys are off the hook.”

Foster’s elder roommate, Marcus Sheridan, was not amused by the situation, however.

“This week it’s Parliament, last week it was figure skating in Turin…that fucker is a waste of life,” Sheridan scoffed. “My parents are picking me up from Spring Break on Sunday. How am I gonna explain why our room reeks like a Phish concert?”

Labels: C-SPAN, Maui Wowie, Parliament

Subcomandante Bob sure does. Get paid for recycling by following this link to learn more about FundingFactory.com, which pays schools and nonprofit groups that recycle used printer cartridges and cell phones.

There is no cost to participate in the programs offered by FundingFactory.com, and you can get immediate access to an online account when you sign up. Since 1997, program participants have earned a combined $15 million in cash and rewards.

The company accepts about 85% of the printer cartridges on the market, as well as most of the major brands of cell phones. This was a sponsored post.

Guest editorial by Doug Minnick, University of Michigan Class of 2010

There's been a lot of talk in the news about creating biofuels, which may help us get out of our energy crisis. Some people think that biofuels will one day replace petroleum-based energy resources.

That being said, just pull my finger and I'll give you a sample of biofuel experiment I've been cooking up.

My alternative energy project began about 8:00 pm last night, when me and Kyle and Will stopped by Taco Bell to obtain some biomass. The experiment kicked into high gear with the addition of numerous 40-ounce liquid catalysts.

Usually, production of biofuels from raw materials requires energy, like in farming, transportation and conversion to the final product. But my biofuel is ready to burn, and all you have to do is pull mah finger.

Labels: biofuels, biomass, University of Michigan

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Rowland: Hard at work stealing the ideas of other people

(Ann Arbor, MI)—It has been no secret this semester that University of Michigan sophomore Grace Rowland is, by all accounts, “dumber than a retarded deer slurping antifreeze,” and her struggles in advanced composition have been well-documented by her peers as well as her instructor.

But it still came as a shock, says Professor Upton Matthews, when she steadfastly denied plagiarizing her last essay of the semester, and had the “thickheaded audacity” to coyly flirt her way through his confrontation.

“Some academics still want to debate the finer points of plagiarism, and I respect that,” Matthews mumbled between bites from a tuna sandwich during his office hours yesterday afternoon. “But this is what we call a slam dunk: I found this girl’s first three paragraphs on freecollegepapers.com. Let’s just say I don’t remember her attending my lecture on Shakespeare’s sonnets and ‘verisimilitude’ this semester.”

So, like, this Shakespeare dude? He was all up into this girl's verisimilitude and stuff.

Rowland’s classmates also commented on her intellectual deficiencies.

“Earlier this week she asked me to help her revise this last essay,” recalled Literature major Ian Bolger, as he sat nestled deep within the stacks of Shapiro Library. “I knew she stole most of it, so I nervously said something about citations. She was like a stoner with a Rubik’s Cube—she just stared blankly, as if she’d never heard of citations in her life.”

When finally confronted, Rowland chose the path of denial rather than disclosure, so only the final exam and fate will decide whether or not she can successfully complete the course.

“Brother, she knew she was busted, but she gave me this long song-and-dance about being alone at night, not having anyone to help her study, etcetera,” Matthews affirmed. “Meanwhile, she stripped her sweater off, tied it right under her tits, and breathily asked to talk with me ‘in private.’ What a dumbass. When she saw the Rainbow Pride poster back in my office, she knew the jig was up.”

Labels: plagiarism, University of Michigan

It was not so very long ago that Subcomandante Bob was an undergraduate, so he knows all about the struggle to get through college. "D," as we all know, stands for "Diploma," and unfortunately most of Bob's grades fell into this ignoble category.

Unfortunately for Bob, he was never able to take advantage of such great innovations as the ProProfs Quiz School,a learning tool that enables educators to utilize the power of the Internet to create online quizzes and practice tests for their students, without requiring software download.

With the large number and variety of quizzes available at Quiz School, educators and students no longer need to sift through the Web to find the exact quiz they need for a given topic.

For a virtual tour follow this link to learn more about ProProfs Quiz School. This was a sponsored post.

Labels: ProProfs.com