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March 1, 2007

Student Pleads Ignorance and Hotness in Defense of Plagiarism

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Rowland: Hard at work stealing the ideas of other people

(Ann Arbor, MI)—It has been no secret this semester that University of Michigan sophomore Grace Rowland is, by all accounts, “dumber than a retarded deer slurping antifreeze,” and her struggles in advanced composition have been well-documented by her peers as well as her instructor.

But it still came as a shock, says Professor Upton Matthews, when she steadfastly denied plagiarizing her last essay of the semester, and had the “thickheaded audacity” to coyly flirt her way through his confrontation.

“Some academics still want to debate the finer points of plagiarism, and I respect that,” Matthews mumbled between bites from a tuna sandwich during his office hours yesterday afternoon. “But this is what we call a slam dunk: I found this girl’s first three paragraphs on freecollegepapers.com. Let’s just say I don’t remember her attending my lecture on Shakespeare’s sonnets and ‘verisimilitude’ this semester.”

So, like, this Shakespeare dude? He was all up into this girl's verisimilitude and stuff.

Rowland’s classmates also commented on her intellectual deficiencies.

“Earlier this week she asked me to help her revise this last essay,” recalled Literature major Ian Bolger, as he sat nestled deep within the stacks of Shapiro Library. “I knew she stole most of it, so I nervously said something about citations. She was like a stoner with a Rubik’s Cube—she just stared blankly, as if she’d never heard of citations in her life.”

When finally confronted, Rowland chose the path of denial rather than disclosure, so only the final exam and fate will decide whether or not she can successfully complete the course.

“Brother, she knew she was busted, but she gave me this long song-and-dance about being alone at night, not having anyone to help her study, etcetera,” Matthews affirmed. “Meanwhile, she stripped her sweater off, tied it right under her tits, and breathily asked to talk with me ‘in private.’ What a dumbass. When she saw the Rainbow Pride poster back in my office, she knew the jig was up.”

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