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May 29, 2006

Summer Campus "Just Like TV's 'Lost,'" Says Student

(Ann Arbor, MI) Screwing around last winter "seemeed like a good idea at the time," said sophomore Brad Islington, but now the business major finds himself needing to take summer classes to replace the ones he flunked.

Worse than that, said Islington, is that the campus is "like, totally dead."

"It's just like that TV show 'Lost," except I can still get a pizza delivered," he said. "Try to buy some weed in this town. It's like that one scene: "We need to find some medicine. But I already went through all the bags. What about the ones on the plane. Uh dude? The bodies are in there!!" Well, except the only dead bodies are in the U of M hospital morgue, plus the skanks at Kappa Alpha Theta."

Islington said that everyday living in the college town during summer is just like life on the "Lost" island.

"Summer school students are like the show's survivors, who are forced to find inner strength they never knew they had in order to survive," he said. "We are faced with all sorts of calamities here, like trouble with air conditioning and cafeterias that close at 7:00 instead of 9:00. It's pretty tough."

Unlike the characters on "Lost," though, Islington said that summer school has one bright spot.

"It definitely ends for us in August," he said. "Those "Lost" people may never get off that island, although you have to wonder how we get to watch the film if nobody knows where they are, and why the survivors never notice the ABC cameras. That's some freaky shit, there."American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi Friki

May 26, 2006

Perpetual Stink Abides in Varsity Clubhouse

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(State College, PA)—After a remarkable 11-1 season, Penn State’s Nittany Lions returned to their legacy of impeccable athleticism last fall, and not only won the 2006 Orange Bowl, but finished the year ranked No. 3 overall in the nation.

Sadly, while the players returned home to their families after the spring term ended, their collective cloud of swamp-ass has lingered in the team clubhouse, foiling every effort by contractual custodial workers to exorcise the stench.

“That place smells worse than a fishing village in Nha Trang,” remarked Stan Pinski, a retired Army infantryman and thirty year veteran of the janitorial arts. “Seriously, I’m not fucking around—last Tuesday we threw 20 gallons of bleach on the showers and floors, and Bill [Montoya, a fellow custodian] almost barfed before we made it out.”

And while such matters may seem of minor concern during the early weeks of summer, Pinski is quick to show the impending repercussions of letting the stink fester.

“You know, they have to give tours of this place to new students and their mommies,” Pinski lamented. “I can’t have some cow from Altoona fainting in here—I still have shrapnel in my back, and Uncle Sam don’t pay the bills the way he used to. Where’s some napalm when ya need it?” American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi Friki

May 24, 2006

Opinion: C'mon and Sell Me This Beer

An Editorial by John Glade
University of New Mexico Class of 2008

Hey man, how’s it goin’. God, it’s been hot as hell lately. I’m working this construction gig with a few buddies of mine, and I swear it hits 90 degrees before lunch time. I could sure go for a few cold ones later tonight to ease my lower back. I used to play varsity ball in high school, so I’ve already got arthritis in my joints.

Where’s my ID? Oh, it’s out in the truck. I’ll be back in a sec—oh shit. This is goddamn ridiculous. I left my wallet in my lunch pail back at the job site. This always happens to me! Dude, I’m sorry about this—I realize you got to follow the rules, and I don’t want to cause any trouble.

But I’ll tell you what, man. I’ve got a $20 on me, and this twelve pack of Bud is only $8.99. How about I just leave the change? I know what you’re thinking—this kid’s trying to pull a fast one. Honestly though, I’m 29 this August, and it’s just my cheeks that make me look young. Maybe I should grow a beard. Comes in pretty thick around my neck, you should see it when I run out of razors. None of that peach fuzz bullshit, no sir.

Go ahead and ring that lady up, we can keep talkin’. You own this place? I’ve always thought of getting into the grocery business—you know, setting some money aside and buying a mom-and-pop sort of joint. Milk, bread, beer, stuff like that. I’m already thinking about retirement. 401K’s, that sort of thing. Late twenties is when you got to start planning ahead.

A favor? Follow you in the freezer? Uh, I should probably get back to work. I don’t want my boss to have an aneurism, he gets loopy by mid-day if we get off-schedule. Thanks anyway, man. I’ll just leave this twenty here on the counter. No harm, no foul.

The cops? Yeah, I can put the beer back. No problem, amigo—I don’t want any trouble. Just a simple misunderstanding, that’s all. Geez, I’m too old for that sort of thing.

May 22, 2006

Campus Nurse Passes Time by Popping Pills

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Springfield, IL)—Long gone is the endless parade of STDs and panicked pregnancies at the University of Illinois’ Springfield campus. Also in the past are the sprained wrists and stiff backs from impromptu games of ultimate frisbee on the central quad. Summer has descended like a thick fog, and there is only a tiny fraction of students roaming the halls now, retaking sections of freshman composition or trigonometry.

This is why, after eight years of loyal service, head nurse Vicky Heller has begun popping pills at random, desperately hoping for some sort of transcendent hallucinatory experience.

“I’ve never stayed on during the summer ‘cause I heard it got lonely,” Heller relayed in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “But I thought the extra money could help Jim and I finish the basement off. Boy, was I wrong. Could you hand me that bottle of purple stuff?”

Heller has yet to address a single sniffle or genital rash since the spring term ended two weeks ago, and is becoming more adventurous in her drug experimentation due to the crippling effects of boredom.

“Yesterday I took a cocktail of three morning-after pills, seven Allegra tablets, and a fistful of raw Dextromethorphan capsules. Within fifteen minutes, I felt like there was a [Grateful] Dead show in my head,” Heller recalled. “It was a good set, too; they opened with an acoustic version of ‘China Cat’ before jamming into ‘Uncle John’s Band.’”

Heller is uncertain when her pharmaceutical adventure will end, but insists it will not interfere with her ability to ethically practice medicine.

“My nipples feel like raw salami, Billy,” Heller poetically reflected. “Can you go turn the radio up? I think there’s an old mix-tape in that jar of tongue depressors. Wait—I’ll rewind it with my mind.” American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi

May 20, 2006

Fortune Cookie Appointed Dean of Asian Studies

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(State College, PA)—After accusations of racial discrimination rocked Penn State’s women’s basketball program last December, many administrators and faculty members desperately hoped that 2006 would be a year in which the university could rebuild its public image.

However, the recent appointment of a fortune cookie to head the school’s Asian Studies program has already outraged thousands of students, and is likely to create another public relations nightmare for the 150-year old institution.

“This is an outrageous, prejudicial slap-in-the-face to ethnic harmony in the academy,” remarked Dr. Fong-Tan Wu, Associate Professor of Physics. “Clearly, the cookie is incapable of leading without some good Moo Shu Pork. Ohh—or a plate of General Tso’s Chicken. That shit is da bomb.”

And while the cookie has yet to issue an official statement to the media concerning this controversy, many at Penn State have rallied to its defense.

“The cookie has a strong record, and I, for one, stand by its selection,” stated John McMurray, a former retiree and custodial arts specialist. “Back in ’78, I had one give me the best compliment of my life: ‘your love shall be everlasting.’ Such wisdom, my friend, can do no wrong.” American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook

May 18, 2006

College House Addresses Immigration Problems

Left: Illegals getting the upper hand

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, appeared before his fellow Coppin State housemates yesterday to discuss the critical problem of illegal immigration.

"A group of slimy bastards from Poplar Grove Street - and they know who they are - have been calling this place "home" without obtaining legal residency in the guise of actual rent," said Lingenschnauffer. "The tremendous social costs in the form of missing Doritos and backed-up toliets put the natural residents of this place in one seriously foul mood."

Lingenschnauffer said the residents of the house must unite to fight the illegal aliens.

"Each of us bears a responsibility to keep 1904 West North Avenue a safe and prosperous homeland," he said. "It is with this goal that we will install a card reader front door lock, as well as a big-ass fence to keep scum like Spliffy and Moe the hell away from here."

One of the major hurdles the house faces, said Lingenschnauffer, was the "touchy-feely liberal element" in the house.

"Look - these low-lifes carry diseases, and they take up space that could go to actual cash-possessing tenants," he said. "I know how easy it is to feel sorry for them, but they take the money they save on rent and ship it off to out-of-town dope dealers. It's time we take a stand for freedom and our heritage, if not our collective rent." American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook

May 17, 2006

Research: Swiffer Sweepers "Meth Delivery Devices"

Left: Happy homemaker...

(Columbus, OH) An Ohio State chemistry project reveals that the popular Swiffer cleaning products contain high levels of methamphetamines, and that the Swiffer brand exists solely to promote the use of crystal meth.

"What's even crazier is that the company isn't trying to hide it," said Dr. Richard Berrigan. "In the Swiffer ads you've got these middle class speed freaks looking for dust at 2 am and sweeping areas already immaculate. That's just wrong."

Researchers found that the repetitive back-and-forth mottions release large amounts of the stimulant, and that users are addicted before the first package is used up.

"There is a cloud of crank that envelops a person as she cleans," said Berrigan. "We think the original intent was to create a feeling of euphoria and well-being through cleaning, but what is happening is that a whole new class of snow addicts is appearing."

Left: Same woman, eight weeks later

Former user Tara Jennings describes how Swiffer wrecked her life.

"I had it all - three kids, a nice suburban house, and a loving husband," she said, looking at her shoes. "After Swiffer came into my life I went downhill fast, and became a full-blown, meth-smoking street whore. Thanks for nothing, Swiffer."

Jennings said that she had no idea that the cleaning product could be so dangerous.

"I thought I was just going to have a tidy house," she said, holding her head in her hands. "I never knew that Swiffer was a gateway drug. I just thought Swiffer Dusters had the trapping power of Swiffer in a fluffy, go-anywhere form. Little did I know they were load with crystal meth. If I wasn't on shock probation, I would go to the Swiffer headquarters and raise some holy hell, no doubt." Pentagon video

May 15, 2006

Student Swears Summer School Prof is Former Porno Star

Left: Hot for teacher?

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Charlottesville, VA)—University of Virginia sophomore Rick Crowley was dreading the prospect of taking summer classes again this year, until he had a startling revelation on his first day: his Biology professor was a former porn actress.

“I can’t believe it,” beamed an ecstatic Crowley. “I couldn’t find a clean shirt this morning, barely had time to grab a seat—in a word, shit wasn’t going my way. And then, outa nowhere, these gorgeous tits walk in wearing a lab coat. It was damn near spiritual.”

An exclusive investigation by the Codependent Collegian has revealed that Dr. Cait Evangelina—formerly known as Misty Bottoms—was recently hired by UV as an adjunct science professor, and completed her PhD in biochemistry last spring.

And while Dr. Evangelina appears to have put her wanton past behind her, it is only a matter of time before other students recognize her dubious past.

“Its gonna be a lot easier paying attention to a lecture when I know this chick starred in ‘A Fistful of Cock’ and ‘Penis Sheath of Razor Blades’,” beamed an energetic Crowley. “Who better to learn biology from than a woman who’s whole body is a petri dish?” Stephen Colbert

May 13, 2006

Graduate Hates Having to Work the Same Crappy Starbucks Job

Left: Diploma today, latte tomorrow

(Columbus, OH) Vicky Braun savored her moment on stage collecting her BA in Liberal Studies at Ohio State University, but dreaded the thought of returning to work Sunday at the local Starbuck's outlet.

"Yeah, it was cool waving at my friends and shaking the Dean's hand, but nothing much has changed in my life since graduation," she said, setting down her empty diploma holder. "I have a lousy job, and idiot boyfriend, and $60K in student loans. What, exactly, has all of this been for, and why the hell did Steve schedule me the day after graduation?"

Braun said that "at least two-thirds of the staff" at Starbuck's has a BA or higher degree.

"There are two doctoral students and at least six MFAs working there," she said. "At this rate I'll need an MA just to work the espresso machine for the thousands of yuppie zombies who infest the place."

Job offers, according to Braun, are non-existent.

"I've sent out 100 reumes in the last eight weeks, and only two calls came in," she said. "One was an office temp firm, and the other was the brother of my sorority sister who used my resume as a pretense to ask me to go out with him."

Braun said she is thinking of applying to grad school.

"At least if I stay in school I won't have to pay back the loans," she said. "I can't even make the loan principal on the $300 a week I make pouring froth on Starbuck cappucinos. I swear to God if another anorexic corporate skank comes in there and asks for a "Double Tall Extra Skinny Latte Super Hot To Go" I'm going to pour it down her fully lined pinstripe Sicari pant suit." Karl Rove

May 11, 2006

Book-It! Reading Program Part of Elaborate Drug Ring

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Book-It’s Blatantly Tripped-Out Psychedelic Symbol

(New York, NY)—Book-It!, a community reading program sponsored by Pizza Hut since the 1980s, has recently been indicted as part of an ongoing investigation for the widespread sale and distribution of illegal narcotics.

Originally, the nationally respected program was intended to offer incentives—such as a free lunch or personal pan pizza—to help foster at-home learning through the power of literature, especially among working class and underprivileged families.

Sadly, recent evidence shows that Book-It! has been an elaborate ruse, and instead has indoctrinated thousands of children and established an underground drug ring spanning from the Mexican border to New England.

“I thought my Lucy was reading because she wanted the positive attention,” wept an Atlanta-area mother, who chose to remain anonymous in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “Instead, she was reading because she was addicted to [crystal] meth, and was selling it on the streets. She’s only 9 years old—god damn you, Pizza Hut!”

While PepsiCo, Inc. has yet to release an official statement, one former employee was compelled by conscience to share their sinister methods.

“I saw my manger putting raw cocaine in the parmesan cheese shaker,” revealed Sheldon Lewis, 19, of Millersville, PA. “How can a child resist that? I thought I was getting a summer job, but now I’m looking at 3-5 years for possession. No amount of free breadsticks is worth this.” Stephen Colbert

May 9, 2006

Sorority Car Wash Ends in Catfight

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Gainsville, FL)— The girls of Delta Phi Omega hoped their week-long car wash would help raise funds for a summer charity program, but sadly the event ended abruptly this morning when an argument between two sisters descended into a slow-motion catfight.

Among the violent acts reported by University of Florida security were blasts from erect hoses, lathering with soapy sponges, and the occasional slap of a wet ass.

“This is a sad day for our institution and for Greek life,” said Tim Owings, a spokesperson for the university. “I hope that by watching the film footage over and over again, my colleagues and I can get to the slippery, taught bottom of this catastrophe.”

Others were not so quick to denounce the situation, however. Many bystanders felt that the raucous behavior bolstered carwash sales and made for a more enjoyable experience.

"I haven’t had a hard-on since my first night in ‘Nam,'" revealed Sgt. Mark Squire, a retired Army infantryman. “But when those girls punched each other on the hood of that Camaro, I got home to Becky faster than a greased pig. It was go time.” Stephen Colbert

May 8, 2006

Student Refuses to Vacate Dorm: "Make Me!"

(East Lansing, MI) Junior business major Stephen "Packy" Dern knows that his dorm is going to sit vacant for the next four months, and wonders whu he can't just stay there.

"It's not like they are going to do any maintenace in this dump or anything," he said the Michigan State student. "I see no reason why I should have to leave."

Dern said that his strategy is simple: he is camping out in the bathroom until the university finally makes its move.

"I'm not exactly the most svelte person, if you know what I mean," he said of his impressive girth. "I'm keeping the tub filled with all sorts of body oils and conditioners, so they will have a hell of a time holding on to me."

Dern equates his struggle with that of the 1960s civil rights movement.

"I'm kind of like MLK, except I'm a fat white guy and I smoke no-brand cigarettes," he said. "That, and I am not a Reverend. But the other guys in the quad call me the "Doctor of Love," so in that way we are alike." Stephen Colbert

May 6, 2006

Student's Dad Already Sick of the Little Punk

(DeKalb, IL) Left: Dysfunctional, or just an asshole?

Martin Schoenberger admits that he and his son "did not have exactly the smoothest relationship" when Mitchell lived at home.

Schoenberger thought that Mitchell's first year away at the University of Kentucky would give the two men a chance to have some breathing room.

"Mitchell's been home exactly twelve hours, and I think I might wring his fucking neck before nightfall," admitted Schoenberger. "His smart mouth and his punk-ass attitude have got to go."

Among Dad's biggest beefs with his son: the new nose piercing that Mitchell got during his first week at UK.

"It's this little green emerald on the side of his nose, and it looks like a booger," he said. "If the kid wants to go around looking like Eminem, so be it, but why does he have to look like Eminem with a goddamn booger?"

Left: Mitchell, the weasel-dick son

Schoenberger said that a "planning session" that was held with Mitchell after he unloaded his gear turned sour.

"He showed up with headphones on and swaggering into the kitchen like Superfly or something," he said. "I told him that if I wanted Isaac Hayes for a son, I would have married a black chick. Things just went downhill after that."

The last hope before tossing his son out, said Schoenberger, will be family counseling.

"but if we get one of those touchy-feely types, I am out of there faster than a set of gold rims in the ghetto," he said. Stephen Colbert

May 4, 2006

Student Spends Entire Weekend Sabotaging Wikipedia

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Durham, NH)—University of New Hampshire sophomore Dave Frost was enraptured when he took his last spring final exam last Friday, but was struck by a surprising malaise when the adrenaline from four consecutive days of cramming wore off.

Instead of wallowing in booze and scrambled porno with his compatriots, Frost spent all last weekend fulfilling a dream he had kept silent for months: he spent 48 hours sabotaging articles on the Wikipedia, the internet’s most popular free encyclopedia.

And while Frost realized most of his hilarious revisions would be reversed almost instantaneously by freelance editors with scant personal lives, he hoped some would make it past their intense scrutiny.

“I knew they wouldn’t keep that bit about JFK fucking a platypus at Camp David,” Frost candidly shared. “But how the hell do they know if Superman III was ever released on Laserdisc? Check and mate, sir.”

Frost’s close friends were not only baffled by his tireless dedication to inaccuracy, but also by his endless imagination for tinkering with pop culture trivia.

“The guy is my hero,” beamed John Knowles, Frost’s freshman roommate. “I mean, he switched the order of ‘Misty Mountain Hop’ and ‘Going to California’ on side two of Led Zeppelin IV. Who thinks of that kind of shit? If only he put that energy into studying for organic chemistry, he’d be a Rhodes scholar.” Stephen Colbert

May 3, 2006

Dude's Power Ranger Getup Fails to Wow Prof

By Feckless Freddie, Codependent Collegian contributing writer

(Madison, WI) Junior physics major Carl Breckenridge thought that he might be able to distract his instructor during the final for which he was not prepared.

Breckenridge, though, did not anticipate his instructor's response to his Red Ranger costume.

"I figured the old goat would at least laugh or something," he said. "He jumps right in with: "Out! OUT!" like I was a terrorist or something. The geezer has no sense of humor, that's for sure."

Breckenridge said that he dashed back to his dorm, changed clothes, and returned "within ten minutes."

"The old bastard wouldn't let me in to take the test," he said. "If I could have taken the exam, I might have pulled a 60% and passed the class. Instead, I have to take Statistical Physics and Waves in the summer now."

Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, the professor - Dr. Robert Collier - refused to discuss the specifics of Breckenridge's case.

"But if any wiseass tries any stupid crap like this in the summer term, I'll report him to Homeland Security," he said. "Maybe a cavity search will get them to take this course more seriously." Stephen Colbert

May 2, 2006

English Prof Turns Exam Grading into Drinking Game

Left: Brown bourbon, purple prose

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—UCLA adjunct professor Tim Boswell has decided to turn this last week of the spring semester into one prolonged drinking game in order to tolerate the abysmal writing on his freshman composition exams.

Boswell’s decision comes after three consecutive days of headaches, sexual frustration, and eating Chinese take-out.

“Every time I read a misspelled word, I chug a beer,” Boswell vented. “For every kid who can’t write a thesis statement, I take a shot of Jack [Daniels]. I figure I’ll either go blind or die before this hell is over.”

Boswell’s poor student performance is punctuated by the difficulties in his personal life, which have swelled in recent months.

“I haven’t had sex since November, and the transmission on my ’89 Corolla is almost shot,” slurred a far-from-sober Boswell. “I should have taken that library job and given up on trying to teach these fucktards about topic sentences.”

The unusual coping technique, said Boswell, also led to a new method of grading.

"I take the paper and toss it toward my beer stein," he said. "'A' papers land and stay balanced on the glass, 'B' papers have to touch the stein in some way, and everyone else is a 'C.' Works like a fucking charm, at least until these bastards start calling and bitching about their grades. By then I hope to be in Martha's Vineyard." Stephen Colbert

May 1, 2006

Galbraith Outed as Closet Neo-Con

(Cambridge, MA) John Kenneth Galbraith, one of the most influential economists of the 20th century, has died at age 97.

Sources close to the late economist, however, provided National Nitwit with heretofore unseen glimpses of the true nature of the liberal icon.

"There's no doubt about it - Ken absolutely hated the poor," said Margo Jennings, a longtime assistant to the Galbraith. "If he saw a homeless guy on the street, you could bet he would raise a fist and shout: "Get a job, lazy-ass!" or something like that."

Despite his egalitarian public personna, another confidante said that Galbraith was quite different in private.

"The dude totally loved day trading," said Jacob Minnick, who maintained Galbraith's IT systems. "In his last years he was like a trading addict, sometimes pulling off 1,000 transactions a day. And I have never seen someone bitch about capital gains taxes as much as Mr. Galbraith."

His disdain for taxes is what prompted one of Galbraith's final acts.

"Ken pulled out about thirty million from his Caymans accounts and had it converted to bearer's bonds," said Jennings. "He instructed us to place them in his casket, because he said God would allow a few select people to take cash with them. Sure hope there's a JP Morgan Chase inside the Pearly Gates." Rush+Limbaugh

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