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December 30, 2007

Frat Brother Secretly Hopes New Year's Bash Turns Into Another All Night Cock Orgy

Ferguson (lower center) getting liquored up and horny with frat brothers at 2006 bash

(State College, PA) One member of the Penn State fraternity Alpha Tau Omega is hoping that his Greek brothers engage in a repeat of last year's "epic" New Year's bash.

Kyle Ferguson, a junior engineering major, said that the 2006 ATΩ festivities turned from "rowdy partying" to "serious sexing" as the night wore on.

"Now, straight up? None of us are gay," he told Codependent Collegian reporters as the fraternity house prepped for the party. "But some crazy shit happened last year, and I for one am pulling hard for orgiastic repirse, if you know what I mean."

Ferguson said the fraternity engaged in quite a bit of "M-M-M-F craziness" that heightened his sexual pleasure.

"Now, normally I wouldn't be found near another guy's crotch, but something about the techno and the Cuervo had us all stroking dick and slurping cock," he recalled. "But going at it with each other while we waited for an Alpha Sig slut to be free was the only thing between us and sexual insanity, you know?"

Most of the fraternity members, noted Ferguson, were "so falling-down wasted" that they can't remember all of the details of the night.

"But I've been waiting for this night for 364 days, and I remember everything," he boasted. "I never felt so alive as when I slid up next to [fraternity brother] Zeke and let him start ramming my ass. But it was cool, because after he drilled me, he went at it with [Alpha Sig president] Abbey Schmidt, so it's all good."

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December 27, 2007

I Will Exact Revenge for the Assassination of Benazir Bhutto

Guest Editorial by
Tad Cochrane, Georgetown University

Listen up, y'all. What happened to former Pakistani head honcho Benazir Bhutto was some cold, cold shit, and I am just the person to send to Karachi and kick some terrorist ass. Put me and my posse on a plane today, and we will bag the killers by Tuesday, tops.

Sure, I'm just a college senior and all, but after sharpening my mad skills on World of Warcraft and Age of Empires, I am like some kind of freakish diplomat, sort of a cross between Condi Rice and the Terminator.

What's that, Raheem? You don't know nothing about nothing? KA-BLAM! And you, Abdul? KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-freaking-BLAM! Y'all gonna talk now? KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! A-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!

You see, I speak the only universal language of diplomacy.

And I think what really pisses me off about this is that Benazir Bhutto had some major MILF hotness about her, even for being 50-something. I would totally hit that, except for the fact that she's dead and all. And you know? If I was all Jägermeister-ed out, I would probably even do her hot corpse, that's how much of a Pakistani hottie Benazir was.

So, call me, Pervez Musharraf. I'm your man, and I work hella cheap.

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December 23, 2007

Creative Writing Prof Endures Holidays Lonely & Unadored

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Childress Looking Away From You, Profoundly

(Boston, MA)—Robert Childress, famed novelist and professor of creative writing at Emerson College, should be relishing his time away from pesky undergraduates to share the holiday season his wife, two children, and his latest manuscript.

Instead, Childress finds himself “more dejected than a relief pitcher who's blown a big game in the ninth,” as he misses the cowering respect shown him by aspiring young writers in the classroom.

“At Emerson, I’m a big dog, if you know what I mean,” Childress remarked while taking a thoughtful draw on his pipe. “Not everybody around that institution has made the New York Times Review of Books, and I’ve done so twice. And sure, I miss naïve, horny 19-year-olds throwing themselves at me during my office hours,—but what I truly lament is the awed humility students seem to have in my presence because I’ve published some books.”

Childress further explained the sorts of admiration he has been shown in recent semesters.

“Random occurrences happens all the time, like when I had a philosophy student quote an entire page from my first novel and then ask if I believed in God,” Childress explained. “Or when a visiting art lecturer from France painting on homage to my work in her own menstrual fluids. Powerfully composed, I should say. But now, I just shuffle from grocery store to post office and back home again, and none of these Philistines know who I am. Goodness, I can’t wait for the spring term.”

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December 15, 2007

I’m Like, Totally Going to Blast this Prof on MySpace

By Gina Vickers
University of Michigan Sophomore

Vickers: An Enraged But-Her-Face

You know, I’ve totally respected Dr. Stoutmire this semester because his lectures are energetic, he shows all students the same degree of respect, and he never strays from his syllabus.

But since he gave me a D on my final essay of the semester, I’m totally going to blast his fucking ass on MySpace’s “grade your professors” section.

First of all, I have never gotten a D in my entire life, so how could I possibly get one now? Also, I’ve never missed a single day of Stoutmire’s class. Not one. And fourthly, I’m like…I always send him really nice emails when he gives awesome lectures.

So the only thing I can figure is that Stoutmire has been a closet dick-hole and secretly hated me all semester, and now he’s bringing out the claws since we did faculty evaluations last week and he can just be a vengeful prick now.

You know what bothers me the most, though? I turned that paper in a DAY EARLY. That’s right. Even with all these other kids skipping and giving excuses and being sketchy with their immaturity I got my paper in early. How could any good teacher punish that? Only Stoutmire could, and that’s why I’m going to be the bigger person and tell everyone on MySpace why he’s a fucking jerk and no one should ever take him ever.

Ugh. I need to go finish my laundry. Just thinking about how I spent a whole hour on that paper only to get a D makes me sick. Toodles!

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December 12, 2007

A 6-Pack of Red Bull and a Handful of No-Doz Will Get This Paper Written

Guest editorial by Ethan Geering,
Penn State Class of 2011

Yes, I know this paper is due at 9:00 am tomorrow SHARP, and I know that I really haven't done much in the way of RESEARCH yet, and I know that I was supposed to submit a ROUGH DRAFT and an ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY last month, but I'm feeling REALLLLLLLLLLY GOOD about my chances of cranking out this 15-page paper between now and tomorrow morning.

That's 'cuz I've scored the best two helpers a college student can have when it comes to crunch time: Red Bull and No-Doz.

I just washed down a couple more No-Doz 15 minutes ago, and I am totally ready to CRANK OUT DIS BITCH, Y'ALL!!!!!!! To mellow myself out and fine-tune my mind, I just ran around the Quad three times, too, so my heart is pumping and my adrenaline is flowing and I am ALIVE, MAN, ALIVE, and I am FOCUSED and DRIVEN and I have NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED about anything else in my life.

Sorry, I had to fucking puke a minute ago, what with the stomach jitters from that massive influx of caffeine and the fact that I am still hung over from last night and I might still be tripping from those THREE HITS OF ACID I dropped and I haven't eaten since we went to Taco Bell yesterday and I also swiped/inhaled a couple of my roommate's Ritalin tablets and I keep forgetting to drink some water, FUCKING WATER, of all things to forget, right? It's not as though 80 PERCENT OF THE PLANET's SURFACE isn't covered with the shit, right, and humans are like 95 freaking percent water and all, so there's ABSO-frigging-LUTELY no reason I should forget about something as ELEMENTAL as water, except that water is really a COMPOUND and not an ELEMENT and I only know that because I stayed awake during CHEMISTRY in high school.

But it's ALL GOOD NOW, y'all, and the WORDS and IDEAS and THEMES and TOPICS and THESIS STATEMENTS are flying at me right now, I mean just FLYING AROUND MY HEAD, man, like a HIVE OF SWARMING BEEES and shit. Now all I have to do is CHILL for a minute and let some of those NUGGETS OF BRILLIANCE ferment.

I swear to Christ I don't know why all those PLODDING, MINDLESS DRONES spend weeks sweating over a research paper when they could be out there LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE IT'S THEIR LAST, instead of wasting all that time in LIBRARIES and READING BOOKS and looking up JOURNAL ARTICLES and UNDERSTANDING THE GODDAMN DISCIPLINARY LITERATURE and all that other shit they try to force down your throat, turning you into an UNCARING CORPORATE ZOMBIE as they STEAL YOUR VERY SOUL, dude, sucking the life out of you as surely as Dracula SUCKS THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS.

You know what, dude? FUCK YOU TOO! I do my best work at TWO FUCKING AM, that's why I'm working late here, and you are totally BOGARTING MY MUSE with your endless whining about "needing sleep" and "turn off the light" and how you have an "exam at eight o'clock" and why don't you just SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE, you frigging baby!


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December 8, 2007

Professor: 2007 Econ Students "Worst Ever"

Angry economics professorLeft: Calderone in his OSU office

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State economics professor Scott Calderone, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters yesterday, said that his economics students have "set a new low for imbecility," and that he fears for the future of the nation.

"Let's face it - any country that hopes to build for the future with the likes of the blithering twits that occupy seats in my classes is all but doomed," he noted. "On the whole, these morons are stupider than a ward full of lead paint-chewing head trauma cases, and more clueless than cross-eyed fans at a Wimbledon match."

Calderone said that the current semester's exams are full of "raving idiocy and widespread illiteracy."

"Eleven people on the last quiz tried to define the term Natural Increase as 'having sex without Viagra or Cialis,'" he mused, shuffling through a stack of papers. "And no less than thirty dweebs tried to describe Full Employment with answers on the order of: 'Like, having a job with a car and benefits and stuff.' I swear to God, one more term teaching these simpletons and I'll be ready for a bullet to the brain."

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December 3, 2007

10-12 Hours of World of Warcraft is Good Exam Preparation

By Bradley Shore,
University of Michigan Class of 2011

Look, I know that most of you in the fraternity and my dorm are convinced that I am some kind of World of Warcraft addict, but the truth is that WoW can totally work as a tool for exam preparation.

Take my Geography class, for example. Where else can I get such detailed information about Azeroth's two main continents, the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor? If I wasn't playing WoW, I'd have no frigging idea that to the northwest of Kalimdor are the Azuremyst and Bloodmyst Isles, and Teldrassil.

Otherwise, I would probably have drawn a total blank on a question like that.

Or my Econ course, to which I must admit I haven't attended since mid-November. If I get a question on merchant capitalism, I am going to completely smack a grand slam with my knowledge of Herbalism, Mining, and Skinning, or the crafting professions like Blacksmithing, Leatherworking, Tailoring, Alchemy, Engineering, Enchanting, and Jewelcrafting.


Sociology? I am totally down with information on Humans, Night Elves, Dwarves, Gnomes, Draenei, Orcs, Tauren, Undead, Trolls and Blood Elves. And after that nasty Corrupted Blood plague incident, I can answer any shit that my pre-med instructor can throw at me.

And really: just because I play WoW online most of the day does not mean I have an addiction- I can quit any time I want! I’m not addicted. I just choose to do it because I like it, and I just don't have anything better to do right now. So, could you do me a favor and just back off?

Gotta cram for finals here.

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