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July 28, 2007

Student Expresses Her "Total Uniqueness" With Tattoo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Austin, TX)—University of Texas sophomore Natalie Morris recently celebrated her unique, rebellious spirit by adorning her body with a butterfly tattoo while vacationing in Florida for Spring Break.

Sources close to Morris say she has been a “wild child” her whole life, and has never been one to conform with societal expectations.

“Yeah, Nat’s like, one of those people who just float through life and play by their own rules,” said roommate Jen Orton. “I think this tattoo is her ultimate statement…I mean, nobody in our dorm even has one yet—she’s gonna really turn some heads on campus.”

Morris appeared enthused by her new addition, and was especially optimistic about the seasonal possibilities it offered.

“I’ve been really hitting the gym hard these past few weeks, so once the swelling goes down, I can start wearing some old tank-tops,” Morris beamed. “I have one from 10th grade that barely fits, so it will show off my cute tummy. I swear, college is totally about empowerment.” Paris Hilton

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July 23, 2007

Witless Freshman Still Not Registered for Fall Term

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Marion: Belligerent, Having Only Received Three Registration Reminder Postcards

(San Diego, CA)—Kyle Marion, an incoming freshman at San Diego Community College, has “been trying like the dickens” to register for his first semester of college this coming fall.

However, Marion’s inability to finalize course selections is largely due to his own blatant disregard of college deadlines and procedures, as he is now swiftly becoming a pest to both faculty and staff alike.

“I don’t know how the kid did it, but the moron missed a month-long open registration back in May,” remarked Randi Caruso, an administrative assistant in student services. “But now that summer’s here, and faculty are gone and tons of people are like, taking vacation and having babies, he wants the world to stop for his brain-dead 17 year old ass.”

Professor Tom MacNamara, a philosophy instructor and Marion’s academic advisor, reiterated these enraged sentiments.

“You know, I teach five classes a semester and bust my hump nine months out of the year,” MacNamara huffed while chomping a turkey pita melt. “And now that I’m visiting my aging mother in Pasadena, this little fuckbag leaves seven voice mails on my office phone, as if it’s my job to drop everything and find him a bunch of 101 courses that fit with his demanding pot-and-video-game lifestyle. Well, he can suck my left nut. Besides, who’s he gonna complain to? My department chair? My dean? They’re both sport fishing in the Bahamas through Labor Day.”

History professor Kevin Hoag reiterated that "the dipshit Marion" better have his essay on the fall of the Weimar Republic finished, irrespective of his enrollment status.

"Registrtaion or no registration - I swear to God I'll fail the little shit," he added.

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Bob Looks at BP, the Chicago Tribune, and Jobs

Subcomandante Bob has learned of an article in the Chicago Tribune that attacks his good friends at BP. This is a company that has long been in the forefront of producing television spots that promote corporate environmental responsibility. Just kidding. Those cats at BP really do care about the environment, and it pains Bob to see them get singled out for unfair treatment by the likes of the Chicago Tribune.

The Tribune article discusses some exemptions to environmental laws that BP will receive in exchange for $3.8 billion in new investment and the creation of an estimated 80 new jobs.

That's $3.8 billion, kiddies. Investment like that does not come along every day for a city like Whiting.

The Fort Wayne News-Sentinel, has come out in favor of the move, arguing that the decision to place economic security and energy independence "seems justified." BP has also issued a fact sheet criticizing some of the statements in the Chicago Tribune piece. The company especially takes issue with the Tribune's use of the word "sludge" to describe treated water that empties into Lake Michigan:
What is released from our refinery is treated water that is more than 99.9% water - not sludge. All sludge is treated separately, according to state and federal requirements, and never discharged into Lake Michigan.
BP notes the amounts of ammonia that can be discharged under the proposed permit will still be below federal guidelines, and so we are not going to be bombarded with stories about dead ducks washing up on the beaches of Lake Michigan.

Now, Subcomandante Bob is all about taking care of the environment, and he frequently sleeps outdoors in one of Toledo's fine public parks. But the bottom line here is the bottom line: people need to have jobs so they can eat. So, BP? Do your stuff. Give those folks in Whiting some decent employment, and make sure that you live up to your corporate ideals, or Bob will personally drive to BP world headquarters and go medieval on you.

July 20, 2007

This Softcore Porn Doesn’t Get the Job Done

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
by Wyatt Farina, Penn State Class of ‘09

Farina: Harder Than a Bristle Brush

You know, I’ve been home from college now for almost two months, and in that time I haven’t had a date, let alone blown a creamy load of nut butter in some chick’s snatch. And for a few weeks, I thought I could tough it out by pounding my salami to the softcore porno on my parents cable. You know what I mean—the shit that comes on Cinemax around eleven every night.

But I was wrong. This softcore porn isn’t getting the job done, and my balls are bluer than a Smurf covered in grape jelly.

Man, have you ever seen this shit? First of all, the attempts at plot are even worse than in real porn if you can believe it. Last night I saw one where ‘Tom’ and ‘Jessica’ were having marital trouble, and within three nanoseconds they’re at some exotic island retreat, go to see some high-priced shrink, and BOOM: a three-way crotch snarf-fest comes outa nowhere.

What makes these skin flicks unwatchable, though, is that you can tell these people aren’t even screwing each other. I’m no physicist, but when Pablo the Cabana Boy is sitting on some babe’s lower abdomen, a solid six inches from her cunt, and her legs are closed, and he’s gyrating like, back and forth an inch at a time, that’s not fucking. When I walked in on my roommate [Ben McCormick] doing Cindy Brewer doggy-style over the toilet, both of them drenched in sweat, and Cindy bracing herself with her left hand and mashing her C-cup tits with her right, and Ben had a few fingers jammed in her ass, and you could totally see Cindy’s pussy mucus glistening on Ben’s shaft as he roared back and forth, THAT was fucking.

So in conclusion, this softcore porno blows major midget-ass, and I need to get laid. If any of you Penn State shorties are feeling sorry for a brother, and want the best three minutes of your life, holla at your love machine, Wyatt.

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Bob Recommends a Latina Romance Site

Yes, there are lots of dating site on the Internet, but how many do you know that offer Latin dating for those who prefer their relationships to be with those of the Latino or Latina variety?

Subcomandante Bob long dated one of the most beautiful Latina actresses on the planet, Cameron Diaz, before his self-destructive ways caused Cameron to wise up. However, for those of you who lack Bob's propensity for relationship sabotage, be sure to check out LatinaRomance.com. You can view profiles, create your own Latina dating profile, and meet Latinas who know how to maintain a healthy relationship, unlike Bob. Best of all, registration on LatinaRomance.com is absolutely free, and by following the above link you could be on your way to the love of your life.

July 17, 2007

Marching Band Tryouts Bring Forth "Showcase of Rejects"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Above: "Fags and losers" play their guts out

(Richmond, VA)—Although most college students are relishing their summer vacations, a large body of undergraduate musicians has descended on the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University to begin tryouts for the impending marching band season.

And while most returning upperclassmen have found some semblance of social acceptance among their peers, the incoming freshmen can only be described as “a cavalcade of fags and losers.”

“I’ll tell ya, I’ve seen some real weird kids in my day, but this batch takes the cake,” remarked Dan Unger, Musical Director and Associate Professor of Jazz Composition. “I haven’t seen this many virgins in one place since the last Star Wars movie premiered.”

Student drum major Nick Cuthbert echoed Unger’s sentiments.

“I don’t which is worse, Billy—their acne or their inability to sight-read sheet music,” Cuthbert huffed between drags on his menthol cigarette. “I have a reputation to maintain, ya know? If these kids ruin my chances for a threesome after Homecoming, I’m putting lice in all their uniforms, so help me God.”

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Once Upon a Rented House

Subcomandante Bob was not always a perpetually drunken denizen of Toledo-area homeless shelters. Why, there was once a time when Bob had so much cash that he began to invest in instruments through which large sums of money could readily disappear, like real estate.

Bob owned a duplex on the south side of Toledo that may have been one of the all-time worst investments. Not only did he spend over $50,000 fixing up this roach-infested building, but Bob's bad luck with tenants was such that he seemed to attract a steady stream of troublemaking, rent-avoiding lowlifes. One couple even stripped their half of the duplex for everything of value, including metal pipes, copper wiring, and this dusty old picture of the Lord Jesus Christ that Bob picked up at a garage sale, and even though it was clearly not a Rembrandt, Bob grew quite fond of this iconic piece of religious art, and if he so much as sees those Jesus-stealing punks again, let's just say that there will be a flurry of high-powered rounds of ammunition a-flying until said Christ Painting is returned.

Anyways, the point of all this rambling is the website known as Rentals.com. The company helps landlords and tenants find the right properties and lessees for each other, and offers a searchable database that can help you pinpoint properties for rent in your area. Follow the above link to learn how you can make Rentals.com work for you.

Professor Endures Summer Flunk Withdrawal

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

A Blissful Jenkins After Flunking Ten Students Last Fall

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo business professor Rachael Jenkins is, according to many, “one of the toughest bitch profs on campus,” and has a stern reputation for failing large numbers of her students each semester due to her vindictive nature.

But now that summer is in full bloom, and the fall semester is still nearly two months away, Jenkins must endure flunk withdrawal, and spends her days pining for the haughty satisfaction she receives when browbeating daft undergraduates.

“It’s really a bummer,” huffed Jenkins while playing Mario Brothers on an antique Nintendo console in her Ottawa Hills home. “I mean, normally when I have a bad day, I can just decide not to curve an exam or something, and BOOM—all those Ds become Fs. But yesterday I was in Starbucks and the service sucked, and I couldn’t even make anyone stay after class. It was totally depressing.”

Jenkins went on to demarcate how the power structure of the real world varies from that in her classroom.

“I tell those punks on the first day: half of you people are going to fail, especially if it’s one of my economics course,” Jenkins explained. “And then I always get a few weepers around Christmas because an ‘I’ [incomplete in the course] would prevent them from losing their scholarship money, but screw ‘em. Sad thing is, though, when I’m at the grocery store, or buying stamps, it’s like people don’t even know I have a PhD. Maybe the government should give professors little gold stars on their clothes to let people know we’re better than everyone else.”

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Looking for a House to Rent?

Subcomandante Bob knows that many of you are not in a position to purchgase your own home, and that you are on the lookout for houses for rent.

If so, you should check out Rentals.com, a site that helps people find the right place to live. You can choose from houses, condos, townhouses, and apartments, and with the search function you can find the place that best fits your budget.

While scrolling through the rental listings at Rentals.com, Bob came across this palatial Ottawa Hills mansion worthy of Toledo's own Katie Holmes. The place has six bathrooms; there would never be a fight for bathroom use in this place, that's for sure. Well, maybe Tom Cruise is weird and fussy and makes Katie do her hair in the garage or something, but for the rest of t5he world this is one incredible house for $1800 a month.

July 13, 2007

I Would Totally Pay Big Money to See Midget Basketball

Guest editorial by Eric Yeagher,
University of Florida sophomore

My friend is on this college committee that decides how the university is going to allocate some of its student fees for entertainment, and I am so going to pitch him the idea of bringing midget basketball on campus.

Midgets playing basketball has got to be the funniest thing ever, and I would totally pay crazy money to see midgets shooting hoops.

Think about it, brother - all those little stub-legged dudes waddling up and down the court like deformed penguins and shit - can you think of anything more hilarious? Well, maybe if they played a team of those wheelchair hoopsters, and gave the midgets sticks to jack the crips in the spokes or something, but I'd bet the handicap lobby would shut us down if we had paraplegics flying all over the basketball court and landing face-first after getting stuck.

So we'd better play it straight, and keep it just midgets vs. midgets.

And it should be set up like the Globetrotters, with one midget team that always wins and one that always loses, like those Washington Generals that lost every game. One time when I was six, though, I saw the Globetrotters in Jacksonville, and I swear to God that the Generals almost beat the Globetrotters, and Meadowlark Lemon had to make this crazy 38-foot 3-pointer to win the game at the buzzer. Sweet!

But back to the midgets.

I think we should let the midgets just play their game, man, and not call a bunch of cheap fouls for elbowing another midget in his scrunched up malformed face and shit. I mean, it's not like they are going to score with anything but another mutant-looking midget chick anyhow, right? Although this dude I know says that midgets are, like, sexual freaks or something, and that they are packing these giganto-morphous schlongs under their shorts. He said he watched this porno with nude midgets and the dude's manmeat was as big as his midget arm, and his cock actually looked like an angry red third fist when he was banging this porn slut.

Who knows? But midget basketball would totally kick ass, and we need to bring it to the Gator Nation ASAP.

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July 8, 2007

Recent Grad's Theater Degree Good for Bussing Tables

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Euston: Great Face and Jugs, Still Can’t Land a Gig

(Berkeley, CA)—University of California graduate Tamara Euston thought a life of artistic exploration awaited her when she graduated magna cum laude this past May with a hard-earned degree in the dramatic arts.

But sadly, Euston’s career as a professional actress has stalled, and her degree “might as well be a dishrag” while toiling week after brutal week as a waitress at Nate’s, a local coffee shop.

“You know, I paid fifty grand for this fucking piece of paper, and can’t even land a bit part in the Summer Shakespeare Festival,” huffed Euston while scraping leftover bits of omelet from a customer’s dirty platter. “Professor Watkins said I was ‘the most evocative and haunting Juliet he’d ever seen.’ What horseshit. At this rate, I’ll have to like, join one of those lame groups that do skits for inmates or something just to keep my chops up to snuff.”

Euston said that her coworkers at Nate's were, by and large, a "bunch of illiterate feebs."

"I was getting the cold shoulder from the staff for about a week, and I just didn't understand why everyone in the restaurant was being so standoffish," she said, twirling a lock of her hair. "Then I found out that the mananger told my coworkers I was a 'thespian,' and they all came to the conclusion I was a muff-diving, manhating carpet-muncher, the frigging nimrods."

Euston’s father, a successful lawyer in the Los Angeles area, shared his daughter’s dismay at her lack of artistic success.

“You know, I told her way back in high school that this acting thing was a great hobby, but no way to pay the bills,” grumbled Roger Euston while shuffling some legal briefs. “But of course she doesn’t listen to her old man—I guess she thought some talent and a cute face was enough to make it in Hollywood. Well she can think again. Unless she feels like blowing half a dozen producers while coked up in the shitter at the Pig N’ Whistle, then she’s got a whole lot of years left serving pancakes and lattes.”

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Bob Recommends SCORE! Reading Tutors

As Subcomandante Bob has mentioned before, his son Bob Jr. (who has no official rank) has struggled at times in school. Bob Sr. has turned to the good folks at SCORE! Learning Centers and their reading tutorsto help Bob Jr. achieve his academic potential.

This company operates nearly coast-to-coast, and there are SCORE! facilities in and around many major metropolitan areas. Parents who seek tutoring for their children would be well advised to check out SCORE! This is a sponsored post.

July 3, 2007

"International Student" is Just a Euphemism for "Frigging Terorrist"

Education major Tad Cochrane Guest editorial by Tad Cochrane,
Georgetown University education major

You see them all over this bloody campus: funny-looking brown and yellow people wearing weird clothes and speaking like they have a chicken bone stuck in their throats. That, plus they always have this stale cabbage aroma thing going on.

The university weenies call them "international students," but to you and me they are really nothing more than TERRORISTS. Yes, you hard me: t-e-r-r-o-r-i-s-t-s.

"WHAT?!?!" you gasp, looking at me with that PC-horror. "They're just people!"

Oh, they're people all right. People who want to blow up the entire United States and turn it into a sand pit. That's why they are always engineers, so they can learn how to create more WMD.

Except for this Saudi chick named Baheera in my political science class. Oh my God - she is absolutely frigging HOT, dude! She's got these beautiful brown eyes, a perfect figure, and she is so damned cute the way she says my name; it comes out like "Todd" instead of "Tad." I find myself staring at her for like three-quarters of the class, dreaming of lying on her bed and plowing her fertile fields.

But really- that's how the terrorists hook you. They make you think they are just like you, and then BAM! Out pops the suitcase nukes. I bet Baheera's stashing a a 2-kiloton nuke in her garage or something.

But this patriot's not falling for it, nossir. As soon as I bag Baheera I am going to look over every square inch of her apartment and find those WMDs, and I am going to dowload every file on her computer and send it to the FBI.

You just never know.

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Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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