.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
October 15, 2008

Graduation Rates Appallingly Low for Nation's Beer Pong Athletes

Sure, they can nail the the arc and the fastball, but what about a diploma?

Graduation rates for college athletes improved one percentage point to 79% over the past year, according to the NCAA's most recent Graduation Success Rates (GSR) survey.

Yet one segment of student-athlete lagged far behind their basketball, football, and track peers: practitioners of the sport known as beer pong.

“Certainly we are not where we want to be, and I’m disappointed in how we compare to some of the other sports,” noted Brett Killian, NCAA Beer Pong director. "It takes time to change what's expected of coaches and what's expected of beer pong student-athletes: we have to change the culture, not just grades."

NCAA president Myles Brand praised the national figures, which showed that 78 percent of Division I athletes graduated within six years. 62 percent of men's basketball players graduated during that time, while 67 percent of BCS football players graduated.

A mere 3 percent of beer pong athletes, however, managed to graduate within 6 years, a figure that worries Killian.

"Straight up? I'm embarrassed,"he admitted. "These fuckers don't realize that there is more to life than beer pong. And while we're at it: what's with all this drink-and-dial shit with these idiots? Why do beer pongers thinks its OK to call someone in the middle of the night and share with them the pie-eyed truths that came to you after a half-bottle of Jack Daniels and seven keg stands. Like my dude Tre last week: shit-head calls me up and is narrating an episode of The Simpsons he's watching at 4:00 am, and then starts bawling about some hoochie who dumped him in 10th grade. As far as I'm concerned, beer pongers can kiss my ass."


October 7, 2008

The Codependent Collegian Sucks My Ass

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Collin Franks
UCLA Class of 2010

Franks: Using His Soap Box to Bash His Soap Box

You know, I’ve been a long-time fan of this website, The Codependent Collegian. But lately, with its utter lag in content and lack of invigorating humor to get me through the school week, I gotta take this link off my blog, my girlfriend’s blog, and the blog I use to troll for tranny porn.

I hate to say it, folks, but The Codependent Collegian sucks my ass.

It didn’t used to be this way. No sir. Once upon the time this site was full of cutting-edge journalism, and had all kinds of exclusive stories about orgies, and talking dorm buildings, and about how the only person who washes their hands at the downtown Arby’s in Toledo, Ohio is the fucking retard guy.

And when I’d run into my friends, and they’d say something like “Hey Collin, did you hear about the stock market dip?” or “can you believe these war casualties?,” I could look them proudly in the eye and say, “why no, fuck muffin, but I read an amazing exposé about the push-up bra this morning, and I must say that thing is some false goddamn advertising.”

In conclusion, it’s high time for The Codependent Collegian to stop sucking ass like a refurbished shop-vac somebody picked up from the curb and get back to reporting the news.


Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?