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July 29, 2005

Henry Ford Museum Reaffirms Mission to Rob Public of National Treasures

Left: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Assistant Editor

The Henry Ford Museum, as the self-proclaimed “greatest history attraction in America,” reaffirmed its prime motive to outbid the Smithsonian and other benevolent preservers of public memory by buying every meaningful scrap of American pop culture, a spokesperson announced last Thursday.

“Our goal has always been to pillage America’s collective consciousness for valuable artifacts,” senior public relations spokesperson Samuel Branch explained, “but given the warmth and vitality of the spring season, we felt the need to rededicate ourselves to the whimsical hoarding of historical relics.”

Located on the lush, 90-acre expanse of Greenfield Village in Deerborn, Michigan, the Museum preserves the legacy of innovative auto tycoon Henry Ford by housing noteworthy examples of American pride and unity, such as the Rosa Parks bus and the limousine in which President Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.

Additionally, the Museum maintains the Ford Rouge Factory, where car enthusiasts of all ages can witness the manufacture of the new Ford F-150 truck, as well as tributes to the factory explosion in 1999.

Billed in an ejaculatory burst of language as “a virtual reality theater adventure experience,” the factory tour allows industrial buffs to relish the magic of the assembly line by singing their forearms with welding sparks.

"There are few experiences as exciting as watching machines making more machines," said Branch.

He continued: “Ultimately, we offer attendees endless historical interaction that is well worth the $20 ticket price.”

Branch added: “Some critics argue our fee is exorbitant, but hey, what the fuck are unemployed stiffs in Michigan and Ohio gonna do — fly to D.C. and see better shit for free? I think not.”

July 27, 2005

Memorial Field House Officially Renamed

(Toledo, OH) After years of sitting vacant and going through numerous renovation plans, UT’s Memorial Fieldhouse is undergoing a name change to reflect its de facto function.

The building, which has served as the campus junk drawer for many years, is being renamed “Salvage Hall” in connection with its tendency to collect the jetsam and flotsam of a busy university.

University provost Alan Goodridge said that the change made monetary and logistical sense.

“Look, why go through the charade of another feasibility study that will go nowhere,” he said. “This way we get to acknowledge that the place is a rodent-infested hellhole that is good only for storing the crap that nobody has the heart to throw away.”

Citing the most recent building report, which estimated a renovation cost at $14.3 billion, Goodridge said that the university building funds can be spent on more useful pursuits.

“We have wanted a wet bar on the third floor of University Hall for years,” he said. “Now we can really get down to business over here.”

Goodridge proposed more building projects with the freed-up construction capital.

“We could really use an exercise room and sauna for the administration,” he said. “It’s a really long goddamn walk to the Rec Center, and some of us could be more productive if we didn’t waste time going to our step aerobics.”

Yet another project involves the President’s house.

“I was over to see Dan Johnson last week, and the guy had his PlayStation hooked up to the same TV as his VCR,” said Goodridge. “How does it look for the president of a major metropolitan university to have his Grand Theft Auto game interrupted by his wife, who wants to watch ‘The Gilmore Girls?’ Pretty tacky, that’s what. We are going to build the President a new game wing.”

July 24, 2005

Toledoans Terrorized by Neighborhood Gang

(Toledo, OH) Residents of Bronson Place, already reeling from the arrival of the Dexter Boyz in early July, received more bad news this week.

Calling themselves the “Webeloes,” a tough-looking bunch of delinquents marched down the street, sending neighborhood dogs into frenzy.

“I looked out my window and realized it was time to move,” said Edna Greenbaum, who has lived on the street for 30 years. “Just look at those hooligans!”

Local gangstas posing

Neighbor Sheldon Thompson agreed.

“They run in here talking about selling ‘candy,’” he said. “The police don’t do anything. These drug dealers have complete control of this city.”

“Jay B,” leader of the Dexter Boyz, said the new gang had better be careful.

“They think they bad? We’ll show them who’s motherfucking bad,” he said. “My 9mm gonna show them and their bitch-ass merit badges.”

Toledo Police chief Mike Navarre said that the gang force task unit will be reinstated to meet the new threat.

“We have zero tolerance for lawless gang-bangers,” he said. “This criminal crew is going down. Hard.”

July 22, 2005

Intelligent Design Advocates to Take on Theories of Gravity, Contagion

(Topeka, KS) Fresh from their recent victories over Darwinism, pro-creationism advocates from the Discovery Institute announced that they will now turn their sights on other secular scientific dogmas, including the so-called Newtonian law of gravity as well as the neo-pagan belief in contagion theory.

Jonathan Wells, a fellow at the explicitly pro-Intelligent Design think-tank, said that “it’s time to purge the entire atheistic canon from our schools.” He added that “observations, hypotheses and deductions to propose adequate explanations for natural phenomena are just more mumbo-jumbo from godless heathens who seek to poison our youth.”

Wells argued that the introduction of Newtonian physics in the educational curriculum was a sign of secular dominance of the nation’s schools. He called on the Department of Education to introduce competing theories.

“‘Rational Attraction’ is a theory that explains why objects fall to the Earth,” he said. “The phenomenon is caused by the seductive pull of Satan, who as we all know lives in the middle of the planet. Humans are stuck to the planet until the Rapture, when the elect go to Heaven while sinners go to Hell.”

Wells discussed another potential curricular addition.

“The theory of contagion was promulgated by pagan medicine persons to explain disease,” he said. “However, it is clear from the Bible that all plagues are either Heaven-sent from an angry God, or delivered up by the Prince of Darkness to afflict mankind.”

July 3, 2005

Subcomandante Bob's Photo

Here is Bob, in all of his revolutionary and drunken splendor.

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