Codependent Collegian

(Toledo, OH) After years of sitting vacant and going through numerous renovation plans, UT’s Memorial Fieldhouse is undergoing a name change to reflect its de facto function.

The building, which has served as the campus junk drawer for many years, is being renamed “Salvage Hall” in connection with its tendency to collect the jetsam and flotsam of a busy university.

University provost Alan Goodridge said that the change made monetary and logistical sense.

“Look, why go through the charade of another feasibility study that will go nowhere,” he said. “This way we get to acknowledge that the place is a rodent-infested hellhole that is good only for storing the crap that nobody has the heart to throw away.”

Citing the most recent building report, which estimated a renovation cost at $14.3 billion, Goodridge said that the university building funds can be spent on more useful pursuits.

“We have wanted a wet bar on the third floor of University Hall for years,” he said. “Now we can really get down to business over here.”

Goodridge proposed more building projects with the freed-up construction capital.

“We could really use an exercise room and sauna for the administration,” he said. “It’s a really long goddamn walk to the Rec Center, and some of us could be more productive if we didn’t waste time going to our step aerobics.”

Yet another project involves the President’s house.

“I was over to see Dan Johnson last week, and the guy had his PlayStation hooked up to the same TV as his VCR,” said Goodridge. “How does it look for the president of a major metropolitan university to have his Grand Theft Auto game interrupted by his wife, who wants to watch ‘The Gilmore Girls?’ Pretty tacky, that’s what. We are going to build the President a new game wing.”