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November 28, 2005

Student Recounts Pencil Sharpener Horror

(Toledo, OH) UT engineering student Marla Waiblinger sat down for her exam in Fluid Mechanics, thinking that she was well prepared. She had studied, attended all classes, and remembered to bring a pair of #2 pencils.

Unfortunately for Waiblinger, hers were unsharpened, and the lecture hall did not have a sharpener.

“I though to myself: Oh...my...God!” recounted Waiblinger. “I had 4 minutes until the exam began, and I was without a working pencil!”

Waiblinger asked her classmates for a pencil to borrow, but “they all just looked at me with dull-eyed stares,” she said.

Classmate John Henderson recalled the look of horror on Waiblinger’s face.

“That know-it-all geek was about to piss her pants,” he said. “No one wanted to help her, because she spent the entire semester sucking up to the professor. Plus, with her out of the picture, the curve would probably drop 5 points. Fuck it!”

Waiblinger next turned to the professor, who had no pencils.

She began to gnaw on some of the unsharpened pencils, but was getting nowhere with her efforts. Desperate, she began to roam from room to room in Snyder Memorial, unsuccessful in her attempts to locate the necessary implement.

“My heart started racing; all I could think about was how this was going to totally wreck my 4.0 GPA,” she recalled. “Plus, I don’t know how I would ever be able to face my parents if I failed this exam.”

Luckily for Waiblinger, she spotted a couple of stubby Putt-Putt pencils on the ground.

“I raced back to class with 47 minutes to spare,” she said. “I only got a 97 on the exam, but it was better than failing, that’s for sure.”

Henderson said the entire class groaned when Waiblinger returned.

“Just when we thought that God had given us a gift, He took it away,” he said. “What a cruel, cruel world.”

November 27, 2005

UT Motorist Group: "Pedestians Must Go"

Left: UT student "Ginuwine" protests campus pedestrians

(Toledo, OH) Representatives of a pro-motorist group, Tricked Out Car Klub (TOCK), gathered to protest what they call the proliferation of annoying pedestrians on campus.

Sitting behind the wheel of an ultra-mack 1998 E 430 sport with a thumpin' Bose premium audio system, spokesperson "Ginuwine" said that pedestrians pose a threat to motorists in a hurry.

"Yo. So I'm already 10 minutes late for class, and then this motherf***er thinks that those crosswalk lines mean something to me," he said. "Then he gives me this wack "slow down" shit, like I actually care."

Left: Tweaking walkers messing up a dope groove

Ginuwine said that campus police should be ticketing walkers.

"Yeah, boyeeeee. So I'm, like, driving on the winding roads between U-Hall and Snyder memorial, and this bee-otch starts flipping me off," he said, over the pounding def beat. "I'm all like: 'Why you bugging?' and she's all like: 'Get off the sidewalk, freak!' What a wack-ass buttaface."

The group also believes that there should be a new campus parking hierarchy based on automobile quality.

"Lissen up, y'all. Why should those hoopty-driving, class-freaking Jakes get to park in all the yellow spots?" he said of faculty. "They should save those for the big-baller crunks driving da Henny Shiznit, ayeeet?"

Once again, Subcomandante Bob and cohorts could not get off their lazy asses to provide you, the reader, with fresh material and opted to reprint a popular piece. Instead, they sat on their duffs and watched football all freaking day; at this rate, all 119 readers will have bolted the Collegian for more reliable satire sites. SHAME, SHAME SHAME!

November 24, 2005

New Fraternity Joins Michigan State Greeks

(East Lansing, MI) The MSU Greek Council announced that a new fraternity has been chartered on camous.

POK (Passed Out Kompletely) is a fraternal organization whose goals are "mostly social" in nature, according to POK president Jason Ditweiler.

"Basically we just want to get shit-faced 24/7," he said. "We don't have much else to say for ourselves."

Ditweiler said that the group regularly donates to local charities.

"We usually let this homeless guy have our returnables," he said, noting that Michigan has $.05 and $.10 deposits on beer containers. "Sometimes the dude walks out of here with like $30 in beer cans."

The group, which has faced opposition from local residents due to its rowdy parties, is attempting to improve its image.

"We are making a concerted effort to require all members and guests to vomit indoors," said Ditweiler, using a scraper to removed some freshly-dried spewage. "That, plus bringing inside anyone who has passed out on the lawn, should keep the neighbors happy."

November 23, 2005

Students Angered At Butt-Sniffing Horses

(Toledo, OH) Residents of the new Ottawa House West housing facility expressed frustration at what they perceive as obscene equine behavior.

The source of the disagreement is a series of wire horses, located at the north end of Rocket Hall. The nose of one of the horses is suspiciously close to the rear end of another, according to sophomore engineering student Justin Phillipart.

"Every morning I wake up and see that horse taking a huge snort of the other's ass," he said. "My parents are paying top dollar for this nastiness?"

Freshman Belinda Guggenheim agreed.

"The first time I saw those horses, I said: 'Oh...my...God!'" she said. "They won't allow Janet Jackson to flash a one-second breast on TV, but it's OK for horses to be getting all jiggy out in public? Gross!"

Designed by artist Peter Busby, the exhibit - entitled "The Noble Horse" - is a legacy to the area's history as a grazing meadow.

Guggenheim had another name for the artwork.

"I say they should call it 'Filthy Fillies,'" she said. "And to think that the daycare center is nearby!"

Yeah, it's a rerun. Subcomandante Bob is too busy celebrating the biggest bar night of the year to be bothered with things like actually doing some work.

November 18, 2005

CIA To Begin Campus Training Corps

Left: Female students next to new CIA campus logo

(Washington, DC) The Central Intelligence Agency announced that it is unveiling a program to develop campus training facilities, much like the Army and its ROTC program.

The Central Intelligence Agency Leadership Initiative for Service (CIALIS) will begin its first hard test in January.

"We are now firm in our commitment to head off the flaccid recruitment of our central office," said Peter Johnson, recruiting director for the CIA. "Our goal is to erect a training and recruitment facility on every US college campus."

Johnson said that the move has been met with near-universal approval.

"Everyone seems to want access to CIALIS," he said. "There seems to be a swelling of support in the middle of the body politic."

One of the best features of the program, said Johnson, is the the ability of potential recruits to hook up with CIA operations.

"It's a good way for newcomers to grab hold of the staff," he said. "Sometimes our members can be a bit stiff and wooden."

November 15, 2005

Illinois Weighs Replacements For Chief Illiniwek

By Banfu T. Burnside, Codependent Collegian contributing editor

(Chicago, IL) Illinois University is struggling to replace its athletic mascot in the wake of an NCAA ruling that allowed the school to keep its nickname, the Fighting Illini, but deemed the mascot, Chief Illiniwek "racially insensitive."

In the past week, several alternative mascots have been proposed, which will be voted upon by the student body at the close of the fall term. Among the early favorites are "Scalpin' Andy," a young brave clad in a bearskin, who will hurl rubber tomahawks at the opposing bench, and "Robo-Squaw," an android Native American that launches T-shirts from a papoose strapped to her back.

Director of Athletics, Marvin Henderson, spoke out in favor of the switch.

"Chief Illiniwek was dated," he said. "That endzone dance he did was goofy and demeaning to Native American people."

When asked his preference for the new mascot, Henderson replied with certainty.

"Oh, Robo-Squaw for sure," he said. "Not only can we market that whole T-shirt launcher thing, but we'll also make up for out past insensitivities by promoting a female mascot, and that's never been done before in Division 1-A ball."

Regardless of the decision made by students, Henderson expects great fanfare for the announcement.

"It'll be a heap-big party when we roll it out," he said. "Mark my words, heap-big!"

November 14, 2005

Provost Admits: "I Pretty Much Just Jack Off All Day"

(Providence, RI) Confirming widespread suspicions about administrative bloat in the nation's universities, Brown University Provost Martin Haverford admitted that his position is largely symbolic, and that he does little real work.

"I think I am typical of most university administrators," he said. "I get here about 9 AM, play a couple of games of Tetris, sign some papers, and then head to lunch. It's a 50-50 proposition if I return after lunch."

Haverford believes that he has earned his position.

"Look, I did the classroom thing for 14 years," he said. "Those fucking students will drive you absolutely nuts if you can't dream of a better life in the upper administration."

Taking a Darwinian approach to his hierarchical success, Haverford said that positions such as his are necessary in the modern university.

"We are essentially an academic corporation here at Brown, and it's kill-or-be-killed in today's universities," he said. "Can you run a Fortune 500 company without a phalanx of highly-compensated individuals? No-sir-ee!"

Haverford said that he resented call by legislators to cut funding to the nation's universities.

"Hey man, this is a regular gravy train," he said of his employment situation. "You think I am going to say anything that screws with my 401-K and pension? You're kidding, right?"

November 11, 2005

Professor Recognized For New Scientific Theory

(Los Angeles, CA) Vladimir Yarnov, professor of chemical engineering at UCLA, was recently awarded a Hanes Fellowship for his pioneering work on missing sock theory. Yarnov's research showed a direct link between the disappearnce of socks from clothes dryers and simultaneous reductions in energy consumption by the machines.

"Essentially, dryers consume the socks as fuel," said Yarnov. "During the petrochemical transduction phase, energy in the form of released hydrocarbons is transferred from the sock to the dryer."

Yarnov's team is still working out the details of the transference mechanism. The group, however, believes that sock with holes are particularly vulnerable to fabric evaporation.

"Sock holes represent a systemic breech that is exploited by the addition of energy from the dryer," said Yarnov. "Once the transduction begins, no force on earth is capable of stopping it."

Yarnov believes that the theory has applicability to other fields.

"We believe that the fields of corporate accounting and government finance will make use of instantaneous matter transduction theory," he said. "Both disciplines explore various phenomena of unexplained disappearance of material assets."

November 9, 2005

Flunking Student Dedicates Self To Being A Complete Ass

(Evanston, IL) Northwestern University freshman Marty Jamieson began the semester with high hopes after snagging a lucrative scholarship package.

However, after too many weeks of excessive drinking and Madden 2005, Jamieson is failing two courses. Worse yet, the deadline for withdrawal has already passed.

Jamieson has thus morphed into a professor's worst nightmare.

"If I am going to flunk, I am going to do it with style," he chuckled. "I have now devoted myself to a new purpose - becoming the biggest asshole in the history of Northwestern."

Jamieson described the first act of his new scholastic drama as a "doppelganger scheme."

"I bought an inflatable doll, and when I went to class, I left the doll in my chair," he laughed. "Then I announced that I had an important meeting to go to, and that the doll would be taking notes for me. Hilarious!"

Jamieson's next plan called for a bit of mimicry.

"I came to class wearing the same clothes as the professor, including the black T-shirt he wears under his suit jacket," he chuckled. "Then I called the professor a copycat; man, you should have seen that guy tweaking!"

The best gag that Jamieson has played this month required a high degree of concentration.

"I pretended to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class," he said. "Then I woke up in an annoying way with lots of loud yawning, said that I missed the lecture, and asked the professor to summarize what she talked about. Priceless!"

Northwestern University, citing confidentiality rules, said that it could not comment on Jamieson's status.

"He is free to act like a complete dick if he wants to," said a spokesperson. "We get paid either way."

November 7, 2005

Student Finds Harvard Guys "Pretty Much Idiots"

(Cambridge, MA) Despite boasting high entry requirements and students from some of America's premiere families, Harvard men are mostly a "bunch of self-centered buffons" according to freshman Amanda Tabner.

"I thought that coming to Harvard meant that I would meet some really intelligent guys with a bright future," she said. "Instead, my first encounter involved two sophomores trying to smother each other with dirty sweat socks."

Tabner indicated that the young men back home in Pennsylvania at least held jobs and developed some responsibility through work.

"These fools are either trust-fund babies or so in hock with students loans that they don't have jobs," she said. "Not a single one has a clue about the real world."

One incident in particular convinced Tabner that her future did not involve Harvard men.

"I came home from a movie and saw these two drunken retards on the front lawn of their dorm," she said. "They were naked and doing Pee Wee Herman impersonations. If I wanted to spend my life like this, I could have stayed home and saved a lot of money."

November 3, 2005

UT Starbucks Adds “Fucka Latte” to November Menu

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Although the Starbucks on the University of Toledo’s Bancroft Campus has always generated substantial revenue—even by corporate standards—manager Nick LoBianco decided to add a new blockbuster coffee this month: the Fucka Latte.

“We’ve enjoyed tremendous success here at UT since day one,” LoBianco candidly shared in a phone interview earlier this week with the Codependent Collegian. “This addition really had nothing to do with profits; it was simply a matter of maintaining our reputation for outstanding service and exotic brews. And what could be more exotic than a quickie with your cup o’ joe?”

The move has clearly enraged many UT organizations, such as the Campus Crusade for Christ, which has decried the decision as a “supreme distortion of beverage vending.”

However, some faculty members have hailed this new offering as a triumph of free markets and American ingenuity.

Business professor John Unger was particularly optimistic about the Fucka Latte, and mumbled “oh, sweet, sweet capitalism,” between deep, guttural moans as he received service from sophomore Brenda Thompson, who works part-time at the UT Starbucks from 4-9 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.

“I’m glad Starbucks is giving back to the UT community,” Unger added minutes later after he composed himself. “After screwing us for $5 coffees and $3 cookies, it’s about goddamn time consumers climbed on top.”

November 1, 2005

UT Ethics Prof Continues Unprecedented Streak of Lectures About Ex-Wife

By: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—When Jim Walker and his roommate signed up for Advanced Ethics last spring, they expected an engaging, fruitful course that examined the ultimate meaning of morality, democratic law, and modern codes of conduct. What they got was Instructor Stu Mauser, who, after a harrowing divorce in 1999, has set a UT record by giving 319 lectures in a row about his ex-wife Marissa, who by all accounts is a no-good slut and backstabbing bitch.

“On the first day of class Mauser set this odd tone,” Walker recalled in an exclusive interview with the Collegian earlier this week. “While every other prof talked about syllabi and procedures, Mauser kept using weird anecdotes to explain his teaching style. I mean, the guy compared plagiarism to fucking Tony Stewart, his next door neighbor, in the hall bathroom tub.”

While many of Walker’s classmates shared his extreme discomfort after the first week, the course continued to use Mauser’s personal life as a springboard for lectures and examinations, leading many to drop the course. After midterms, Mauser has dropped all pretense of altering his pedagogy.

“It’s really kind of sad,” remarked Winifred Chapman, a Sylvania-area florist who attends UT as a part-time student. “The young man comes in very prepared—he can barely open the door he carries so many books and notes—but within five minutes he’s on a tangent about ‘negative utilitarianism and blowing someone’s brother on a Metroparks bench.’ I think he may have a drinking problem.”

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