Codependent Collegian

By Banfu T. Burnside, Codependent Collegian contributing editor

(Chicago, IL) Illinois University is struggling to replace its athletic mascot in the wake of an NCAA ruling that allowed the school to keep its nickname, the Fighting Illini, but deemed the mascot, Chief Illiniwek "racially insensitive."

In the past week, several alternative mascots have been proposed, which will be voted upon by the student body at the close of the fall term. Among the early favorites are "Scalpin' Andy," a young brave clad in a bearskin, who will hurl rubber tomahawks at the opposing bench, and "Robo-Squaw," an android Native American that launches T-shirts from a papoose strapped to her back.

Director of Athletics, Marvin Henderson, spoke out in favor of the switch.

"Chief Illiniwek was dated," he said. "That endzone dance he did was goofy and demeaning to Native American people."

When asked his preference for the new mascot, Henderson replied with certainty.

"Oh, Robo-Squaw for sure," he said. "Not only can we market that whole T-shirt launcher thing, but we'll also make up for out past insensitivities by promoting a female mascot, and that's never been done before in Division 1-A ball."

Regardless of the decision made by students, Henderson expects great fanfare for the announcement.

"It'll be a heap-big party when we roll it out," he said. "Mark my words, heap-big!"