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September 28, 2005

PETA Protests UT "Franken-Furter"

(Toledo, OH) Hybrid experiments by UT biology researchers with giant Dachshunds have been called into question by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

PETA spokesperson Lisa Lange called the creatures - dubbed by UT officials as "Franken-Furters" - an "abomination in the eyes of all that is holy."

Lange said the group plans to maintain nightly vigils until the experimentation is finished.

"Look, even if they are kinda cute, it is simply unethical to breed these creatures," she said. "There is no way those stubby little legs can support 3 tons of dog."

UT professor Kevin Juhanek, leading the experiments, took issue with Lange's comments.

"We were sitting around one day smoking some weed when somebody said: 'What about a 20-foot tall Dachshund?'" said Juhanek. "Next thing we know, there's eight of these freaky monsters crashing around Bowman-Oddy."

Juhanek said that plans are still being finalized for the future of the dogs.

"We never thought this would actually work," he said. "Schmitt tried to take one home, but the thing busted out of the semi and tore up a golf course. We'll probably end up shooting the goddamn things."

September 26, 2005

Student Angry About Permit Policy

Left: Rajshahi and rickshaw

(Toledo, OH) Sophomore business major Marshall Hollingbrooke is peeved that UT officials are making him obtain a parking permit for his rickshaw.

"I spent 8 grand bringing the rickshaw and my driver Rajshahi from overseas," he said. "Now they want me to not only buy a parking permit, but they also won't allow Rajshahi to drive me up to campus buildings."

Hollingbrooke said that he is already facing a heavy financial burden.

Left: Hollingbrooke weighs his options

"Rajshahi eats like there is no end to the food," he said. "Now he is starting to demand shit like a Play Station and Fubu clothes. I definitely don't need UT trying to squeeze me, too."

Originally Holligbrooke hoped to save money on gas and insurance, but his financial austerity plans have gone awry.

"Yeah, Mr. Pussyfoot says he wants boots for the winter," he said. "He is also demanding days off, and thinks that he's some kind of labor law expert now. Last week he was trying to hit me up for overtime."

Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, Rajshai had few kind words for Hollingbrooke.

"Mr. Rick is a very greedy man who will one day pay for his selfishness," he said. "Besides, he leaves a very disgusting ring around the edge of the bathtub. I must disinfect the shower before I can even step into it."

September 23, 2005

AVI Gets Into Recycling Spirit

Left: perfectly good leftovers saved from the dumpster

(Toledo, OH) Institutional food service provider AVI Systems, which has the food service contract for the University of Toledo campus, announced a series of efforts that it hopes will encourage recycling.

"We are first focusing on food," said Bradley Amherst, director of campus operations. "Baked potatoes will be recylced into tomorrow's French fries, which will then be ground into Thursday's tater tots and mashed potatoes."

Amherst said that the "recycle first" policy will not only help the environment, but will ensure that the world's scarce food supplies will not be wasted.

"It would be a shame for there to be starving people on the planet, while some insensitive sophomore dumps an entire tray of perfectly good food in the trash," he said. "We have a crew going through the refuse containers who salvage anything still edible with a good hosing down."

One of the best menu items for recycling, said Amherst, is the daily meatloaf.

"Nobody knows what's in it anyways," he said. "We grind up whatever is laying around, baste it with ketchup, and these schmucks eat it up like filet mignon. We even mixed sawdust in a few times, and no one batted an eye."

September 22, 2005

Student Decries Lack Of Willing 3-Some Partners

(Toledo, OH) Encouraged by the DVD "Ohio Coeds Gone Wild," freshman Kyle Banerman had high hopes as he unloaded the last of his belongings from his mom's minivan.

"I thought to myself 'PartyTown, here I come,'" he said. "The reality is that I have yet to even score a phone number. How depressing."

Banerman said that he feels deceived by university officials and the producers of the "Gone Wild" film series.

"Yeah, on Rocket Launch they told us that the students here were a real 'fun bunch.' Hey - I can read between the lines as much as anyone, and I got what the dude was saying," he said. "On the video there were at least a dozen bitches that said they was from Toledo, and that they will take on anyone. Well, here I am - where are da bitches?"

The freshman said that the closest he has come to connecting on a 3-some was when his roommate recommended a downtown club - Hooterville Station.

"This dude came up and started talking about 3-ways in the parking lot, and I'm all 'Let's do it!'" he said. "I go out back and there's like 15 gay dudes in this mobile home. I was like 'no way, don't swing that way.'"

Banerman said that he must have had a little too much to drink that night.

"I woke up the next morning at some weightlifter's place," he said. "The dude told me he carried me home after I passed out. Boy, it sure was nice to wake up on satin sheets instead of face-down in a gravel parking lot."

September 19, 2005

Student Tired Of Hip-Hop References

(Toledo, OH) Senior business student Jon Hewitt is fed up with what he calls "ghetto bullshit" that other finance majors - mostly white - send his way.

"I was giving a presentation in an eCommerce class when this idiot agreed with my argument by saying: 'Yo, I'm down wit dat,'" said Hewitt. "At first I thought that he was mocking me, until he used the phrase 'bling-bling' to describe my marketing approach."

Hewitt said that the hip-hop euphemisms are most likely an attempt by white students to find some common ground.

"The problem is, I don't even listen to that type of music," he said, adding that he spends a lot of time listening to Dave Matthews and Ben Folds Five. "So I don't even get half the shit they are saying."

The worst experience, said Hewitt, was when a professor fell into the behavior.

"I was attending a financial management seminar and the professor kept using the word 'def,'" he said. "It took three times before I realized that she was not talking about hearing-impaired customers. What a moron."

Left: Classmate "Puffy" Gunderschmidt, jes tryin' to help a brotha out an' shit

Classmates in Hewitt's eCommerce class disagreed with his assessment.

"Yeah, boy-eee, that nigga be one tight-assed freak," said Jeremy "Puffy" Gunderschmidt. "He all like: 'I think perhaps you have me confused with another person' and I'm all like: 'Jes chill out, cuz.' He all up in mah grill an' shit."

September 17, 2005

Student Finds Restrooms In Union Cleaner Than Snyder Memorial

Left: Holderfeld, entering a restroom at Snyder Memorial

(Toledo, OH) Don Holderfeld says that he is just a "regular guy" who notices things. One of the things that he has noticed is a disparity between the cleanliness of the retrooms in Snyder Memorial in comparison with the Student Union.

"Yeah, sometimes both paper towel dispensers are not filled," he said, adjusting his surgical mask. "And the soap dispenser on the right hand sink has some black smudgy stuff on it."

Holderfeld said that he is worried about transmissible disease at Snyder Memorial.

"I think that they are not using the right disinfectant over there," he said of custodians. "It just doesn't smell the same as the Student Union."

The administration, said Holderfeld, needs to take action.

"What we really need is for the janitors at the Union to spread that same can-do spirit to the lackeys at Snyder Memorial," he said. "If it can be done at the Union, it can be done at Snyder."

Left: UT custodian Verna Williford

Custodial worker Verna Williford disagreed with Holderfeld's assessment.

"That motherf***er came in here spouting off about a 'hierarchy of hygiene,'" she said. "I swear to God, if that crazy bastard comes around me ahain, I am going to shove this toilet brush up his ass."

September 15, 2005

Confused Gun Activists Disrupt Third Amendment Rally on UT Campus

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—A small band of pro-firearm students, clad in fatigues and paramilitary equipment, infiltrated a recent rally on the UT campus advocating the 3rd amendment last Tuesday, sparking widespread confusion and creating a general state of constitutional bewilderment.

“At first we thought those guys showed up as a joke,” Maria Fortinelli remarked, who is Vice President of the 3rd Amendment Advocacy League, Ohio chapter. “It became painfully clear after a few minutes though—they really though we were here to bash gun control. I was totally freaked. I mean, when a 19 year-old kid is missing that many teeth, it’s just creepy.”

The 3rd Amendment is arguably the most overlooked among the Bill of Rights, and protects American citizens from having to quarter and feed troops in their homes during times of peace. To date, there has only been one Supreme Court case that tested the interpretation of the amendment, and concerned the housing of national guardsmen during a 1982 police strike in rural New York.

Widespread ignorance of the 3rd Amendment was the primary reason last week’s rally dissolved into aggressive finger-pointing, and became what one observer called “the most ironic breakdown of campus activism I’ve ever fucking seen.”

One of the firearm advocates, speaking only under the assurance of anonymity, described the scene.

“Look—if someone had just had a copy of the goddamn Constitution, none of this would’ve happened," he said. "How were we supposed to know the rally was about the right NOT to feed militiamen soup and let ‘em sleep on your couch?"

The pro-firearm advocate offered further reflections.

"Come to think of it, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard," he said. "Those who defend this great country deserve to share the homes and hearths of their fellow Americans. That’s what gun rights, at their very core, are all about — togetherness.”

September 14, 2005

Student Recounts Pencil Sharpener Horror

(Toledo, OH) UT engineering student Marla Waiblinger sat down for her exam in Fluid Mechanics, thinking that she was well prepared.

She had studied, attended all classes, and remembered to bring a pair of #2 pencils.

Unfortunately for Waiblinger, hers were unsharpened, and the lecture hall did not have a sharpener.

“I though to myself: Oh...my...God!” recounted Waiblinger. “I had 4 minutes until the exam began, and I was without a working pencil!”

Waiblinger asked her classmates for a pencil to borrow, but “they all just looked at me with dull-eyed stares,” she said.

Classmate John Henderson recalled the look of horror on Waiblinger’s face.

“That know-it-all geek was about to piss her pants,” he said. “No one wanted to help her, because she spent the entire semester sucking up to the professor. Plus, with her out of the picture, the curve would probably drop 5 points. Fuck it!”

Waiblinger next turned to the professor, who had no pencils.

She began to gnaw on some of the unsharpened pencils, but was getting nowhere with her efforts.

Desperate, she began to roam from room to room in Snyder Memorial, unsuccessful in her attempts to locate the necessary implement.

“My heart started racing; all I could think about was how this was going to totally wreck my 4.0 GPA,” she recalled. “Plus, I don’t know how I would ever be able to face my parents if I failed this exam.”

Luckily for Waiblinger, she spotted a couple of stubby Putt-Putt pencils on the ground.

“I raced back to class with 47 minutes to spare,” she said. “I only got a 97 on the exam, but it was better than failing, that’s for sure.”

Henderson said the entire class groaned when Waiblinger returned.

“Just when we thought that God had given us a gift, He took it away,” he said. “What a cruel, cruel world.”

September 13, 2005

Aliens Destroy Arlington Midwest Memorial

(Toledo, OH) The Codependent Collegian has learned that a visiting reconnaissance team from the Alpha Centauri star system inadvertantly flattened the Arlington Midwest memorial last week.

"We're awfully sorry about that," said Grujurb Smarnigalb, a spokesbeing for the group. "It looked clear on the radar, but after we landed we saw what we had done."

Smarnigalb said the crew of the ship started to pick the tombstones back up, but were forced to leave when some passing sorority girls started screaming.

"I am sure our apearance must have been startling," he said. "We get a bad rap for those anal probes and all that horseshit."

Smarnigalb hopes to make it up to the community.

"When the invasion begins, we will have a special place in our second heart for Northwest Ohio," he said. "We will put all of you in a better work camp."

September 10, 2005

Freshman to Roommate: “You Didn’t Just Catch Me Masturbating”

Guest editorial by Justin McKenzie, UT class of ‘09

Mitch, you’re obviously uncomfortable right now, so let me set the record straight: you totally didn’t just walk in on me masturbating.

I know what you’re thinking. You sauntered down the hall, an ethics lecture still buzzing around your brain, wondering if the cafeteria was serving chicken cacciatore for dinner tonight, and opened the door to our dorm room to find my pants around my ankles.

Honestly, though, there is a completely reasonable explanation for all this. You see, I have a serious medical condition. Dr. Spencer—that’s my family doctor back home in Sylvania—he prescribed this salve for my penis around the time I was 13, and I have to apply it vigorously twice daily. But it’s nothing to be embarrassed about—I hear a lot of men have problems in that area. In fact, I bet some of the guys down the hall use the same topical cream. Or Jergen’s hand lotion. It’s practically the same stuff.

Which leads me to this wad of tissues. I must say, I’ve been Mr. Sniffles with this early autumn weather we’ve had lately, so my nose has been running like a gazelle. Sometimes I’m about to sneeze so hard, I don’t have time to get them out of the box, so I like to keep them right here on my desk for easy access. I’m all about hygiene. You wouldn’t want me to sneeze all over your textbooks, would you? That would just be disgusting.

There’s no need to tell any of my friends about this. Most of them already know, and I wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable. I mean, the thought of me, the Justinator, having a permanent physical handicap…it would change the way people treat me. I don’t need any sympathy or special treatment. All I need to do is slather my penis in this cool, soothing ointment twice a day, and rub it softly as I listen to a Barry White album. His soulful crooning always eases my nerves.

So the next time you come back from class and find my cock harder than a steel rail, know this: I’m not masturbating—I’m taking my medicine.

September 8, 2005

Mentally-Challenged Employee Only One Who Washes Hands At Local Restaurant

By: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Wally York, a special needs employee at a nearby Arby’s, is the only employee who regularly washes his hands before his shift or after using the lavatory, according to a recent report by the Lucas County Board of Health.

“That nigga ain’t right,” commented Sheila Watkins, a part-time employee who often works weeknights with York. “He goes in [the restroom] like, a million times every night, and he never zips up his fly. I bet he beats his shit in there. I don’t trust anybody who smiles all the goddamn time like that.”

York was unavailable for comment, but shift manager Tim Bowland vouched for his professionalism.

“Look—the guy drools and has no idea how to fill out his time card, but he’s one of the best employees I got," he said. "At least he doesn’t steal food like you-know-who.”

Fry cook Bobby Masson disagreed.

“There’s something wrong with that boy,” he said. “It just ain’t natural to be in the bathroom so much.”

Arby’s, LLC—the parent company of all Arby’s, T.J. Cinnamons and Pasta Connection restaurants— affirmed its dedication to hygienic kitchens and quality meals in a recent press release.

“While the City of Toledo has legitimate concerns about the condition of this Arby’s restaurant,” the release read, “we are nonetheless proud of Mr. York and his shining example of productivity, determination, and cleanliness. If every Arby’s employee had an I.Q. of 48, our success would be limitless.”

UT Student Sees Motivation Leave At Record Rate

(Toledo, OH) Sophomore philosophy major Matt Wernecke, lying prone on his dorm futon, mulled over his options in the face of a "catastrophic enthusiasm loss" in his third week of classes.

"I started out great, only skipping three classes in my first two weeks," he said, eating pizza leftover from last weekend. "Now, here it is Thursday, and I haven't attended a class all week."

Wernecke, who is taking only 12 credit hours this semester, struggled to find a reason for his inability to get moving.

"My classes are OK, I guess, and the workload is very reasonable," he said. "I'm not working anyplace right now, since I got fired from Steak-and-Shake. I just don't want to go to class."

Wernecke said that he has "read a few pages" from each of his textbooks, but he lost the notebook with his syllabi.

"I know I need to go see the professors and get caught up, but I have always been a procrastinator," he said, tossing the pizza box into a pile of trash in the corner. "I figure I'll wait until midterms, when the pressure of failing will be very high."

Wernecke's roommate, Sanjay Preterjama, minced no words in his assessment of the situation.

"This person is a total disgrace to humanity," he said, adding that he has been begging to be reassigned to another dorm. "He will not clean up after himself, he never pays for pizza, and he thinks it's OK to raid my mini-refrigerator for food. If there is a God, and He has kindness, He will deliver me from this living hell."

September 5, 2005

Students Find New Profit Opportunity

Left: Mills and Nelson in homeless disguise

(Toledo, OH) Faced with a reduction in funds from parents unwilling to finance his 6th year in college, Louie Mills came up with what he called "a really bitchin'" idea: pretend to be homeless.

"At first it was a little weird," he said. "Then the money started rolling in."

Mills found that he could not adequately cover his intersection, so he drafted his roommate Bryce Nelson into the scheme.

"During rush hour we can clear $50 apiece," he said, displaying a fistful of bills. "That's enough for dope, Doritos, AND a case of beer."

There is an added benefit to the underground economy, Mills said.

"When I do my FAFSA next year, I will show zero income," he laughed. "They'll probably give me like $20 K for being so f**king poor."

September 4, 2005

Student Questions Life After Class

(Toledo, OH) Junior finance major Megan Vandersteen thought she was signing up for a "nice little Humanities class" when she registered for Intro to Philosophy, but she got more than she bargained for.

"All I wanted to do was kill a requirement and have some fun," she said, staring down at her feet. "Now I am all messed up in the head, thanks to that professor."

The third-year student said that, since taking the course, she has begun to question her values.

"I had it all planned out: BA, MBA, corporate career, CEO of a mid-sized investment bank, the whole bit," she said. "Now I'm thinking about crazy shit like the Peace Corps and social work. I want my old life back."

Philosophy professor Greg Schadenfreude took issue with Vandersteen's comments.

"Look, it's an intro course that covers everything from Aristotle to Foucault," he said. "It's not my fault that this whack job took all that stuff seriously."

Schadenfreude said that the confused student is beginning to appear threatening.

"OK, I understand the calls to my house and office during the term," he said. "But this psycho is hanging around my lake cottage, leaving treatises on my windshield, and even sitting next to me at Mass. I'm getting a little freaked here."

Vandersteen said that she would gladly stop pestering the instructor.

"All I want is what that man took from me," she said.

September 2, 2005

Student Wonders If Yellow Shirt Makes Him Look Gay

(Toledo, OH) What was intended to be a simple gift has turned into an identity crisis for UT student Randy Hendryk.

"My girlfriend gave me the shirt on my birthday," he said. "When I opened it, I didn't know what to think. I mean, I usually just wear athletic T-shirts."

Hendryk said that he felt "weird" when he put it on.

"I shouldn't read too much into it, but I could tell right away it wasn't me," he said. "I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I told her it was great."

Hendryk's girlfriend, Stacey Montooth, said that she knew he didn't like the shirt.

"He is such a dweeb," she said. "If he didn't like it, I could have taken it back. But he's all 'Oh! It's perfect' and everything."

Montooth was especially annoyed at what she called Hendryk's "passive-agressive routine."

"We were at a party and he said he 'lost' the shirt," she said. "Just before we left I saw it in the bathroom trash can. I never would have bought him the stupid shirt if I had known how insecure he would get over it."

Hendryk, wearing the shirt, interrupted Montooth to ask: "Does Justin Timberlake wear one of these?"

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