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September 28, 2005

PETA Protests UT "Franken-Furter"

(Toledo, OH) Hybrid experiments by UT biology researchers with giant Dachshunds have been called into question by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

PETA spokesperson Lisa Lange called the creatures - dubbed by UT officials as "Franken-Furters" - an "abomination in the eyes of all that is holy."

Lange said the group plans to maintain nightly vigils until the experimentation is finished.

"Look, even if they are kinda cute, it is simply unethical to breed these creatures," she said. "There is no way those stubby little legs can support 3 tons of dog."

UT professor Kevin Juhanek, leading the experiments, took issue with Lange's comments.

"We were sitting around one day smoking some weed when somebody said: 'What about a 20-foot tall Dachshund?'" said Juhanek. "Next thing we know, there's eight of these freaky monsters crashing around Bowman-Oddy."

Juhanek said that plans are still being finalized for the future of the dogs.

"We never thought this would actually work," he said. "Schmitt tried to take one home, but the thing busted out of the semi and tore up a golf course. We'll probably end up shooting the goddamn things."


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