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December 12, 2008

This Is the Dumbest Bunch of Fucktards I’ve Ever Seen

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Penn State’s Standardized Psych 101 Final Exam

A Standardized Test With, Well, Standards

Over the years, I’ve sure had some pea-brained knuckle-draggers take me at the end of the semester. I distinctly remember Wyatt Anderson in the spring ’05 term, who attended every one of Professor Stevenson’s lectures and still got an 11%. And of course, who could forget Tina McElerie last summer, who answered ‘C’ to every one of my true/false questions.

But without a doubt, this fall’s twenty sections of Psych 101 are the dumbest bunch of fucktards I’ve ever had the displeasure to watch bubbling in their Scantron responses.

Let me begin with a disclaimer: most folks aren’t fans of standardized tests. Hell, if I wasn’t one myself, I’d probably be prejudiced, too. We all know the old clichés—all a standardized exam does is test your ability to take a standardized exam, etc.

But at a major university like Penn State, it’s imperative to have an instrument like me—an objective, fifty question exam that serves as the exit criteria for an introductory course taken by every Billy Q. Ballsweat and Sally M. Rottensnatch.

Speaking of these little darlings, they averaged a whopping 61% D on my ass. These booze-battered nincompoops barely know the difference between Sigmund Freud and Carl Rogers. Hell, I heard Desmond Cooper muttering under his breath that B.F. Skinner “is that principal dude on The Simpsons…what the hell is he doing on an exam”? Newsflash, Desmond: you should have been a blowjob, you gunny sack of gorilla mung.

Do you want to know why terrorists fly planes into our buildings and our economy is on the brink of a total meltdown? It’s because only 37% of American students in a psych course can define ‘psychology.’ That’s right: two-thirds of test takers got THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKING QUESTION WRONG.

The answer, by the way, is “the science of human behavior and mental processes.” Pretty tough stuff, considering this was defined ON THE FIRST PAGE OF THE COURSE SYLLABUS. Thank god I’m only a test—if I was a professor with students like these, I’d need a fucking shrink.


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