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August 30, 2006

No-Talent Freshman Has Nothing to Offer YouTube

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Chambliss going stag at his senior prom last spring

(Ann Arbor, MI)—University of Michigan freshman Owen Chambliss has always been one to jump on internet bandwagons: ICQ, Instant Messenger, and MySpace have all suffered the wrath of his pathetic, stolid life.

However, the recent popularity of YouTube—an endless archive of streaming video—has rendered the no-talent Chambliss unable to participate in this year’s hottest online trend.

“Have you seen that Chinese dude shred through Pachelbel’s Canon on electric guitar?,” Chambliss sighed. “He was a fucking God. That guy is gonna have a record contract soon. Me, I cut myself flossing every night. I’m screwed.”

Chambliss added that he has "tried a couple of times" to put together an initial video.

"I thought I would film myself in my morning routine, but when I edited it there was nothing worth posting," he said, looking down. "Then my roommate was going to tape me jerking off to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," but I shot my load before the chorus."

Chambliss’ small circle of associates heartily concur that his life lacks cinematic zest.

“Sophomore year of high school he got it in his head that he wanted to be a jock,” remarked friend and fellow Michigan freshman Chester “Zitty” Daniels. “He’s 6’ 2”, 119 lbs., and has the hand-eye coordination of a drunken albatross. The JV practice squad ran a clinic on his ass that day — I can’t remember, though, if he broke three ribs or four. Shit, I wish I had a video of that.”

August 27, 2006

Math Prof Paranoid about Porno Stash on Hard Drive

Depressed college math professor By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Oxford, MS)—University of Mississippi math professor Dan Upton has grown increasingly obsessed throughout August since he is due to receive a new computer for his campus office before the fall semester begins next week.

The quandary, according to Upton, is that his current machine is chock-full of hardcore pornography, which he has no way of backing up, yet he remains reluctant to delete it despite the prospect of losing his job.

“Man, it took me three years to get this collection of MPEGS, WAV files, and freaky coed pics just to my liking,” Upton groaned in an exclusive phone interview with the Codependent Collegian. “I’m days away from having to turn this goddamn thing back to Computer Services, and there’s no way for me to copy 119 gigabytes of naughtiness. I’m fucked.”

The tenured math professor admitted that he has had plenty of time to perform the file transfers.

"Yeah, they sent me an email in June, but I have been putting it off," he said, acknowledging his propensity toward procrastination. "I just kept hoping the IT techs would be on their usual scheule, which is about nine months behind the announced date."

Motherboard Left: Where Upton has been putting the "hard" in hard drive, if you know what we mean

Upton, the perennial intellectual, presented his unique dilemma to some of his summer students with the hope that they could help him find a solution.

“I decided to include this as an extra credit word problem on my statistics exam last week — boy, was that a waste of time,” Upton lamented while viewing the black-and-white classic Citizen Kunt with the sound turned off. “Those summer kids are dumber than a litter of inbred spaniels. Hold on a sec, Billy — this dude is about to blow a load on Rosebud.”

August 23, 2006

Fourth Year Student “Totally Outraged” Senior Discounts Don’t Apply to Him

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(College Park, MD)—After four years of meaningless general education courses and crummy housing, Tim Bixler was looking forward to his final two semesters at the University of Maryland, when he would reap the many rewards of his hallowed Senior status.

The most valuable of these, or so Bixler thought, was his Senior Citizen discount at local retailers, movie theaters, and restaurants.

Bixler was shocked to discover late yesterday evening, however, that the term “Senior” referred to individuals of retirement age—in most states, 65—and had no bearing on his academic accomplishments.

“I felt like I’d been fucking robbed,” Bixler huffed while nursing a cup of coffee at a local Denny’s. The past three years blew, man—algebra, psychology, jazz appreciation—I’m a Spanish major for Christ’s sake.”

According to Bixler, his previous misinterpretation resulted in a heated public confrontation last night at Cherokee Lanes, the most popular bowling alley in College Park.

“Those bastards wanted me to pay my old rate of $3 a frame,” Bixler reflected. “I told those guys I’m a Senior Citizen now, so I get the $1.50 rate. You should have seen the look on the manager’s face—he almost shit himself laughing. I tell ya, a senior gets no respect in this town.”

August 22, 2006

Freshman Decries Lack of Willing Threesome Partners

Wild college manBanerman, ready to PAR-TAY

(Toledo, OH) Encouraged by the excitement he saw on the DVD "Ohio Coeds Gone Wild," freshman Kyle Banerman had high hopes as he unloaded the last of his belongings from his mom's minivan.

"I thought to myself 'PartyTown, here I come,'" he said. "The reality is that I have yet to even score a phone number. How depressing."

Banerman said that he feels deceived by university officials and the producers of the "Gone Wild" film series.

"Yeah, on Rocket Launch they told us that the students here were a real 'fun bunch.' Hey - I can read between the lines as much as anyone, and I got what the dude was saying," he said. "On the video there were at least a dozen bitches that said they was from Toledo, and that they will take on anyone. Well, here I am - where are da bitches?"

The freshman said that the closest he has come to connecting on a 3-some was when his roommate recommended a downtown club - Hooterville Station.

"This dude came up and started talking about 3-ways in the parking lot, and I'm all 'Let's do it!'" he said. "I go out back and there's like 15 gay dudes in this mobile home. I was like 'no way, brother, I don't swing that way.'"

Left: Banerman's new friends

Banerman said that he must have had a little too much to drink that night, because he felt "all woozy" within minutes of the trailer party.

"I woke up the next morning at some weightlifter's place," he said. "The dude told me he carried me home after I passed out. Boy, it sure was nice to wake up on satin sheets instead of face-down in a gravel parking lot. Dude was pretty cool."

August 18, 2006

Sophomore Finds Short Shorts Express Her True Self

Short shorts with phrase: Cum DumpsterLeft: Defiant mode of expression

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State education major Marissa Hure has never been one to be restrained in polite company.

"I'm always the girl who is, like, all up in your face," she said, crushing a cigarette. "I say what's on my mind, and if you don't like it, well, too damn bad."

Hure has taken to wearing provocative short shorts with witty sayings on the rear.

"It serves people right for staring at my ass," she said, crossing her legs. "If someone is going to sneak an eye-feel when my back is turned, I am going to make sure I am heard."

College sophomore with attitudeLeft: Hure is, for sure, never one to back down

Hure said that she has recieved many disapproving looks from passersby in public settings.

"This stupid woman started frowning at me when I walked by her with my 'Shakin' It' shorts last week at the mall," she laughed. "I looked her right in the face and screamed: 'Stop looking at my ass and just suck my left nipple, you crotchety old bitch!' THAT shut her up, all right."

August 17, 2006

Freshman “Totally Bummed” by Crappy Schedule

Bummed college studentBy Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Longenecker pouting at his favorite watering hole

(Toledo, OH)—Matt Longenecker, an incoming freshman at the University of Toledo, thought it would be a "cinch" to select his fall schedule in August, despite months of procrastination.

However, he was stunned to learn that only a few courses remain open, none of which are in his major.

“I want to be a philosophy major cause, like, I love to analyze how meaningless stuff is,” Longenecker poignantly revealed. “But now I’m stuck taking a criminal justice class for three hours on Monday nights, and a section of freshman comp on Saturdays. I didn’t even know colleges had classes on Saturdays. This is some sort of cosmic joke.”

In order to maintain full-time status, Longenecker had to add some "completely useless" credits.

"I'm taking a 3-credit yoga class and 1-credit courses in wine-tasting, bowling, and meditation," he said, picking at a scab on his arm. "It was either that, or forego that $2,000 financial aid refund I am going to get in October, and I want some spinner rims, so a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?"

Arthur SchopenhauerLeft: Let me tell you about visions and colors, dude

Longenecker’s parents, however, do not appear to sympathize with their son’s plight.

“God bless UT,” huffed John Longenecker, 58, an electrical engineer. “They sent my kid at least a dozen letters this summer reminding him to pick his classes, but what did he do? Smoke pot all day and watch reruns of M*A*S*H. Yeah. He’s the next Schopenhauer.”

August 14, 2006

Student Angry about Airline Carry-on Restrictions

(Washington, DC) Georgetown junior education major Tad Cochrane, discussing the recent airline terror plot, expressed outrage over what he called "totally bogus" new restrictions for passengers.

"So I'm trying to get on this plane to Las Vegas, and the Northwest dude was all like: 'Ummm- you can't bring that toothpaste on board,'" said Cochrane, shaking his head. "And I'm all like: 'Ri-i-i-i-ght,' thinking it's a joke. But the rent-a-boy was serious, man. It was hella wrong."

Cochrane said that TSA employees need to stop "bugging" and focus on real terror suspects.

"Look, this is pretty simple: just prevent everyone with a name like 'Ahmed' or who wears a turban from boarding a plane," he said. "Why they got to get all up in my grille is beyond me, since I'm about the last guy to want to blow up a plane."

Cochrane, who admits to being "a political duck," said that he may present his ideas to TSA officials.

"I think they'd be pretty crunked to hear from someone like me, an outsider, who can go in there all ballsy and say what for," he mused. "Sometimes people need to step out of their sandbox for a minute and listen to a straight-up smoker. A-i-i-ight?"

August 12, 2006

College Student, Homeless Dude Argue Over Poverty

Homeless manLeft: Duncan pleads his case

(Baltimore, MD) Coppin State sophomore Kyle Brennan and local homeless denizen Mitchel "Jay-Jay" Duncan recently got into a "spirited" debate over their respective states of impoverishment.

Duncan said that his situation the last few years has been "pretty bad."

"There are days when I don't even eat, and I haven't seen a doctor in six years," he admitted, rinsing his socks in a downtown fountain. "I share this park bench with pigeons and mosquitos, and people sometimes throw shit at me as they drive down the highway."

Brennan said that "a degree of relativity" needs to be brought into the debate.

"Look, man - I grew up in a wealthy, white, upper class suburb, and my parents bought me everything I asked for," he said, kicking a can down the street with his green Timberlands. "Now I eat Easy Mac and cheap sausage almost every day, and many is the week when the money runs out long before we need to make a beer run. I ask you - is this the American dream?"

Male college student Left: Brennan has now tasted real poverty

Duncan said that many nights he lies in fear of being attacked.

"There's a lot of really messed up people out here, people who would kill you for five bucks," he said. "I have been jumped while sleeping, and stabbed while waiting for a slice of stale bread at the soup kitchen. It's pretty rough."

Not to be outdone, Brennan said that college life is "mondo cutthroat."

"One minute this chick is my best friend, the next she's pulling a 98 on the exam and fucking up the curve for everyone else," he said, shaking his head. "It's dog-eat-dog at Coppin State."

The debate evaluation committee, composed of three of Brennan's roommates, gave the nod to the young business major, citing his "bitchin' rhetoric" and "lack of body odor" as reasons for awarding victory to Brennan.

August 10, 2006

Reclusive Geek Puzzled by Diagnosis of ‘Jock’ Itch

(Austin, TX) Craig Larsen doesn’t get out much, and the junior information systems major says he has “absolutely no athletic ability.”

“So how can I end up with a case of jock itch?” he asked Codependent Collegian reporters. “I mean, if I actually sweated or something I could see it, but I don’t even play Madden Football.”

Larsen believes that someone has purposely infected him with the fungus, which was confirmed during a visit to the UT Student Health Center.

“I don’t know how they pulled it off, but it had to be someone in my dorm,” he said, scratching his groin. “I think it might be [physics classmate Kyle] Massenheim, who’s pissed that my retrofitted, LINUX-powered motherboard outperformed his in a RAM test.”

Ex-girlfriend Tracy Phillips has been ruled out as a possible source of the infection, said Larsen.

“For one, we never actually made out, despite what I told everyone,” he admitted, gesturing toward a wall-sized poster of the young woman. “Besides, Tracy is a saint, and pure as the driven snow. The day that a goddess like Tracy carries a fungal infection is the day I turn celibate. Officially.”

August 9, 2006

Hottie Totally Denies Ownership of Granny Panties

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: These big, honking granny panties have no declared owner

(Reno, NV)—Claire Kessler, resident fox in Erickson Dormitory at the University of Reno, recently denied her ownership of ‘granny panties,’ even though they were spotted within plain view of her closet hamper.

Study partner and sometimes sex-pal Josh Ritchie offered his perspective in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian.

“I showed up about 15 minutes early for our chemistry cram session, and her room seemed messier than normal,” Ritchie recalled. “She had just gotten out of the shower, so I busied myself with her CD collection. That’s when I spotted this cottony blob. I swear, they were bigger than the mizzen mast on a frigate.”

Left: Kessler wouldn't go there, right?

Kessler’s roommate and confidant Pam Montgomery was not surprised by this discovery, however.

“The only time she wears the good stuff is when that douche bag Josh comes over,” Montgomery vented. “I know he thinks they’re ‘studying,’ but you should see how much time she spends getting ready. Maybe next time she’ll take a minute to hide those things under her bed like the rest of us.” Paris Hilton

August 7, 2006

Subway’s Jared Heckled During Inspirational Speech

Jared Fogle By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Fogle, moments before the booing

(Baton Rogue, LA)—Jared Fogle, the iconic weight-loss spokesperson for Subway restaurants, was heckled to the point of tears during his recent appearance at Louisiana State University’s football camp.

Fogle was one of many celebrities hired by LSU coaches to inspire players during their intense preseason training, but sadly, Fogle’s inspirational tale of overcoming obesity fell on deaf ears.

“When they said celebrity appearances, I thought—shit, we’re gonna meet Pam Anderson or something,” recalled LSU defensive end Claude Boten, Jr. “Then this pudgy Jewish guy comes in talkin’ about tuna on wheat. That’s when we started throwing jockstraps.”

With a public relations nightmare on his hands—not to mention severe criticism from the overweight community—LSU head coach Les Miles seems to deeply regret his decision to have Fogle speak.

“You know Billy, hindsight is 20/20,” Miles sighed. “I thought my guys were respectful enough to listen to Jared’s bit with respect and courtesy. After the hurricane [Katrina], though, the phrase ‘food addiction’ just sounds like a bunch of pussy bullshit to these players—and I’m inclined to agree. Just don’t print that—we’ve got enough fallout from this already.”

August 5, 2006

Comp Instructor's Perfect English a "Perfect Turn-on" for Student

English professorLeft: Percival's got it going

(New York) NYU freshman Richard Tyler "very much enjoyed" his Comp II class this summer, and English professor Angela Percival was the reason, he said.

"She's definitely got this, well, sexy middle-aged thing going," he admitted. "But what really gets me going is her precise diction and her superior mastery of the English language."

Tyler ecounted one of his favorite memories from the summer class.

"She was dressed in a white blouse and a short black skirt, with black heels on," he said. "I had a great view of her legs, but when she talked about how she found [writer] Stephen King to be 'off-putting' instead of 'put off by' I almost shot my load right in class."

College student in love with professor Left: Tyler is smitten

Tyler said that he is going to take "as many classes as I can" with Percival in hopes of getting a date.

"If not, at least I'll get to hear Dr. Percival say words like 'whilst' and 'nonetheless,'" he sighed. "I have about 12 hours of tapes from her lectures saved up, and I sometimes play them while jacking off to her picture. There's really nothing better, man."

August 4, 2006

Student Recounts Suppressed Flatulence Nightmare

Left: Archer thinking back on repression ordeal

(Ann Arbor, MI) Sophomore engineering student Keith Archer says that he "really doesn't like to offend" others when he feels gastrointestinal gurgling. He was in the University of Michigan's Clements Library last week when he "got the call."

"I thought I would just discreetly go to the men's room and let it rip," he told Codependent Collegian reporters. "But when I got in the john there were like eight other people. No way was I going to drop the bomb in there."

Archer said that he next entered a library elevator to release his "skunk bait."

"Then this chick absolutely dives to get in, and I have to hold it another 30 seconds," he said. "I thought I was going to explode, it was hurting so bad."


Left: Area that became a 'hot zone' after Archer let loose

In desperation, Archer said he made a mad dash for the stairs.

"The coast was clear, and I let that gut grenade fly," he said, visibly shaken. "It reverberated its deadly hydrogen sulfide through the stairwell just as this security guard opened the door. We eyed each other, then he walked away, pretending like the fart never happened. Too weird, man."

August 2, 2006

Back-to-School Sales Met with Resentment, Lethargy

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Ulster: Crippled by malaise

(Washington, D.C.)—August is a curious time in our nation’s capital, with the heat index well over 100 degrees and the climate of conflict in the Middle East no less balmy.

One overlooked reality of this time of year, however, is the surprisingly early manifestation of Back-to-School sales, which delight bargain-savvy parents while upsetting the delicate balance of summer for kids of all ages.

“I don’t start third grade until after Labor Day, and my mom has already bought me a new book bag, four polo shirts, and a battery powered pencil sharpener,” huffed Tyler Ulster, 8, of Alexandria. “It’s like the next three weeks aren’t even summer —they’re the Middle Passage between freedom and oppression.”

Left: Michaels is crusty-faced & inconsolable

Candice Michaels, 3, echoed these lamentations, as she will begin her studies at Bright Horizons Preschool on Independence Avenue later this month.

“Mommy buy new shoes. I want old shoes—I want old shoes,” Michaels croaked, weeping bitterly at the prospect of institutionalized education. Michaels paused before asking rhetorically: “Where daddy sprinkler at school? Where mommy swing?”

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