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August 27, 2006

Math Prof Paranoid about Porno Stash on Hard Drive

Depressed college math professor By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Oxford, MS)—University of Mississippi math professor Dan Upton has grown increasingly obsessed throughout August since he is due to receive a new computer for his campus office before the fall semester begins next week.

The quandary, according to Upton, is that his current machine is chock-full of hardcore pornography, which he has no way of backing up, yet he remains reluctant to delete it despite the prospect of losing his job.

“Man, it took me three years to get this collection of MPEGS, WAV files, and freaky coed pics just to my liking,” Upton groaned in an exclusive phone interview with the Codependent Collegian. “I’m days away from having to turn this goddamn thing back to Computer Services, and there’s no way for me to copy 119 gigabytes of naughtiness. I’m fucked.”

The tenured math professor admitted that he has had plenty of time to perform the file transfers.

"Yeah, they sent me an email in June, but I have been putting it off," he said, acknowledging his propensity toward procrastination. "I just kept hoping the IT techs would be on their usual scheule, which is about nine months behind the announced date."

Motherboard Left: Where Upton has been putting the "hard" in hard drive, if you know what we mean

Upton, the perennial intellectual, presented his unique dilemma to some of his summer students with the hope that they could help him find a solution.

“I decided to include this as an extra credit word problem on my statistics exam last week — boy, was that a waste of time,” Upton lamented while viewing the black-and-white classic Citizen Kunt with the sound turned off. “Those summer kids are dumber than a litter of inbred spaniels. Hold on a sec, Billy — this dude is about to blow a load on Rosebud.”

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