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February 28, 2006

Stoner Inadvertently Watches Three Hours Of Parliamentary Debate

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Orono, ME)—University of Maine sophomore Tim Foster accidentally viewed an entire afternoon of British parliamentary debate yesterday on C-SPAN after smoking “one ferociously potent” bong-load of Maui Wowie, according to local reports.

And while Foster has two lengthy research papers due this week and an impressive mound of unwashed boxer shorts, he felt his time was well spent.

“Dude, it was like I was on another planet,” remarked Foster in an exclusive interview with the Collegian. “They kept saying shit like, ‘I disagree with the right honorable gentleman from Keswick.’ I swear, those French guys are off the hook.”

Foster’s elder roommate, Marcus Sheridan, was not amused by the situation, however.

“This week it’s Parliament, last week it was figure skating in Turin…that fucker is a waste of life,” Sheridan scoffed. “My parents are picking me up for Spring Break on Friday. How am I gonna explain why our room reeks like a Phish concert?”

February 27, 2006

Student "Way Psyched" To Meet Lindsay Lohan

(Toledo, OH) University of Toledo freshman Kyle Banerman is "totally ready" if he should ever meet actress Lindsay Lohan at a party or kegger.

"Dude, I've been practicing my opening sentence for months now, and I would totally be ready for Lindsay if we met," he said. "There is no way I would say something stupid and scare her off."

Banerman believes that he and Lohan are "like, soulmates or something" because of the way that he tinks they will hit it off when they meet.

"It's really amazing how much we have in common," he said, showing off a dorm shrine of the actress. "And when she was in 'Freaky Friday' as Anna Coleman? It was as if she was talking through the screen to me."

The trick to meeting Lohan, said Banerman, will be actually pulling off the feat.

"I've booked a flight to LA over spring break, and I think I've got a pretty good chance of finding her," he said, adding that he hears LA cabbies know all the stars' homes. "I am either going to pretend to be a pizza delivery dude or the cable guy; if I do the cable thing, I am guaranteed to get into her house, but she might be less threatened if I do the pizza deal, 'cause then I'll still be on the porch."

Banerman reiterated that he is not going to disclose his well-planned first words.

"No way, Poncho - it took me months to perfect this line," he said. "Y'all just got to come up with your own rap to make the ladies melt. A dude's got to keep a few cards hidden, am I right?" brrreeeport krugle

Registrar Worker Confesses: "I Get A Kick Out Of Fucking With Students"

(Los Angeles, CA) Longtime UCLA registrar employee Ellen Janikowski, in an interview with Codependent Collegian reporters, confirmed widespread rumors today.

"Yes, nothing gets me going better than being able to fuck with a student," she admitted. "Maybe it's sadistic, or maybe it's a function of burnout, but I go out of my way to jack over each and every student that comes in."

One of Janikowski's favorite tricks is what she calls the "missing form drill."

"Yeah, there's always another form that could be filled out, and it works best when they have to go and get another signature from the professor," she laughed. "The coolest ones are the distance-learning students who drive over here, only to find out that the instructor runs the class from a Montana ranch. Totally fucking priceless!"

Janikowski said that another humorous scheme involves erasing changes after the student leaves the office.

"Yes, Miss Preppy walks out of the Registrar office with that smug little smile of self-satisfaction," she chuckled. "As soon as her anorexic ass is around the corner, I hit DELETE and wipe the screen clean. Then, when she comes back to complain, I just smile and blame the IT geeks."

Her favorite time to screw over students, said Janikowski, is about a week before graduation.

"Yeah, there is nothing like changing some idiot's grade to an "F" in a core course to set the little fucker all a-flutter," she said. "It's best to do it with some senile old prof that just went emeritus - the old coot will probably not even remember the kid." brrreeeport krugle

February 25, 2006

Student Eats Ramen, Salivates Over Olive Garden Menu

(Toledo, OH) Grilled beef medallions drizzled with balsamic glaze, served over fettuccine tossed with spinach and gorgonzola-alfredo sauce.

No, this dish isn’t what’s for dinner. For Kenwood Gardens resident Ben Rossi, this is a mere dream.

“Grilled 18-oz choice T-bone brushed with Italian herbs,” read the senior mechanical engineering student as he ate a bowl of Oriental-seasoned Ramen late Thursday night. He then shook his head.

According to apartment sources, the menu appeared in the residence Sunday night, when roommate Kyle Frost returned from a dinner at the chain Italian restaurant with his parents. The menu went unnoticed for four days, until Rossi sat down at the coffee table to eat his twenty-cent staple.

At first, says Rossi, the menu’s faux-old-world-Italy font first attracted him “out of curiosity.” It was after turning to “Cucina Classica,” or “Classic Cuisine” that Rossi began to imagine his noodles were actually lasagna.

The imaginary substitution quickly turned to nostalgia. When the 23-year old encountered “La Griglia,” or “The Grill,” the grilled pork tenderloin marinated in extra-virgin olive oil and rosemary “totally reminded [him] of mom’s cooking.”

It was at this point that Rossi looked down at his noodles in weak broth and heaved a long sigh.

“It just made me think, like, what the fuck, you know?”

Rossi said that, upon graduating in May, he plans to “go all out” at the Olive Garden.

“Or maybe even Red Lobster,” he said longingly. According to Rossi, the restaurant’s free biscuits are “chronic.” brrreeeport krugle

February 24, 2006

Psychologist: Fake Tow-Truck Call "A Cry For Help"

(Toledo, OH) For Officer Mark Roberts, the call seemed legitimate.

“Unit 12, see the male in Lot 13 with the white Accura. Student’s car needs to be jumped.”

Heading immediately to the stranded motorist, nothing looked out of the ordinary to the veteran UT officer. White car. Hood up. Befuddled young man with a Rockets shirts.

Things turned strange in a hurry.

“After 3 or 4 unsuccessful tries, I noticed the positive cable had been disconnected from the solenoid,” Roberts said. “What should have been a simple jumpstart became ugly.”

The student, Matthew Shiraz, claimed that the cable must have been tampered with by two “gangsta-looking dudes” who ran from the car just before he got there.

“I’m not going to let this tragedy stand in my way of getting to my job at Tim Horton’s,” Shiraz was quoted. “In spite of everything, I still feel that UT’s parking lots are well-maintained.”

In actuality, though, Shiraz made the entire story up.

Now, the 5th-year accounting major faces a hefty roadside service charge plus reimbursement to the UT Police Department for its expenses, estimated by a spokesperson at “ten or twenty dollars.”

Left: UT prof Dr. Timothy Curry

Such false roadside claims are a “cry for help,” said UT Professor of psychology Dr. Timothy Curry.

“Usually the person is going through some sort of trauma, and this is a way that person can reach out,” he said. “I remember one couple – let’s call them ‘Brad’ and ‘Janet’ – who were nearly killed because of ‘Brad’s’ broken-down-car gag.”

Curry said that these disturbed individuals often go through an intricate choreographic process in planning their false reports.

Officer Roberts agreed.

“I just put the jump to the left,” he said, motioning to the portable unit. “And then I stepped to the right. The next thing I knew, he put his hand on lip, and the creeps were out of sight.”

But it was the Celtic cross that really made the crime plain, said Roberts.

“He had this religious medallion that fell off when he monkeyed with the wiring,” he said. “I knew it was his, because it matched the tattoo on his arm.”

Worst of all, as a part-time UT mascot, Shiraz may lose steady employment.

“I can’t picture the horror of this Rocky showing up at a UT game,” said football coach Tom Amstutz. brrreeeport krugle

February 23, 2006

College Classes "Really Hard," Student Feels Betrayed

(East Lansing, MI) Freshman engineering student Marshall Scheiber sits dejectedly at the back of a classroom in the Chemistry building.

"I can't believe how hard this shit is," he muttered, staring at his shoes. "Nobody ever told me I would have to read textbooks and do all this work."

Scheiber partly blames the MSU orientation guides for the problem.

"Yeah, they walked us around, showed us the football stadium, rec center, and student union," he said. "But they never said anything about how hard these midterms are. Fuckers."

Back in high school, Scheiber said, a few teachers warned him about the differences between secondary and college settings.

"They said all of that in junior high, too, so I figured they were just trying to scare us," he said. "They should have been more clear that they weren't bullshitting around."

Scheiber believes college professors are "totally unsympathetic" to the plight of freshmen like him.

"We have it pretty tough - books to read, lectures to go to, and all we really want is to have a measly five minutes a day for socializing," he said. "They act like we have nothing else to do but their stupid assignments. You should have seen this prof freak out when I got a cell phone call the other day - she acted like I fucking stabbed her with a knife!"."brrreeeport krugle

February 22, 2006

Student Definitely Breaking Up With Girlfriend Next Weekend

(Bowling Green, OH) Junior ed major Nick Sullivan says he is "committed to carrying out" his vow to end his three-year relationship with his girlfriend.

"Next weekend. Definitely this time," said Sullivan. "By this time next week -finito."

Sullivan, who admits that he has made the same threat "a couple of dozen times," said that he is serious in his latest declaration.

"I got sidetracked last weekend when she came up because she went down on me 10 minutes after she drove up to see me," he reminisced. "I just didn't think it was right to dump her after that."

Next weekend will be a different story, added Sullivan.

"I'm going to start a fight with her right off, and that way she won't be so horned up," he said. "And I am going to tell her goobye Friday night, instead of trying to wait until Sunday. I always feel guilty if she has to make that long trip back to Cincinnati after breaking up with her."brrreeeport krugle

February 19, 2006

Roommate: "Painting Of Napoleon Totally Knows We Are Stoned!"

(Columbus, OH) OSU sophomores Josh Crittenden and Brad Sterling just finished off "some über bong hits" in the basement of the Rec Center when they noticed a print of Jacques-Louis David's The Emperor Napoleon in His Study at the Tuileries (1812).

"Dude, Napoleon is staring right at us!" exclaimed Crittenden. "Check it out - his fucking eyes follow us while we're walking."

Sterling became, according to Crittenden, "majorly tweaked" at the idea that the painting was staring at the two students.

"He's all like 'Do you think it's some kind of spy cam, with, like, lenses in the eyes of Napoleon or something going back to campus security?'" Crittenden laughed. "And I'm all like 'Yeah, dude, Napoleon totally knows we are stoned.'"

Crittenden said his roommate's paranoia continued through the evening.

"The fucker was looking over his shoulder all night," he said. "Of course I was throwing little wads of paper and shit at Brad to make him jump, because you can't pass up a chance to screw with someone who is tweaking."
brrreeeport krugle

February 17, 2006

Colorado University Gets Ready For Cheney Speech

(Boulder, CO) Security personnel at Colorado University are into high gear for a scheduled speech by Vice President Dick Cheney.

"We are outfitting everyone who will be within 200 yards of Vice President Cheney with orange hunting vests," said CU Public Safety director Art Hannaford. "That didn't relly help Harry Whittington, but we figure a sea of orange should be easier for the Vice President to see."

Hannford said that all weapons brought to the auditorium will be checked to make sure they are unloaded.

"Cheny might be able to sneak in a few shells, but he's not going to come in locked and loaded," he said, strapping a small caliber pistol to his right leg. " We think we will be able to Tazer him if he tries something wacky."

Alcohol will be banned within a 4 - square mile radius of the school.

"He could still sneak in a hip flask or something, but we figure he will not have enough time to get good and wasted," said Hannford as he prepared some logistical maps. "We are worried, though, that Kappa Kappa Delpha might try to party with him before the speech. If they get to him, we are screwed."

February 15, 2006

Gonzaga Fans Debate New Cheers

(Spokane, WA) "Brokeback Mountain! Brokeback Mountain!"

The reference to the recent movie about homosexual cowboys was chanted by some Gonzaga fans during a contest last week against Saint Mary's University, and was intended to suggest an opposing player is gay.

Faculty advisers for the Kennel Club booster group urged students to avoid "inappropriate chants" during games, and student groups met this week to decide on new crowd chants.

"My first thought is that we need to more directly challenge the masculinity of opposing teams, and I vote for: 'Get the fuck off the court, you gaywads!'" said student council president Jacob Kunstellar. "Nothing brings a dude down faster than being called a gaywad."

Other groups advocated less direct approaches.

"I think we should say 'Fight, Fight the Sodomites!'" suggested Catholic Student rep Paul Hallen. "Most of the opposing players and refs probably don't even know what a Sodomite is."

Members of the gay and lesbian group Purple Triangle suggested to the group that, perhaps, fans should find a subject other than sexual orientation to address. After a long pause, a member of the athletic boosters had a new idea.

"What about "Annhilate the Queerbait!" he proffered.

February 14, 2006

Student Recounts Pencil Sharpener Horror

(Toledo, OH) UT engineering student Marla Waiblinger sat down for her exam in Fluid Mechanics, thinking that she was well prepared. She had studied, attended all classes, and remembered to bring a pair of #2 pencils.

Unfortunately for Waiblinger, hers were unsharpened, and the lecture hall did not have a sharpener.

“I though to myself: Oh...my...God!” recounted Waiblinger. “I had 4 minutes until the exam began, and I was without a working pencil!”

Waiblinger asked her classmates for a pencil to borrow, but “they all just looked at me with dull-eyed stares,” she said.

Classmate John Henderson recalled the look of horror on Waiblinger’s face.

“That know-it-all geek was about to piss her pants,” he said. “No one wanted to help her, because she spent the entire semester sucking up to the professor. Plus, with her out of the picture, the curve would probably drop 5 points. Fuck it!”

Waiblinger next turned to the professor, who had no pencils.

She began to gnaw on some of the unsharpened pencils, but was getting nowhere with her efforts. Desperate, she began to roam from room to room in Snyder Memorial, unsuccessful in her attempts to locate the necessary implement.

“My heart started racing; all I could think about was how this was going to totally wreck my 4.0 GPA,” she recalled. “Plus, I don’t know how I would ever be able to face my parents if I failed this exam.”

Luckily for Waiblinger, she spotted a couple of stubby Putt-Putt pencils on the ground.

“I raced back to class with 47 minutes to spare,” she said. “I only got a 97 on the exam, but it was better than failing, that’s for sure.”

Henderson said the entire class groaned when Waiblinger returned.

“Just when we thought that God had given us a gift, He took it away,” he said. “What a cruel, cruel world.”

February 13, 2006

Dickens Cider: Student Unveils New Juice Startup

(Austin, TX) University of Texas senior Harry Wood came up with a beverage idea last year, and his new fruit drink just might make him a millionaire.

"We have decided on the name 'Dickens Cider,' and it is a wonderful experience," said Wood. "Our first marketing slogan is: 'You've Just Got To Get Your Dickens Cider.'"

Wood, who is majoring in psychology, said that the name seemed to be a natural.

"I was sitting with this chick in the student union when the thought came to me," he said. "The only thing in the world that mattered at that moment was my Dickens Cider."

Wood believes that the new beverage will be a hit.

"I imagine that every undergraduate on the Austin campus will be thinking about nothing but getting Dickens Cider by the weekend," he said. "We hope to be getting our Dickens Cider in the grocery stores real soon."

Wood's girlfriend, Sharon Peters, said that she is excited about the new opportunities for Wood.

"All Harry talks about is his Dickens Cider," she said. "Every boy I know is excited about getting his Dickens Cider."

February 12, 2006

Professor Secretly Despises Entire Class

(Columbus, OH) Some days are so bad that economics professor Scott Calderone wants to smack each and every one of his students upside the head.

"I swear to God - this class is nothing but imbeciles and drooling feebs," he said of his Microeconomics course. "There is now way that an entire class could be this stupid - this has got to be a joke by the registrar!"

Calderone recounted an exchange with a sophomore after class.

"This blithering moron came up to me and said: 'Ummm...like...are we supposed to be taking notes in here?'" he said. "I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was all I could do to keep from strangling the simp."

Calderone, who admits to having some "anger management issues," insists that the quality of students has steadily declined over the years.

"Even simple terms like "supply" and "demand" are met with either blank stares or questions such as : 'Could you, like, repeat what you just said?'" said Calderone, shaking his head. "I think that the lead paint problem was much more severe than the government was letting on."

Calderone said that he has had to modify both his teaching styles and his testing.

"It's not like I agree with dumbing down the material," he said. "It's just that there is no way I ever want to see any of these fuckers again, so I am making sure that each and every one of them gets at least a C minus."

February 11, 2006

Student Develops New Test Taking Matrix

(East Lansing, MI) Building on the old adage "just guess C" on tests in which the student is clueless, Penn State sophomore Mickey Dreheim has developed a more sophistictaed matrix that he believes "achieves near-100% success."

"Every professor has a methodology to the manner in which they assign letters on multiple choice exams," he said, poring over a set of spreadsheets. "My system determines early on what the pattern is, and quickly detects if the instructor deviates from the set pattern."

Dreheim says that his system only applies to tests designed by humans.

"ACT, SAT, and GRE are machine - based, and you would need a CRAY 2000 to analyze those patterns," he said. "What I am talking about is your average university liberal arts prof. These tests are easy to decipher."

Dreheim said students must first determine if the professor has a predilection to a "horizontal" or "diagonal" answers.

"Answer the ones you do know, and look to see how they change direction," he said. "You should be able to tell within 10 questions what type of answer-generator they are. From that point, use the formula A=W+X+Y+Z/4 +1, where W-Z are the number of previous A,B,C,and D answers."

Dreheim's roommate was less than enthusiatic about "The Matrix."

"Dickhead here has been spouting off about this for 6 years worth of undergrad work, and he carries a 2.1 GPA," said Todd Jorgenson. "If this system was so good, why is he still 24 credits away from graduating?"

February 9, 2006

Students Finds Purchased Notes "Better Than Going To Class"

Left: Multi-tasking student on the links

(Gainesville, FL) Junior business major Mark Mockeridge says that he spends less than "10%" of his scheduled time in class, thanks to purchasing the notes of "this geeky chick" who shares most of his classes.

"I pay her $20 a class, and the quality of her notes is astounding," he said. "The chick is like a human tape recorder."

The extra free time, said Mockeridge, has given him time to work on other pursuits.

"Golf is a given," he said, adding that he has a +2 handicap. "But I have had a lot more time to hang out at the pub and to meet some hot chicks."

The note-taker, Marcy Ophendahl, was put off at first by the payments, but is now saving them for a wedding dress.

"Mark and I have something really special, and I will wait for him to get past his temporary obsession with bar sluts," she said, holding a photo of Mockeridge close to her chest. "We belong together, and nothing will keep us apart, especially that skank whore Mellissa Gibson, who might not return home from a party she said she is going to tonight."

February 7, 2006

Campus Love: Your Guide To Affairs Of The Heart

By: Codependent Collegian Advice Columnist, J. Randall Bellingham

Hello again, love monkeys! It is I, J. Randall Bellingham, here to assuage your broken hearts and frustrated libidos.

Let's get right to the mailbag, shall we?

Dear Randall:

I don't quite know how to say this, but my roommate crawled into bed with me and he gave me a reacharound. We had both been drinking, and it sort of just happened. The strange part - I really liked it.

I don't know what to tell my girlfriend, because I am sure she will find out - Paul (that's his name) has been making wisecracks, and even though she's kinda stupid, she's not THAT stupid.

Craig in Minneapolis

Dear Craig:

Face it - YOU'RE GAY! Now that that is out of the way, just come out of the closet and tell her you dig the hairy ass of a muscled man more than you like her. Before you know it, you'll be on your way to homo heaven, and winding up on Springer or something. She'll get over it, and find someone more worthwhile than your confused, pathetic self. Even better - give her my number, dude.

Dear Randall:

It's been three years since I went on a date, and I'm beginning to get a complex about myself. I'm 23, smart, decent-looking, and my girlfriends say I am going to meet Mr. Right any day now.

What advice can you give a girl who can't seem to get asked out?

Sharon in Laguna Beach

Dear Sharon:

Some part of this story is seriously fucked up. Just the fact that you live in Laguna Beach should guarantee you at least one date a week, even if you are a cross-eyed, pock-marked, deodorant-avoiding heifer. Write me back when you can get honest, chickie.

February 5, 2006

Prof "Completely Tanking It" On Super Bowl Weekend

(State College, PA) Penn State political science professor Neil Killebrew said that the appearance of his favorite football team - the Pittsburgh Steelers - in Super Bowl XL has caused him to rethink this week's pedagogical plans.

"I planned to grade papers, prep for my lectures, and finish an article for an academic journal this weekend," said Killebrew. "But I woke up Saturday morning and said to myself: 'Fuck it.' I then went to the liquor store and bought three fifths of tequila."

Killebrew said that he has manitained a "raging buzz" for the past 28 hours.

"Not quite wasted, but definitely not sober," was how the tenured professor described his consciousness. "I have another fifth to get me through the game, and then I am going to collapse. My first class is not until noon on Monday, so I should be able to crawl in and get through."

The professor, who said he will "totally phone in" his lectures Monday, did not see how his students could feel shortchanged.

"Face it - half these SOBs are asleep within two minutes of class starting anyways," he said, downing a double shot of Cuervo. "For all they care I could just read county-by-county electoral results of Proposition 9 in the 2000 statewide election. As long as I pass them all with a C- or better, everybody's happy."

February 3, 2006

Student Believes Trip To Bathroom Was "Shangri-La Of Shite"

Left: Scene of the great moment in fecal history

(Buena Vista, VA) Sophomore engineering student Brian Phillips of Southern Virginia University said that his morning "started like any other," but wound up being one of those days that will "change your life."

"I felt a little gut grumbling, and I headed off to the john to take a dump," Phillips recalled. "What I experienced can only be described as the 'Shangri-la of shite,' one of those moments in time when everything is perfect."

Phillips said that he had been "saving it up for like, two days" before his trip to a dorm restroom.

"I felt at least 20 pounds lighter when it was over," he said. "There is really nothing to compare with the wondrous sense of intestinal void that follows a glorious Brobdingnagian blast like that."

Other members of the SVU dorm were less than eager to share Phillips's evacuatory excitement.

"Jesus-freaking-God-Almighty-help-me!" croaked Jake Borden, who was the next to use the restroom. "What in the name of all that is holy happened in there?"

February 2, 2006

Fraternity Honors Slain Brother With Airbrushed T-Shirt Sale

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Birmingham, AL)—The brothers of Phi Alpha Chi rang in 2006 with some harrowing news when they learned that their beloved friend Willie Lee Atkins had died in a freak golfing accident.

However, a month after Atkins’ passing, this University of Alabama fraternity has found the perfect way to keep his memory alive: airbrushed T-shirts.

“Willie Lee was the best guy on campus, real honest and friendly,” remarked his roommate Dale Owens. “After he got run over by that golf cart, we had to keep his spirit with us.”

According to Owens, the Chi brothers had over 5,000 shirts made, and are currently selling them at sporting events and other campus activities.

The fraternity vowed to use the profits for a large commemorative celebration, and have scheduled the First Annual Willie Lee Atkins Beer Pong Tournament for April 1st.

“Willie Lee was a man of integrity, and his absence has rocked this close-knit Southern community,” said Physics Professor John Barthe. “By the way, did they invite you reporters to the pong tourney in April? That shit is gonna be off the hook.”

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