.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
February 24, 2006

Psychologist: Fake Tow-Truck Call "A Cry For Help"

(Toledo, OH) For Officer Mark Roberts, the call seemed legitimate.

“Unit 12, see the male in Lot 13 with the white Accura. Student’s car needs to be jumped.”

Heading immediately to the stranded motorist, nothing looked out of the ordinary to the veteran UT officer. White car. Hood up. Befuddled young man with a Rockets shirts.

Things turned strange in a hurry.

“After 3 or 4 unsuccessful tries, I noticed the positive cable had been disconnected from the solenoid,” Roberts said. “What should have been a simple jumpstart became ugly.”

The student, Matthew Shiraz, claimed that the cable must have been tampered with by two “gangsta-looking dudes” who ran from the car just before he got there.

“I’m not going to let this tragedy stand in my way of getting to my job at Tim Horton’s,” Shiraz was quoted. “In spite of everything, I still feel that UT’s parking lots are well-maintained.”

In actuality, though, Shiraz made the entire story up.

Now, the 5th-year accounting major faces a hefty roadside service charge plus reimbursement to the UT Police Department for its expenses, estimated by a spokesperson at “ten or twenty dollars.”

Left: UT prof Dr. Timothy Curry

Such false roadside claims are a “cry for help,” said UT Professor of psychology Dr. Timothy Curry.

“Usually the person is going through some sort of trauma, and this is a way that person can reach out,” he said. “I remember one couple – let’s call them ‘Brad’ and ‘Janet’ – who were nearly killed because of ‘Brad’s’ broken-down-car gag.”

Curry said that these disturbed individuals often go through an intricate choreographic process in planning their false reports.

Officer Roberts agreed.

“I just put the jump to the left,” he said, motioning to the portable unit. “And then I stepped to the right. The next thing I knew, he put his hand on lip, and the creeps were out of sight.”

But it was the Celtic cross that really made the crime plain, said Roberts.

“He had this religious medallion that fell off when he monkeyed with the wiring,” he said. “I knew it was his, because it matched the tattoo on his arm.”

Worst of all, as a part-time UT mascot, Shiraz may lose steady employment.

“I can’t picture the horror of this Rocky showing up at a UT game,” said football coach Tom Amstutz. brrreeeport krugle

I get it, Rocky Horror. Too subtle, brother!
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?