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December 30, 2005

OSU Student Bluffs Way Into Job At Borders

(Columbus, OH) Jeff Willett always wanted to work at Borders Bookstore. He placed five applications, but the bookseller never called him.

Willett swiped a Borders nametag from the checkout counter a few months ago, and thus began a saga that culminated last week in his being named Associate of the Month.

"After I got home with the nametag, I got my Dymo Labelmaker out and printed a 'Jeff' label," he said. "Then I just started hanging out in the store."

Willett said that he started helping people find books and reshelving loose items.

"Pretty soon employees started asking me to do shit like clean the restrooms," he laughed. "Before you know it, a manager came up to me one week and said he didn't recognize my name."

Quick thinking on Willett's part saved the day.

"I told him: 'You know, I still haven't gotten a check,' and the guy immediately assumed that Ken, a fired manager, had fucked up again," he said. "The manager started apologizing, and two weeks later there was a check with 140 hours on it. Halle-freaking-lujah!"

Willett credits the gargantuan size of the store for his good fortune.

"There's like 100 employees in this joint," he said. "Nobody has a clue as to what the fuck is going on at any one moment."

PETA Protests UT "Franken-Furter"

(Toledo, OH) Hybrid experiments by UT biology researchers with giant Dachshunds have been called into question by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

PETA spokesperson Lisa Lange called the creatures - dubbed by UT officials as "Franken-Furters" - an "abomination in the eyes of all that is holy."

Lange said the group plans to maintain nightly vigils until the experimentation is finished.

"Look, even if they are kinda cute, it is simply unethical to breed these creatures," she said. "There is no way those stubby little legs can support 3 tons of dog."

UT professor Kevin Juhanek, leading the experiments, took issue with Lange's comments.

"We were sitting around one day smoking some weed when somebody said: 'What about a 20-foot tall Dachshund?'" said Juhanek. "Next thing we know, there's eight of these freaky monsters crashing around Bowman-Oddy."

Juhanek said that plans are still being finalized for the future of the dogs.

"We never thought this would actually work," he said. "Schmitt tried to take one home, but the thing busted out of the semi and tore up a golf course. We'll probably end up shooting the goddamn things."

December 29, 2005

Confused Gun Activists Disrupt Third Amendment Rally On Campus

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—A small band of pro-firearm students, clad in fatigues and paramilitary equipment, infiltrated a recent rally on the UT campus advocating the 3rd amendment last Tuesday, sparking widespread confusion and creating a general state of constitutional bewilderment.

“At first we thought those guys showed up as a joke,” Maria Fortinelli remarked, who is Vice President of the 3rd Amendment Advocacy League, Ohio chapter. “It became painfully clear after a few minutes though—they really though we were here to bash gun control. I was totally freaked. I mean, when a 19 year-old kid is missing that many teeth, it’s just creepy.”

The 3rd Amendment is arguably the most overlooked among the Bill of Rights, and protects American citizens from having to quarter and feed troops in their homes during times of peace. To date, there has only been one Supreme Court case that tested the interpretation of the amendment, and concerned the housing of national guardsmen during a 1982 police strike in rural New York.

Widespread ignorance of the 3rd Amendment was the primary reason last week’s rally dissolved into aggressive finger-pointing, and became what one observer called “the most ironic breakdown of campus activism I’ve ever fucking seen.”

One of the firearm advocates, speaking only under the assurance of anonymity, described the scene.

“Look—if someone had just had a copy of the goddamn Constitution, none of this would’ve happened," he said. "How were we supposed to know the rally was about the right NOT to feed militiamen soup and let ‘em sleep on your couch?"

The pro-firearm advocate offered further reflections.

"Come to think of it, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard," he said. "Those who defend this great country deserve to share the homes and hearths of their fellow Americans. That’s what gun rights, at their very core, are all about — togetherness.”

December 28, 2005

Student Angry About Permit Policy

Left: Rajshahi and rickshaw

(Toledo, OH) Sophomore business major Marshall Hollingbrooke is peeved that UT officials are making him obtain a parking permit for his rickshaw.

"I spent 8 grand bringing the rickshaw and my driver Rajshahi from overseas," he said. "Now they want me to not only buy a parking permit, but they also won't allow Rajshahi to drive me up to campus buildings."

Hollingbrooke said that he is already facing a heavy financial burden.

"Rajshahi eats like there is no end to the food," he said. "Now he is starting to demand shit like a Play Station and Fubu clothes. I definitely don't need UT trying to squeeze me, too."

Left: Hollingbrooke weighs his options

Originally Holligbrooke hoped to save money on gas and insurance, but his financial austerity plans have gone awry.

"Yeah, Mr. Pussyfoot says he wants boots for the winter," he said. "He is also demanding days off, and thinks that he's some kind of labor law expert now. Last week he was trying to hit me up for overtime."

Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, Rajshai had few kind words for Hollingbrooke.

"Mr. Rick is a very greedy man who will one day pay for his selfishness," he said. "Besides, he leaves a very disgusting ring around the edge of the bathtub. I must disinfect the shower before I can even step into it."

December 27, 2005

Opinion: If Derrick Must Suffer, Then So Shall You

Guest editorial by Derrick Lingenschnauffer

If Derrick must endure the complete incompetence of his local postman, who insists on putting the neighbor's mail in Derick's postbox, then you must be prepared to handle the look of contempt Derrick gives you when you see him in the Starbucks.

If Derrick must accept that his girlfriend is "way too tired to go out on Thursday," then you must deal with the fact that Derrick has taken two parking spaces and blocked you in at the Circuit City.

If Derrick must listen to the shouts of children as they invade his yard, when all Derrick wants to do is study in peace, then you must be patient with Derrick as he dials your number at three o'clock in the morning and hangs up after a single ring.

If Derrick is not granted an extension by Professor Hodgekiss, then you will be subject to Derrick's flatulence, which he could abate by simply limiting his intake of raw vegetables.

If Derrick has the misfortune of tripping over a crack in the pavement, then you will have to select another bathroom stall, for Derrick's urine will have been sprayed willy-nilly about the one you've opened, and quite possibly beneath the partition, also contaminating the one to your left.

Such is the order of things: if Derrick must suffer, then so shall you.

December 26, 2005

Music Prof Remembers Point To Lecture At End Of Class

by Billy Pilgrim, Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Winston Tuttle, Professor Emeritus of Music and Performance Theory at the University of Toledo, remembered the point to his lecture on woodwind improvisation right before dismissing his Jazz Appreciation class last Tuesday. Tuttle, 78, officially retired in 1996, but teaches one course per semester at UT in order to draw his annual salary of $84,793.

The professor has struggled in recent years to recall even simple details about jazz greats like Art Blakey and Herbie Hancock, so he has devised a “rant beyond meaning” style of pedagogical instruction that frees him of minor considerations such as organization or coherence in his lectures.

“I find most of my students are highly engaged and willing to embrace the greatest American art form of the 20th century: jazz,” Tuttle remarked to a literary colleague over a fondue lunch. “They are acutely aware of the racial, social, and theoretical implications jazz invoked during the late 1950s, and they never fail to ask insightful questions.”

“Man, I think everybody sleeps through that fucking class,” said sophomore Robert Gibbons, 19, while smoking outside the Student Union. “I don’t know how old that fucker is, but I swear to God, he’s given the same lecture on Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue, like, four times since the semester started. I’ve had closed-eye visions on acid make more sense than that guy—I’d drop his class if it wouldn’t screw up my financial aid.”

December 24, 2005

Happy Holidays From Subcomandante Bob - You Greedy Bastards!

(Toledo, OH) If Bob were not passed out right now, he would be trying to cadge a couple of bucks from you.

Since he is, indeed, drunk beyond comprehension, we will offer you holiday greetings.

May your holiday season not involve DUIs, groping your hot cousin in the garage, or a visit by the Department of Homeland Security.

Unless you actually enjoy body cavity searches. In that case, you are a really sick person, and you should be writing for this e-zine.

December 22, 2005

Student Finds “Small Fortune” In Newly-Acquired Car

(State College, PA) Penn State junior Jerry Haberford’s purchase of a 1981 VW Rabbit paid off with unexpected dividends last weekend. The education major said that he discovered a “small fortune” hidden away in the vehicle.

“I yanked out the back seat to run some speaker wire and I found almost three bucks in change,” he said, holding the recovered cache of cash in his hands. “It was mostly pennies and nickels, but it all spends the same way, right?”

Haberford next made a fortuitous discovery in the vehicle’s trunk.

“I lifted up the board over the spare tire and found this vintage 1970s silk shirt,” he said, adding that had “almost no” stains on it. “This would have cost me at least $5 at the Salvation Army.”

The high point of Haberford’s treasure hunt was under the passenger seat.

“There were four eight-track tapes under there, just waiting to be played,” he said, noting that he still needs to find an eight-track player. “I just can't wait for the aural epiphany that awaits in hearing Frampton’s “Do You Feel Like We Do” just like they did in the 1970s, especially in the middle of the “wah-wah” part when it interrupts to jump to the next track.”

December 21, 2005

Student Decries Lack Of Willing 3-Some Partners

(Toledo, OH) Encouraged by the DVD "Ohio Coeds Gone Wild," freshman Kyle Banerman had high hopes as he unloaded the last of his belongings from his mom's minivan.

"I thought to myself 'PartyTown, here I come,'" he said. "The reality is that I have yet to even score a phone number. How depressing."

Banerman said that he feels deceived by university officials and the producers of the "Gone Wild" film series.

"Yeah, on Rocket Launch they told us that the students here were a real 'fun bunch.' Hey - I can read between the lines as much as anyone, and I got what the dude was saying," he said. "On the video there were at least a dozen bitches that said they was from Toledo, and that they will take on anyone. Well, here I am - where are da bitches?"

The freshman said that the closest he has come to connecting on a 3-some was when his roommate recommended a downtown club - Hooterville Station.

"This dude came up and started talking about 3-ways in the parking lot, and I'm all 'Let's do it!'" he said. "I go out back and there's like 15 gay dudes in this mobile home. I was like 'no way, don't swing that way.'"

Banerman said that he must have had a little too much to drink that night.

"I woke up the next morning at some weightlifter's place," he said. "The dude told me he carried me home after I passed out. Boy, it sure was nice to wake up on satin sheets instead of face-down in a gravel parking lot."

December 20, 2005

Subcomandante Bob Signs Up For Spring Term

(Toledo, OH) The editor of the e-zines National Nitwit, Toledo Tales, and the Codependent Collegian announced today that he is returning to school to finish his MA.

"I look forward to resuming my academic work," he said, setting aside enrollment paperwork. "My failure to finish my Master's in Uzbek Studies has been gnawing at me for over a decade."

The Subcomandante, whose last name is an "unpronounceable sound," said that he believes his Uzbek work will pay off in the near future.

"When the government of Islom Karimov collapses, I will be in the perfect place for diplomatic work," he said, adding that he knows about "50 words" of Uzbek. "Bush will be forced to call on me to keep him apprised of what is happening in Tashkent."

Subcomandante Bob said that his MA will mesh well with his undergraduate work.

"I have a BA in Philosophy with a minor in Illegal Pharmaceuticals," he said. "Just kidding about what I minored in. Sort of."

December 19, 2005

Illinois Weighs Replacements For Chief Illinewek

By Banfu T. Burnside, Codependent Collegian contributing editor

(Chicago, IL) Illinois University is struggling to replace its athletic mascot in the wake of an NCAA ruling that allowed the school to keep its nickname, the Fighting Illini, but deemed the mascot, Chief Illiniwek "racially insensitive."

In the past week, several alternative mascots have been proposed, which will be voted upon by the student body at the close of the fall term. Among the early favorites are "Scalpin' Andy," a young brave clad in a bearskin, who will hurl rubber tomahawks at the opposing bench, and "Robo-Squaw," an android Native American that launches T-shirts from a papoose strapped to her back.

Director of Athletics, Marvin Henderson, spoke out in favor of the switch.

"Chief Illiniwek was dated," he said. "That endzone dance he did was goofy and demeaning to Native American people."

When asked his preference for the new mascot, Henderson replied with certainty.

"Oh, Robo-Squaw for sure," he said. "Not only can we market that whole T-shirt launcher thing, but we'll also make up for out past insensitivities by promoting a female mascot, and that's never been done before in Division 1-A ball."

Regardless of the decision made by students, Henderson expects great fanfare for the announcement.

"It'll be a heap-big party when we roll it out," he said. "Mark my words, heap-big!"

December 18, 2005

Freshman To Roommate: "You Didn't Just Catch Me Masturbating"

Guest editorial by Justin McKenzie, UT class of ‘09

Mitch, you’re obviously uncomfortable right now, so let me set the record straight: you totally didn’t just walk in on me masturbating.

I know what you’re thinking. You sauntered down the hall, an ethics lecture still buzzing around your brain, wondering if the cafeteria was serving chicken cacciatore for dinner tonight, and opened the door to our dorm room to find my pants around my ankles.

Honestly, though, there is a completely reasonable explanation for all this. You see, I have a serious medical condition. Dr. Spencer—that’s my family doctor back home in Sylvania—he prescribed this salve for my penis around the time I was 13, and I have to apply it vigorously twice daily. But it’s nothing to be embarrassed about—I hear a lot of men have problems in that area. In fact, I bet some of the guys down the hall use the same topical cream. Or Jergen’s hand lotion. It’s practically the same stuff.

Which leads me to this wad of tissues. I must say, I’ve been Mr. Sniffles with this early autumn weather we’ve had lately, so my nose has been running like a gazelle. Sometimes I’m about to sneeze so hard, I don’t have time to get them out of the box, so I like to keep them right here on my desk for easy access. I’m all about hygiene. You wouldn’t want me to sneeze all over your textbooks, would you? That would just be disgusting.

There’s no need to tell any of my friends about this. Most of them already know, and I wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable. I mean, the thought of me, the Justinator, having a permanent physical handicap…it would change the way people treat me. I don’t need any sympathy or special treatment. All I need to do is slather my penis in this cool, soothing ointment twice a day, and rub it softly as I listen to a Barry White album. His soulful crooning always eases my nerves.

So the next time you come back from class and find my cock harder than a steel rail, know this: I’m not masturbating—I’m taking my medicine.

December 17, 2005

Jeans Subject of Huge Fight in Dorm

UT junior Marissa Gottschalk, recounting the clash with Brannigan

(Toledo, OH) International House roommates Marissa Gottschalk and Jenny Brannigan got into a “majorly huge fight” over the topic of coolest jeans, according to observers.

The debate centered on the new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Gottschalk argued that the Madison Superlight Flares “totally rule,” prompting Brannigan to extol the virtues of the Jane Destroyed Surplus Denims.

“The Flares are like, so last year,” said Brannigan, who added that Gottschalk was a “total skank who wouldn’t know anything about clothes, since she spends so much of her time taking them off.”

Gottschalk, not one to ignore a challenge, responded in kind.

“Jenny, the whore, is no one to talk,” she said. “Besides, she does nothing but, like, steal everyone else’s stuff, anyways.”

The roommates’ epic battle ended amicable, though, as the two “totally made up and went over to Starbucks and shared a skim latte,” according to witnesses.

December 16, 2005

Geek Finds Holiday Break "Depressing"

(Columbus, OH) Information systems major Brad Ponchartrain stepped out into a cold December breeze and watched the last of his fellow dorm neighbors drive home for the holidays.

"I was hoping at least a few of them would stick around," he said, kicking a small clump of rock salt. "I thought we could all hang out and play Final Fantasy 4 until the spring term started."

The OSU sophomore is among thousands of college students who will not be going home for Christmas. Ponchartrain said that he "understands," but wishes a few people would stay behind and keep him company.

"We could design web templates or something," he said. "I mean, it's not like going to Mardi Gras, but there are worse ways to spend vacation."

Ponchartrain's parents hoped that he "had a great vacation," but could not fit Brad into their vacation plans.

"Well, we...um...just can't afford the ticket this year," said Cheryl Ponchartrain, hiding a Maui brochure under her coat. "And Bradley always, well, mopes around all the time. Besides, I am sure that he'll be happier up there; at least his Internet connection stays on between semesters."

December 15, 2005

UT Bookstore Announces New Buyback Plan

(Toledo, OH) After years of complaints from students, the UT Bookstore unveiled today its “Guaranteed Buck” buyback plan.

Barnes & Noble spokesperson Matt Shackleford said that every book returned at the end of the semester will qualify for a refund of no less than one crisp greenback.

“Students can be assured that they will be able to afford the bus trip back to the crummy little hovel that they call home,” said Shackleford. “Plus, chances are that they might be able to snag a can of Vienna sausages at the Stop-n-Rob with their used book cash.”

Shackleford said that the bookstore will enjoy another added benefit from the plan.

“Our cashiers will not have to waste so much time handing back nickels and dimes,” he said. “Do you know how long it takes to count all that shit out?”

The Codependent Collegian interviewed several students as they left the Bookstore. Junior Carl Stuart seemed pleased with his experience.

“Fuck yeah, me and Tommy raided a bunch of rooms in Greek Village during this massive party,” he said, waving a fist full of dollars. “We got all kinds of books!”

Senior Tim McKinnon said that he was going to invest his rebate - $4 – in a nice lunch.

“I haven’t eaten in a week,” said the emaciated McKinnon. “This may be the last time I chow until they cut my loan check next month, so I better make it count.” He picked out a pizza crust from the trash can as he walked away.

December 14, 2005

Campus Love: Your Guide To Affairs Of The Heart

By: Codependent Collegian Advice Columnist, J. Randall Bellingham

Hello to all the lovely ladies, as well as all the young men who wish to achieve the level of success that I have attained in the realm of romance.

This is the first column of relationship advice that I am composing for the Codependent Collegian, and let me say that it is my privilege to dispense to you, the readers, the many love lessons that I have learned in decades of bringing felicity to the women of the world.

This week we will be answering readers’ questions on the language of romance. Many of you right now are saying: “Randall, teach me how to speak to my lovers in such a way that will turn them to butter.”

Get ready to make them melt, my children.

Dear Randall:
I have been using artificial means to convince the love of my life to be with me. Specifically, I have been putting Roofies in her Gatorade. At some point we need to transition to a more traditional relationship, one built on trust. How should I break the news to her? AJ in Toledo

Dear AJ:
The look of love in a semi-comatose lady’s eyes can be a blissful thing. Why spoil a good thing? As my daddy said, “If it ain’t broke, why the hell do you have to go screwing around with it, ass-face?” Perhaps you and your love should continue on this path. I suggest adding the psychotropic mood stabilizer Seroquel to her daily regimen. This drug has the added benefit of impairing long-term memory, and will make your love highly susceptible to suggestion. In this state, make her repeat “I DO love you! I DO love you!” just before she slips into Rohypnol paradise.

Dear Randall:
My boyfriend gets really violent when we disagree about major issues, such as money or dating other people. I am beginning to think that he may one day direct his violence toward me. Do you think that someone who breaks picture frames, carves angry messages into my Jeep with a screwdriver, and kicks my cat can be safe to date? Brenda in Cleveland

Dear Brenda:
The important thing here is for you to recognize the role that you play in your mutual problems. If you weren’t such a nagging shrew, your boyfriend wouldn’t act the way he does.

Take a good look in the mirror and truthfully assess your level of bitchiness. Can you honestly say that this good man, who shows how much he loves you, deserves to be treated like a child? I think not.

You need some lessons in being supportive, and understanding that your man is special. Even if he actually does hit you some day, you must recognize that this is a sign of true love.

Bruises, like hickeys, say to the world that you have a man who is not afraid to show how much he loves you. In an age of repressed emotions, this is a good thing.

December 13, 2005

UT Golfer Denies Steroid Use

(Toledo, OH) Despite public accusations by fellow teammates, UT golfer Donna Morgenthal denied rumors that she has been using anabolic steroids.

“Look, I eat healthy, lift weights, and stay away from tobacco,” she said. “The people making these claims are just jealous that I can drive with a 7-iron off the tee for 550 yards.”

Morgenthal scoffed at suggestions that she ballooned from a size 6 petite dress to sporting 27 inch biceps.

“I’m like the little engine that could,” she said. “With hard work, good diet, and a good trainer, anyone can be like me.”

When asked about midnight injections and secret rendezvous with nefarious characters, Morgenthal exploded.

“Listen, you skinny little bastard,” she screamed. “JUST—BACK—OFF.”

Pausing to catch her breath, the MAC champion golfer apologized for her outburst.

“I get a little emotional sometimes,” she said, digging her nails into her palms. “These people don’t know when to quit.”

Cruise Denies Existence Of Matter On News Show

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian rogue editor

Left: Cruise’s Eyes Smolder with
Hatred for Matter

(Los Angeles, CA)—Tom Cruise, ageless cinematic star of such blockbusters as Endless Love and Cocktail, recently denied the existence of matter in a candid interview with sixth grader Jimmy Baker, anchor of Newport Middle School’s weekly program Newport News.

Cruise, clad in a tight black T-shirt and stylish faded jeans, sat coolly in Newport’s band room behind the woodwind section, flatly rejecting the very basis of modern science.

“What is matter, Jimmy? It’s just stuff," he said. "Stuff that the scientific community makes billions off of each year through the sale of microscopes and those little soda-pop volcano kits from the Discovery Channel Store. It’s bogus.”

Baker, visibly uncomfortable in his clip-on tie, pressed Cruise to be more specific, but only managed to enrage the actor and elicit a melodramatic, Jerry Maguire-esque response.

“Let me tell you this, Jimmy,” Cruise enunciated through clenched teeth, leaning forward in his tiny chair, “I’ve read Newton and Einstein—they’re shit, OK? When I was coping with the mammoth success of The Color of Money, in the full throws of addiction, where was fucking matter?"

Jumping out of his chair, Cruise jabbed a finger in the chest of the adolescent reporter.

"No electrons came to save me then," he said. "It was my faith in Scientology, rooted in the eternal recurrence of my thetan, which pulled me through those dark times. You can keep your buzzwords and hokum.”

Cruise stormed from the band room visibly shaken, bumping three trombone players and knocking over a cello. Newport Middle School Vice Principal Edith Meyer stood by the journalistic integrity of Newport News, and denied recent rumors that their program receives hidden subsidies from the Federation of American Scientists and Bill Nye.

December 12, 2005

Student Health: STDs And You

Guest Columnist - Dr. Sandra Felicidad

There is no more awkward feeling than finally getting someone in the sack, only to hear that dreaded line:

“By the way, I have herpes.”

Once the revulsion phase is past—usually one more shot of tequila—it is important for students to make prudent decisions about STDs.

For starters, know which disease you are up against. If Jason says “I have herpes,” you will only be infectious a few times a year, so go for it.

Gonorrhea-a little tougher, since so many strains of the disease are antibiotic-resistant. I say flip a coin. Chances are that they will invent something to kill this bug before it sterilizes you. So, heads you screw, tails you screw.

Genital warts—aw, c’mon! Don’t let a couple of bumps stop you from getting a little sumpin sumpin.

Chlamydia—are you really going to miss out on some hot sex for a disease that, for most people, is asymptomatic? If you do, you ought to go into the clergy.

Syphilis—OK, this used to be nasty, rotting off peoples’ faces and whatnot. Today, it’s like a bad head cold. Only with burning urination and a smelly discharge. So, shake that money maker, eat those leftover erythromycin from last year’s sore throat, and live a little bit.

Hepatitis—A,B,C,D—it’s all elementary my dear Watson. They all attack your liver and make you feel crappy. Kind of like a permanent hangover, right? The way you drink, I’d say cirrhosis will get you before hepatitis, so keep on ruttin’, baby.

Lice and crabs— God, you are a whiner. Get a goddamn can of Raid and get back to business.

AIDS—Now we are talking. You don’t want to mess around with this baby. This disease can kill you. Eventually. Like in 10-20 years, what with the advances in pharmaceuticals. Yes, even AIDS is nothing to get all worked up about. Plus, as an HIV-positive person, you are in an elite social group. They give you the best tables in restaurants, and evangelicals will not come near you any more, since they think God might mistake them for a wicked heathen.

So, in short, STDs are nothing to get alarmed about, or even to tell your partner about. Hey, the SOB who gave you the clap didn’t tell you first, did he?

December 10, 2005

Billy Pilgrim Apologizes For Blog Stagnation, Enters Rehab

(Washington, D.C.)—Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor of several leading news publications such as Toledo Tales, The National Nitwit, and The Codependent Collegian, offered a formal apology for the stagnation of all three media outlets earlier today, citing his raging addictions to Oxycontin, Yuengling Lager, and Asian pornography. As of press time, Pilgrim was en-route to a private rehabilitation facility at an undisclosed location.

“I would like to thank my brothers-in-arms, particularly Bob and Banfu, for sticking by me during this time of personal crisis,” Pilgrim said at a poorly attended press conference outside an Arby’s restaurant in Washington, D.C. “I am 100% at fault for the decreased hilarity in our publications, and vow, with God as my witness, to redouble my efforts once I get clean and sober. Just let me finish this roast beef sandwich.”

An anonymous source has cited Pilgrim, a former administrative assistant for the Associated Press and mailboy at The Washington Post, for letting his professional obligations slip in recent weeks. This, in turn, has damaged the reputation and chuckle-awesomeness of the aforementioned blogs, leaving his colleagues to reprint some of his older evergreen stories.

“I hope he gets his shit together,” lamented Banfu T. Burnside, his long-time friend and landlord. “He’s thrown up on my couch twice this week. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get tequila and stomach acid out of suede?”

December 9, 2005

Student Questions Life After Class

(Toledo, OH) Junior finance major Megan Vandersteen thought she was signing up for a "nice little Humanities class" when she registered for Intro to Philosophy, but she got more than she bargained for.

"All I wanted to do was kill a requirement and have some fun," she said, staring down at her feet. "Now I am all messed up in the head, thanks to that professor."

The third-year student said that, since taking the course, she has begun to question her values.

"I had it all planned out: BA, MBA, corporate career, CEO of a mid-sized investment bank, the whole bit," she said. "Now I'm thinking about crazy shit like the Peace Corps and social work. I want my old life back."

Philosophy professor Greg Schadenfreude took issue with Vandersteen's comments.

"Look, it's an intro course that covers everything from Aristotle to Foucault," he said. "It's not my fault that this whack job took all that stuff seriously."

Schadenfreude said that the confused student is beginning to appear threatening.

"OK, I understand the calls to my house and office during the term," he said. "But this psycho is hanging around my lake cottage, leaving treatises on my windshield, and even sitting next to me at Mass. I'm getting a little freaked here."

Vandersteen said that she would gladly stop pestering the instructor.

"All I want is what that man took from me," she said.

December 8, 2005

UT Prof Continues Unprecedented Streak Of Lectures On Ex-Wife

By: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—When Jim Walker and his roommate signed up for Advanced Ethics last spring, they expected an engaging, fruitful course that examined the ultimate meaning of morality, democratic law, and modern codes of conduct. What they got was Instructor Stu Mauser, who, after a harrowing divorce in 1999, has set a UT record by giving 319 lectures in a row about his ex-wife Marissa, who by all accounts is a no-good slut and backstabbing bitch.

“On the first day of class Mauser set this odd tone,” Walker recalled in an exclusive interview with the Collegian earlier this week. “While every other prof talked about syllabi and procedures, Mauser kept using weird anecdotes to explain his teaching style. I mean, the guy compared plagiarism to fucking Tony Stewart, his next door neighbor, in the hall bathroom tub.”

While many of Walker’s classmates shared his extreme discomfort after the first week, the course continued to use Mauser’s personal life as a springboard for lectures and examinations, leading many to drop the course. After midterms, Mauser has dropped all pretense of altering his pedagogy.

“It’s really kind of sad,” remarked Winifred Chapman, a Sylvania-area florist who attends UT as a part-time student. “The young man comes in very prepared—he can barely open the door he carries so many books and notes—but within five minutes he’s on a tangent about ‘negative utilitarianism and blowing someone’s brother on a Metroparks bench.’ I think he may have a drinking problem.”

December 7, 2005

Student Tired Of Hip-Hop References

(Toledo, OH) Senior business student Jon Hewitt is fed up with what he calls "ghetto bullshit" that other finance majors - mostly white - send his way.

"I was giving a presentation in an eCommerce class when this idiot agreed with my argument by saying: 'Yo, I'm down wit dat,'" said Hewitt. "At first I thought that he was mocking me, until he used the phrase 'bling-bling' to describe my marketing approach."

Hewitt said that the hip-hop euphemisms are most likely an attempt by white students to find some common ground.

"The problem is, I don't even listen to that type of music," he said, adding that he spends a lot of time listening to Dave Matthews and Ben Folds Five. "So I don't even get half the shit they are saying."

The worst experience, said Hewitt, was when a professor fell into the behavior.

"I was attending a financial management seminar and the professor kept using the word 'def,'" he said. "It took three times before I realized that she was not talking about hearing-impaired customers. What a moron."

Left: Classmate "Puffy" Gunderschmidt, jes tryin' to help a brotha out an' shit

Classmates in Hewitt's eCommerce class disagreed with his assessment.

"Yeah, boy-eee, that nigga be one tight-assed freak," said Jeremy "Puffy" Gunderschmidt. "He all like: 'I think perhaps you have me confused with another person' and I'm all like: 'Jes chill out, cuz.' He all up in mah grill an' shit."

December 6, 2005

Counseling Center Gets New Location, Focus

Left: Interim counseling director R. Lee Ermey

(Toledo, OH) Space considerations necessitated the relocation of the UT Counseling Center to the ROTC Armory, but university officials decided to simultaneously give the Center a new mission.

Interim director R. Lee Ermey discussed his treatment philosophies.

"What these pansy maggots need is a good, swift kick in the ass," said the feisty ex-drill sergeant. "I got their 'low self-esteem' right here, at the end of my regulation boot!"

Ermey said that he considers himself a devotee of behavioralist BF Skinner.

"We spend way too much time pampering these ninnies," he said, poking a finger in the chest of this Collegian reporter. "We get 'em bivouacking on the Ottawa River for a weekend eating tree bark, and they shape right up."

Ermey believes that his techniques are effective on all known psychological disorders.

"Listen, instead of crying in their cafe mocha, we give 'em a dose of hard, cold reality," he said. "There ain't nothing that a six-mile hike with a 50-lb backpack can't cure."

December 4, 2005

Mentally-Challenged Employee Only One Who Washes Hands At Local Restaurant

By: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Wally York, a special needs employee at a nearby Arby’s, is the only employee who regularly washes his hands before his shift or after using the lavatory, according to a recent report by the Lucas County Board of Health.

“That nigga ain’t right,” commented Sheila Watkins, a part-time employee who often works weeknights with York. “He goes in [the restroom] like, a million times every night, and he never zips up his fly. I bet he beats his shit in there. I don’t trust anybody who smiles all the goddamn time like that.”

York was unavailable for comment, but shift manager Tim Bowland vouched for his professionalism.

“Look—the guy drools and has no idea how to fill out his time card, but he’s one of the best employees I got," he said. "At least he doesn’t steal food like you-know-who.”

Fry cook Bobby Masson disagreed.

“There’s something wrong with that boy,” he said. “It just ain’t natural to be in the bathroom so much.”

Arby’s, LLC—the parent company of all Arby’s, T.J. Cinnamons and Pasta Connection restaurants— affirmed its dedication to hygienic kitchens and quality meals in a recent press release.

“While the City of Toledo has legitimate concerns about the condition of this Arby’s restaurant,” the release read, “we are nonetheless proud of Mr. York and his shining example of productivity, determination, and cleanliness. If every Arby’s employee had an I.Q. of 48, our success would be limitless.”

December 3, 2005

Museum Reaffirms Mission To Rob Nation Of Historical Treasures

Left: Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Assistant Editor

The Henry Ford Museum, as the self-proclaimed “greatest history attraction in America,” reaffirmed its prime motive to outbid the Smithsonian and other benevolent preservers of public memory by buying every meaningful scrap of American pop culture, a spokesperson announced last Thursday.

“Our goal has always been to pillage America’s collective consciousness for valuable artifacts,” senior public relations spokesperson Samuel Branch explained, “but given the warmth and vitality of the spring season, we felt the need to rededicate ourselves to the whimsical hoarding of historical relics.”

Located on the lush, 90-acre expanse of Greenfield Village in Deerborn, Michigan, the Museum preserves the legacy of innovative auto tycoon Henry Ford by housing noteworthy examples of American pride and unity, such as the Rosa Parks bus and the limousine in which President Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.

Additionally, the Museum maintains the Ford Rouge Factory, where car enthusiasts of all ages can witness the manufacture of the new Ford F-150 truck, as well as tributes to the factory explosion in 1999.

Billed in an ejaculatory burst of language as “a virtual reality theater adventure experience,” the factory tour allows industrial buffs to relish the magic of the assembly line by singing their forearms with welding sparks.

"There are few experiences as exciting as watching machines making more machines," said Branch.

He continued: “Ultimately, we offer attendees endless historical interaction that is well worth the $20 ticket price.”

Branch added: “Some critics argue our fee is exorbitant, but hey, what the fuck are unemployed stiffs in Michigan and Ohio gonna do — fly to D.C. and see better shit for free? I think not.”

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