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December 12, 2005

Student Health: STDs And You

Guest Columnist - Dr. Sandra Felicidad

There is no more awkward feeling than finally getting someone in the sack, only to hear that dreaded line:

“By the way, I have herpes.”

Once the revulsion phase is past—usually one more shot of tequila—it is important for students to make prudent decisions about STDs.

For starters, know which disease you are up against. If Jason says “I have herpes,” you will only be infectious a few times a year, so go for it.

Gonorrhea-a little tougher, since so many strains of the disease are antibiotic-resistant. I say flip a coin. Chances are that they will invent something to kill this bug before it sterilizes you. So, heads you screw, tails you screw.

Genital warts—aw, c’mon! Don’t let a couple of bumps stop you from getting a little sumpin sumpin.

Chlamydia—are you really going to miss out on some hot sex for a disease that, for most people, is asymptomatic? If you do, you ought to go into the clergy.

Syphilis—OK, this used to be nasty, rotting off peoples’ faces and whatnot. Today, it’s like a bad head cold. Only with burning urination and a smelly discharge. So, shake that money maker, eat those leftover erythromycin from last year’s sore throat, and live a little bit.

Hepatitis—A,B,C,D—it’s all elementary my dear Watson. They all attack your liver and make you feel crappy. Kind of like a permanent hangover, right? The way you drink, I’d say cirrhosis will get you before hepatitis, so keep on ruttin’, baby.

Lice and crabs— God, you are a whiner. Get a goddamn can of Raid and get back to business.

AIDS—Now we are talking. You don’t want to mess around with this baby. This disease can kill you. Eventually. Like in 10-20 years, what with the advances in pharmaceuticals. Yes, even AIDS is nothing to get all worked up about. Plus, as an HIV-positive person, you are in an elite social group. They give you the best tables in restaurants, and evangelicals will not come near you any more, since they think God might mistake them for a wicked heathen.

So, in short, STDs are nothing to get alarmed about, or even to tell your partner about. Hey, the SOB who gave you the clap didn’t tell you first, did he?

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