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January 31, 2006

Roommate Gives State Of The Dump Message

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, addressed his fellow Coppin State housemates this evening.

"Good evening, fellow members of this shithole we call home," said Derrick, reading from a prepared script. "It is with solemnity that I address you in this annual prerogative on the state of affairs of our abode. Wake the fuck up, Jared!"

Lingenschnauffer continued, recounting foreign policy concerns.

"The old woman next door has about had it with us parking on her begonias, and has announced a policy of proactive engagement up to and including putting sugar in our gas tanks," he said. "We are left with no choice but to slip some antifreeze in the water dish of Powderpuff, the bitch's Pomeranian. May we bow our heads in prayer for the brave men who will undertake this mission."

Next on the house agenda were domestic affairs, which Derrick felt had been neglected during the diplomatic crises of the past year.

"We are not a household predicated upon the welfare system, and it is up to each of us to contribute to the financial needs of this place," said Lingenschnauffer, eyeing two of his roommates. "And since Gerard and Weezy here have been freeloading for like eleven months - not to mention being the fuckers who smoked up a half-ounce of Chronic I had stashed - the time has come for them to step up and pay. Dickweeds."

Finally, Lingenschnauffer urged his housemates to put aside partisan bickering during the difficult times ahead.

"I say unto you: knock this shit off," he said, brandishing a Louisville Slugger. "For despite our differences, I will not hesitate to kick the ever-living bejeesus out of any of you. May God continue to bless our house."

January 30, 2006

Author Frey Also Fabricated Taco Consumption

Left: Lying sack-of-shit James Frey

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York, NY)—Days after admitting that several portions of his best-selling memoir “A Million Little Pieces” were fictional, author James Frey offered another stunning confession: he fabricated the results of a 1996 taco-eating contest at a Dennison University alumni fundraiser.

Frey has endured severe public scrutiny in recent weeks since The Smoking Gun reported that significant portions of his autobiography were embellished to maintain his “tough-guy” image.

However, this most recent revelation has, by all accounts, added insult to injury.

“I only ate six of them,” Frey tearfully gushed on yesterday’s episode of Oprah. “My buddy Trent downed eleven, and I lied so I could win a sixer of Bud Light. It was the act of a desperate man—a man with a low tolerance for salsa.”

Frey denied reports that his next book will focus on the taco-scarfing fiasco.

“My past is my past, and I have no desire to go back,” Frey sighed after a thoughtful pause. “Even though I ate like an anorexic bitch, I will never forget how those tortillas scraped against the top of my mouth. I hope readers will forgive my dishonesty and see the redemption that transcends all Tex-Mex cuisine.”

January 28, 2006

Student Ponders Underwear Dilemma

(State College, PA) Penn State University sophomore Greg Haller woke up this morning to find himself facing quite a predicament.

"I got up and realized that I had not done laundry in two weeks, and I was completely out of clean underwear," he said. "My palms started to sweat, let me tell you."

Haller, tormented by childhood maternal scoldings about underwear and ambulances, had to make a decision.

"It was yesterday's drawers or nothing at all," he said. "I had no other choices."

It finally came down to the vagaries of a coin flip.

"Heads won out," said Haller, staring away from reporters. "I am wearing yesterday's whitey tighties."

A gasp of collective horror rocketed around the room. Haller paused and then continued.

"Hey man - if I have to ride in an ambulance today, I would rather they think I am a slob than some kind of pervert with no drawers," he said. "Besides, I sprayed them with a little deodorant to kill the funky rankness, OK? It's all good."

January 27, 2006

Grad Student Wonders If Penthouse Forum Letters Should Go On CV

(Madison, WI) MFA candidate Brian Scheuermann says that he has invested "a lot of time" producing fictional letters for Penthouse Forum, and that he would hate to see his efforts go to waste. To that end he is considering to add these compsoitions to his curriculum vitae.

"If they were just the usual jack-off bullshit I would even consider it," said Scheueremann. "However, many of these were written with an eye toward brilliant dialogue and picturesque settings."

Scheuermann said that he has been published "dozens" of times in the soft-porn magazine.

"It seems that I really found my niche writing these things," he said. "I take a lot of pride in my work."

Schueremann provided a sample for the Codependent Collegian:

Dear Forum,

I live in Hollywood where I am one of the many out-of-work actors competing for his big break. Believe me, work is hard to come by out here. Without a good job, chicks are hard to score, too.

One time I took a job cleaning inground pools. It was a good way to keep my great tan and to see how the truly wealthy lived. Most of the time the people weren’t even home. I doubt they swam in the damn pool either but my paycheck always cashed and I had free time for acting auditions.

One time I was cleaning a pool in the hills and the owner was around. She was an older woman, probably in her early 60’s. She looked pretty good for her age in a way that money helps. It was a hot day and I wasn’t wearing a shirt while I worked. She sat inside the house watching me. I first noticed her looking while I was getting chlorine she was in the kitchen looking out the window. Later when I was cleaning the bugs out of the filter I spotted her looking at me from the sun room.

"Yeah, that was one of my best," chuckled Scheuermann, adding that his work is "90 percent" autobiographical. "I bet you can figure out what happened next, too. That old lady was a real tomcat, let me tell you."

January 25, 2006

English Prof Promotes Grammar To Thwart Teen Sex

Left: BJU students shown not fucking in new campus flyer

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Greenville, SC)—Marty Clemons, Assistant Professor of Composition at Bob Jones University, became very concerned last year when he saw a “disturbing increase” in the promiscuity of his students. This semester, Clemons is confident he has found the antidote for the love bug: grammar.

Clemons—like all of his colleagues—is a devout Christian, and strictly adheres to BJU’s mission which “stands without apology for the old-time religion and the absolute authority of the Bible” (www.bju.edu).

“I’m the first to defend our liberal arts approach to higher education,” Clemons remarked in an exclusive phone interview with the Collegian. “And we’re very progressive in the classroom, to be sure. But our students pay $20,000 a year for something more here at Bob Jones: sexual proselytism.”

Some of Clemons’ proposed activities include Semantic Olympics, Etymology Jeopardy!, and a Friday Night Semicolon Club.

“Our students need to re-assert their faith, now more than ever,” Clemons stressed. “Why should they smoke a joint and sixty-nine to a Styx record when they can study double-negatives in regional dialects?”

January 24, 2006

Student Finds Glue Stick "Almost As Good" As Chapstick

(Madison, WI) Junior philosophy major Kari Breckenmeyer made a personal hygiene discovery that she thinks will "revolutionize" the lip care industry.

"I was, like, obsessing because I couldn't find my Chapstick one day, so in desperation I used this Elmer's Glue Stick I had in my book bag," said Breckenmeyer. "I couldn't believe how long the stuff lasted! One application is good for, like, six hours."

An avid skier, Breckenmeyer finds that glue sticks work well on the slopes.

"The thicker glue gives added protection against the cold mountain winds," she said. "Plus I never lose my lift tags anymore, because I adhere them to my lower lip."

Breckenmeyer's boyfriend, though, was less than enthusiastic about her discovery.

"I used to think that she was kind of nutty," said Doug Pettaway. "Now I can see that she is a world-class freak who would likely eat up all my money in therapist bills if we got married. It's probably a good thing this came out now."

January 22, 2006

Amstutz To Pilgrim: “My Heart Is A Time Bomb”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—In an exclusive Codependent Collegian interview, UT Rockets head coach Tom Amstutz recently came clean about his obesity, and finally disclosed his life-long addiction to food.

Armstutz’s compelling and heart-felt revelations came after UT football had one of their most successful seasons in 2005, with the Rockets trouncing the UTEP Miners in a staggering 45-13 victory at the GMAC Bowl last December.

“I’ve never publicly discussed the fat,” Amstutz candidly revealed. “And really didn’t know where to turn—but all my players read this here Collegian, so it seemed like the perfect avenue. By the way, was that story about the fortune cookie true? God, I love Chinese food. Sometimes I smear it on my nipples and let the dog lick it off.”

Amstutz stoically choked back tears as he discussed his failing health.

“I can’t jog, I can’t screw, I can hardly take a shower anymore,” Amstutz lamented. “The last time I saw my feet was 1992. The 'Skins beat Buffalo that year in Superbowl XXVI. I remember because I ate twelve pounds of nachos in the fourth quarter.”

When prompted about his medical alternatives, Amstutz appeared more optimistic.

“Well, there’s options,” Amstutz sighed. “The wife wants me to get the stomach stapled. After so many failed diets, that’s probably the best route to go. Hey—is this thing almost over? I have a date with some barbecue ribblets.”

January 21, 2006

Professor Recognized For New Scientific Theory

(Los Angeles, CA) Vladimir Yarnov, professor of chemical engineering at UCLA, was recently awarded a Hanes Fellowship for his pioneering work on missing sock theory. Yarnov's research showed a direct link between the disappearnce of socks from clothes dryers and simultaneous reductions in energy consumption by the machines.

"Essentially, dryers consume the socks as fuel," said Yarnov. "During the petrochemical transduction phase, energy in the form of released hydrocarbons is transferred from the sock to the dryer."

Yarnov's team is still working out the details of the transference mechanism. The group, however, believes that sock with holes are particularly vulnerable to fabric evaporation.

"Sock holes represent a systemic breech that is exploited by the addition of energy from the dryer," said Yarnov. "Once the transduction begins, no force on earth is capable of stopping it."

Yarnov believes that the theory has applicability to other fields.

"We believe that the fields of corporate accounting and government finance will make use of instantaneous matter transduction theory," he said. "Both disciplines explore various phenomena of unexplained disappearance of material assets."

January 18, 2006

Pluto Probe Delayed Again

Special to the Codependent Collegian

(Cape Canaveral, FL) NASA canceled today's launch of the US space agency's first Pluto probe after mission-control headquarters in Maryland lost power, officials said.

"It was important that we have backup systems, because that dog is gonna freak out and knock a lot of shit over when we probe him," said a NASA spokesman. "Christ, I know how jumpy I got when my proctologist checked my prostate last year. WHOOOEEE!"

The agency hoped the problem would be resolved in time for the next launch window on Thursday. NASA has until February 14 to get the probe operational.

"We think he might have worms, because he has been dragging his ass on Mickey's carpet," said the spokesman. "However, every time someone would try to get a look, the bastard would snap. We had to call in reinforcements to get the job done."

Disney officials declined to comment, but a source off the record said that Pluto is "doing well for someone with severe rectal itching."

January 17, 2006

Fortune Cookie Appointed Dean Of Asian Studies

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(State College, PA)—After accusations of racial discrimination rocked Penn State’s women’s basketball program last December, many administrators and faculty members desperately hoped that 2006 would be a year in which the university could rebuild its public image.

However, the recent appointment of a fortune cookie to head the school’s Asian Studies program has already outraged thousands of students, and is likely to create another public relations nightmare for the 150-year old institution.

“This is an outrageous, prejudicial slap-in-the-face to ethnic harmony in the academy,” remarked Dr. Fong-Tan Wu, Associate Professor of Physics. “Clearly, the cookie is incapable of leading without some good Moo Shu Pork. Ohh—or a plate of General Tso’s Chicken. That shit is da bomb.”

And while the cookie has yet to issue an official statement to the media concerning this controversy, many at Penn State have rallied to its defense.

“The cookie has a strong record, and I, for one, stand by its selection,” stated John McMurray, a former retiree and custodial arts specialist. “Back in ’78, I had one give me the best compliment of my life: ‘your love shall be everlasting.’ Such wisdom, my friend, can do no wrong.”

January 16, 2006

Student Opts For Watching "The OC" First Season Over Studying For Econ Exam

Left: Cast of the FOX show "The OC"

(El Paso, TX) UTEP sophomore Mark Lytle knew he should be reading his microeconomics textbook, as well as trying to procure notes for the last three lectures he missed.

But somehow he could not pull himself away from the DVD collection of the first season of the FOX-TV program "The OC."

"I don't know what happened," said a shaken Lytle, bleary-eyed and remorseful. "This is the first exam, it's worth 25% of my grade, and I could not pull myself away from that vapid shit. FUCK!"

Lytle, who admits to being "not exactly an honor student," said that he believes there are embedded subliminal implants in the discs.

"My roommate could not get me to budge from the couch, and I felt this...this...force pulling me closer," he said. "What is on those discs clearly came from some really sick minds."

Lytle said that he got so into the DVD that he now finds himself debating over the best show intro.

"I love the intro to "Rainy Day Woman" best," he said. "That's the one where Seth tries to tempt Ryan over with bagels and then they talk over the phone; God help me - I am a really sick man."

January 14, 2006

Subcomandante Bob Admits: "I Am The Dalai Lama"

(Toledo, OH) Dispelling rumors circulating around the Internet, enigmatic editor Subcomandante Bob announced his true identity to a crowd of two media personnel.

"It's true," mumbled a recalcirant Bob, staring at his shoes. "I am the leader of the Free Tibet movement, His Holiness the 14th the Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso."

The Dalai Lamas are the manifestations of the Bodhisattva (Buddha) of Compassion, who chose to reincarnate to serve the people. Subcomandante Bob said that his nom de plume was really just a way to "get in touch" with the people.

"Look - this is a really uptight gig," said Lama/Bob. "This way I can meet chicks, get really fucking wasted, and walk around the apartment in my underwear, instead of the stupid Buddhist robe."

Since 1967, His Holiness initiated a series of journeys which have taken him to some 46 nations. His trips frequently place him in Toledo, OH.

"It's just about the last place the Peoples' Secret Police would think to look," Lama/Bob said. "And there are some really good hot dog joints here, unlike the goddamn tofu they gorge me with in Tibet."

Lama/Bob dismissed rumors that he is really a Toledo journalist and historian named Michael Brooks, or a constipated Yazoo MS truck driver named Vern Boggus.

"That four-eyed, chicken-eating, trailer-renting, knuckle-dragging moron is not worthy to lick the Tibetan crust between my toes," he said. "And as for Vern - well, he can handle an 18-wheeler, but his gasp of the Bodhisattvas leaves a lot to be desired."

January 13, 2006

Student Prefers Windows XP Solitaire Over Windows 98 Version

By Codependent Collegian contributing editor Harry P. Ness

(Roanoke, VA) Will Blight, a student at Roanoke-Chowan Community College, considers himself an expert in computer games.

"I spend much of my day in front of my PC," said Blight, pecking at his keyboard. "There are few people who know more about computers than me."

It is this computer-fixation that led Blight to compare various versions of the game Solitaire.

"Yes, I do go it alone quite a bit," he said. "Solitaire is the best one-hand card game around."

One of the best features of the XP version, according to Blight, is the right-click function.

"Hitting the right clicker makes all the cards that could be played spurt upward," he said. "That feature is not available in Windows 98."

Blight believes that the deck customization option on the XP version is one of the best innovations yet.

"I can install pictures of handsome Aryan men on the back of the deck," he said, beads of sweat on his forehead. "I do get a bit distracted when they are up there, but it sure makes a one-hand game more fun!"

January 12, 2006

UT Starbucks Brings Back "Fucka Latte"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Although the Starbucks on the University of Toledo’s Bancroft Campus has always generated substantial revenue—even by corporate standards—manager Nick LoBianco decided to bring back a blockbuster coffee this month: the Fucka Latte.

“We’ve enjoyed tremendous success here at UT since day one,” LoBianco candidly shared in a phone interview earlier this week with the Codependent Collegian. “This addition really had nothing to do with profits; it was simply a matter of maintaining our reputation for outstanding service and exotic brews. And what could be more exotic than a quickie with your cup o’ joe?”

The move has clearly enraged many UT organizations, such as the Campus Crusade for Christ, which has decried the decision as a “supreme distortion of beverage vending.”

However, some faculty members have hailed this new offering as a triumph of free markets and American ingenuity.

Business professor John Unger was particularly optimistic about the Fucka Latte, and mumbled “oh, sweet, sweet capitalism,” between deep, guttural moans as he received service from sophomore Brenda Thompson, who works part-time at the UT Starbucks from 4-9 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.

“I’m glad Starbucks is giving back to the UT community,” Unger added minutes later after he composed himself. “After screwing us for $5 coffees and $3 cookies, it’s about goddamn time consumers climbed on top.”

January 10, 2006

New Study Reveals Leinert is Complete Douche Bag

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(New Brunswick, NJ)—An exhaustive, six-month study has just revealed that Matt Leinert, star quarterback of the USC Trojans, is a complete bag of douche, and needs to be kicked in the balls.

The research was performed by a diverse team of grant-funded biologists and graduate assistants at Rutgers University in New Jersey, who insist that their findings are purely scientific and impartial.

“Let us be clear,” stated Dr. Nouj Mahali, Professor of Microbiology and leading scholar on the research team. “This guy is a greasy, no-good douche bag, and probably has at least three STDs. In the parlance of our times, he’s a male version of Tara Reid.”

Leinert’s reputation has suffered slightly after his unparalleled 34-0 streak with the Trojans abruptly ended when they lost to the Texas Longhorns 41-38 in last week’s Rose Bowl, largely due to the stellar performance of UT’s quarterback Vince Young.

And while both players are headed to the 2006 NFL draft and are already courting teams, Leinert’s future is now in jeopardy because of these findings.

“He’s got a great mind for the game, there’s no question about that,” remarked Jan Burkewicz, a leading NFL scout. “But the guy hung out with Nick Lachey for like, half of 2005. If that doesn’t have douche written all over it, I don’t know what does.”

Flunking Student Dedicates Self To Being Complete Ass

(Evanston, IL) Northwestern University freshman Marty Jamieson began the semester with high hopes after snagging a lucrative scholarship package.

However, after too many weeks of excessive drinking and Madden 2005, Jamieson is failing two courses. Worse yet, the deadline for withdrawal has already passed.

Jamieson has thus morphed into a professor's worst nightmare.

"If I am going to flunk, I am going to do it with style," he chuckled. "I have now devoted myself to a new purpose - becoming the biggest asshole in the history of Northwestern."

Jamieson described the first act of his new scholastic drama as a "doppelganger scheme."

"I bought an inflatable doll, and when I went to class, I left the doll in my chair," he laughed. "Then I announced that I had an important meeting to go to, and that the doll would be taking notes for me. Hilarious!"

Jamieson's next plan called for a bit of mimicry.

"I came to class wearing the same clothes as the professor, including the black T-shirt he wears under his suit jacket," he chuckled. "Then I called the professor a copycat; man, you should have seen that guy tweaking!"

The best gag that Jamieson has played this month required a high degree of concentration.

"I pretended to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class," he said. "Then I woke up in an annoying way with lots of loud yawning, said that I missed the lecture, and asked the professor to summarize what she talked about. Priceless!"

Northwestern University, citing confidentiality rules, said that it could not comment on Jamieson's status.

"He is free to act like a complete dick if he wants to," said a spokesperson. "We get paid either way."

January 7, 2006

Dickens Cider: Student Unveils New Juice Startup

(Austin, TX) University of Texas senior Harry Wood came up with a beverage idea last year, and his new fruit drink just might make him a millionaire.

"We have decided on the name 'Dickens Cider,' and it is a wonderful experience," said Wood. "Our first marketing slogan is: 'You've Just Got To Get Your Dickens Cider.'"

Wood, who is majoring in psychology, said that the name seemed to be a natural.

"I was sitting with this chick in the student union when the thought came to me," he said. "The only thing in the world that mattered at that moment was my Dickens Cider."

Wood believes that the new beverage will be a hit.

"I imagine that every undergraduate on the Austin campus will be thinking about nothing but getting Dickens Cider by the weekend," he said. "We hope to be getting our Dickens Cider in the grocery stores real soon."

Wood's girlfriend, Sharon Peters, said that she is excited about the new opportunities for Wood.

"All Harry talks about is his Dickens Cider," she said. "Every boy I know is excited about getting his Dickens Cider."

January 6, 2006

Provost Admits: "I Pretty Much Just Jack Off All Day"

(Providence, RI) Confirming widespread suspicions about administrative bloat in the nation's universities, Brown University Provost Martin Haverford admitted that his position is largely symbolic, and that he does little real work.

"I think I am typical of most university administrators," he said. "I get here about 9 AM, play a couple of games of Tetris, sign some papers, and then head to lunch. It's a 50-50 proposition if I return after lunch."

Haverford believes that he has earned his position.

"Look, I did the classroom thing for 14 years," he said. "Those fucking students will drive you absolutely nuts if you can't dream of a better life in the upper administration."

Taking a Darwinian approach to his hierarchical success, Haverford said that positions such as his are necessary in the modern university.

"We are essentially an academic corporation here at Brown, and it's kill-or-be-killed in today's universities," he said. "Can you run a Fortune 500 company without a phalanx of highly-compensated individuals? No-sir-ee!"

Haverford said that he resented call by legislators to cut funding to the nation's universities.

"Hey man, this is a regular gravy train," he said of his employment situation. "You think I am going to say anything that screws with my 401-K and pension? You're kidding, right?"

January 5, 2006

Student Gets Over Momentary Piety

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

(Toledo, OH) UT economics major, Gerry Goldfarb, seems to have completed an unusual three-week term of piety. Unable to explain what triggered the episode, Goldfarb appears relieved that it has run its course.

"Earlier this month, I got cornered by a panhandler outside of the sub shop," he recalled. "Usually I can just ignore those people, but something came over me."

According to Goldfarb, he gave the indigent man seventeen dollars and half of a meatball sub.

Mr. Goldfarb's friends also noticed the change.

"Last week we were at this house party when this total hottie started leaning on Gerry's shoulder," said Alan Mills, a member of Goldfarb's intramural soccer team. "He was gonna get laid for sure, but Gerry got this really serious look on his face."

Witnesses overheard Goldfarb explain to the woman that she was inebriated, and they stared in disbelief as he sent her home with cab fare.

No longer constrained by his temporary moral fortitude, the second-year student plans to make up for lost time.

"I can't believe I spent last Thursday in meditation," lamented Goldfarb. "I mean, prayer and introspection has its place, but I totally passed up poker night at Rex-Dawg's place," adding, "Let's do a shot right now man."

Goldfarb's housemates issued a brief statement, welcoming him back to the fold.

"We are pleased to recognize the return of our dear colleague: Gerry 'Poon-O-Matic' Goldfarb," the statement read. "Gerry is an integral part of our social network and remains accountable for one-fifth of the rent. We trust that he will continue to fulfill his duties, regardless of any fiscal commitments he may have made to the 700 Club."

January 4, 2006

Professor Recognized For New Scientific Theory

(Los Angeles, CA) Vladimir Yarnov, professor of chemical engineering at UCLA, was recently awarded a Hanes Fellowship for his pioneering work on missing sock theory. Yarnov's research showed a direct link between the disappearnce of socks from clothes dryers and simultaneous reductions in energy consumption by the machines.

"Essentially, dryers consume the socks as fuel," said Yarnov. "During the petrochemical transduction phase, energy in the form of released hydrocarbons is transferred from the sock to the dryer."

Yarnov's team is still working out the details of the transference mechanism. The group, however, believes that sock with holes are particularly vulnerable to fabric evaporation.

"Sock holes represent a systemic breech that is exploited by the addition of energy from the dryer," said Yarnov. "Once the transduction begins, no force on earth is capable of stopping it."

Yarnov believes that the theory has applicability to other fields.

"We believe that the fields of corporate accounting and government finance will make use of instantaneous matter transduction theory," he said. "Both disciplines explore various phenomena of unexplained disappearance of material assets."

January 2, 2006

Homeland Security Adds Fraggles To List Of Terror Suspects

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Washington, DC)—Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the beloved troupe of muppets known as the Fraggles had been added to the ever-growing list of terror suspects wanted for questioning in connection to the harrowing attacks of September 11, 2001.

The Fraggles enjoyed tremendous success on HBO from 1983 through 1987 when their television program “Fraggle Rock” entertained and educated children across the nation, emphasizing the importance of friendship, honesty, and subterranean construction. However, the Fraggles have remained out of the public eye for over a decade, and this has caused some within the Bush Administration to take notice.

“Prudence demands we remain ever-vigilant against those who propagate evil and terror as a means to undermine the freedom and security of the American people,” Chertoff said at a 9 a.m. press conference with his trademark stoicism. “It has come to our attention that the Fraggles may have some involvement in recent terrorist activities, and we are therefore pursuing them for rigorous investigation as a precautionary measure. The Department of Homeland Security does so with extreme caution, and with the full consent of the President.”

Many activist groups have decried this development as another power play by the Bush Administration to subvert and silence radical voices in children’s entertainment. Harold Barnes of Baltimore, 31, was one of hundreds of protestors outside the White House later yesterday afternoon.

“I’ve been a Fraggle fan my whole life,” Barnes said. “I watched the premiere on January 10th, 1983 with my sister Gerty, and have been hooked ever since. Thank God for eBay—now I have every episode on DVD.”

When prompted about Ridge’s announcement earlier that morning, Barnes said, “This is blacklisting man, pure and simple—Bush is just following in his daddy’s footsteps. First it was the Smirfs, then the Wuzzles, and now the Fraggles…when will this injustice end?”

Neither Henson, Inc. nor The Children’s Television Workshop were available for comment, but they issued a joint statement apologizing to longtime fans and concerned citizens alike, and cited the entire situation as a “gross misunderstanding of children’s programming on basic cable.” Both groups have vowed to fully cooperate with the Department of Homeland Security, Mathnet, and the Doozer’s Union to resolve this matter in a swift, professional manner.

January 1, 2006

Health Alert: There's Nothing Simple About Herpes Simplex

By Banfu T. Burnside, Collegian Health Editor

Have you ever had a cold sore? If so, you might have Herpes! Herpes is an incurable viral infection that is often sexually transmitted. The symptoms include skin lesions and blisters, however the infected often show no outward symptoms at all. Just don't let the clear skin fool you. An asymptomatic individual can still shed infectious virions, leading to a serious case of dong-rot.

There are two common versions of Herpes Simplex; HSV-1 is more common in the facial region, while HSV-2 typically affects the "naughty bits." However, it is entirely possible for both virii to thrive in any location, and a rather unscientific study suggests that dong-to-mouth transmission is on the rise.

The fun doesn't stop there, because either of the two Herpes Simplex viruses can lead to a neurological disorder called Herpes Simplex Encephalitis. That disorder is seventy percent fatal in untreated subjects.

Dr. Alan Sharper, a microbiologist and leading researcher on the evolution of the Herpes virus adds, "Herpes is a bitch."

When asked for preventive measures, Dr. Sharper offered the following: "Don't touch shit. You've got no idea who has the herpes, so avoid skin to skin contact at all costs with any human beings."

Dr. Sharper also takes issue with the way many Americans approach treatment. His parting advice: "That chapstick stuff is no cure for herpes, baby. You can't just slather your mug with Blistex and pretend your face isn't a veritable STD Jamboree."

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