.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
January 22, 2006

Amstutz To Pilgrim: “My Heart Is A Time Bomb”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—In an exclusive Codependent Collegian interview, UT Rockets head coach Tom Amstutz recently came clean about his obesity, and finally disclosed his life-long addiction to food.

Armstutz’s compelling and heart-felt revelations came after UT football had one of their most successful seasons in 2005, with the Rockets trouncing the UTEP Miners in a staggering 45-13 victory at the GMAC Bowl last December.

“I’ve never publicly discussed the fat,” Amstutz candidly revealed. “And really didn’t know where to turn—but all my players read this here Collegian, so it seemed like the perfect avenue. By the way, was that story about the fortune cookie true? God, I love Chinese food. Sometimes I smear it on my nipples and let the dog lick it off.”

Amstutz stoically choked back tears as he discussed his failing health.

“I can’t jog, I can’t screw, I can hardly take a shower anymore,” Amstutz lamented. “The last time I saw my feet was 1992. The 'Skins beat Buffalo that year in Superbowl XXVI. I remember because I ate twelve pounds of nachos in the fourth quarter.”

When prompted about his medical alternatives, Amstutz appeared more optimistic.

“Well, there’s options,” Amstutz sighed. “The wife wants me to get the stomach stapled. After so many failed diets, that’s probably the best route to go. Hey—is this thing almost over? I have a date with some barbecue ribblets.”

Amstutz is a cow
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?