January 22, 2006
Amstutz To Pilgrim: “My Heart Is A Time Bomb”
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Toledo, OH)—In an exclusive Codependent Collegian interview, UT Rockets head coach Tom Amstutz recently came clean about his obesity, and finally disclosed his life-long addiction to food.
Armstutz’s compelling and heart-felt revelations came after UT football had one of their most successful seasons in 2005, with the Rockets trouncing the UTEP Miners in a staggering 45-13 victory at the GMAC Bowl last December.
“I’ve never publicly discussed the fat,” Amstutz candidly revealed. “And really didn’t know where to turn—but all my players read this here Collegian, so it seemed like the perfect avenue. By the way, was that story about the fortune cookie true? God, I love Chinese food. Sometimes I smear it on my nipples and let the dog lick it off.”
Amstutz stoically choked back tears as he discussed his failing health.
“I can’t jog, I can’t screw, I can hardly take a shower anymore,” Amstutz lamented. “The last time I saw my feet was 1992. The 'Skins beat Buffalo that year in Superbowl XXVI. I remember because I ate twelve pounds of nachos in the fourth quarter.”
When prompted about his medical alternatives, Amstutz appeared more optimistic.
“Well, there’s options,” Amstutz sighed. “The wife wants me to get the stomach stapled. After so many failed diets, that’s probably the best route to go. Hey—is this thing almost over? I have a date with some barbecue ribblets.”
