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August 31, 2005

College Of Business To Admit Chimps, Baboons

By: Billy Pilgrim, Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Dr. Thomas Gutteridge, Dean of the College of Business Administration at the University of Toledo, announced this Monday that the college will accept undergraduate and graduate applications from chimpanzees, baboons, and other high-ranking primates for the 2005-2006 academic year.

“Well, it was only a matter of time really before a business program in this country started admitting apes, so we thought, 'why not be the first?'” Gutteridge remarked. “The business community is well aware of its reputation among other disciplines, so we figured we’d turn the tables on them. The bottom line is, if these young pooh-slingers can look good in a suit, maintain eye contact in an interview, and qualify for federal student loans, then by golly, we’ll take ‘em in droves.”

Many students decried the Business College’s decision as an inane and exploitive misinterpretation of diversity standards in higher education.

Dave Salisbury, a graduate student in Engineering, was quite vocal in his opposition.

“Are these business fucks out of their minds? I mean, it’s not a question of the animals doing the work. That’s a given. I’ve seen those old Ronald Reagan movies—monkeys are damn smart," he said. "And funny, too. Have you ever seen a chimp answer a phone? They just squeal and chomp their big horse-teeth. They have NO idea what is going on. That shit is hilarious.”

August 30, 2005

Cellular Giant Nokia Unveils New “Dildo-Toaster”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Detroit, MI)—After nine months of research and development, the Nokia Corporation released its new "dildo-toaster" product line in a limited Midwest offering, Vice President Marcus Newton announced yesterday at a press conference in Detroit.

“Nokia is fully dedicated to bringing customers fresh technology to enhance their lives and communication,” the executive said. “After the unbelievable success of the camera phone craze that began in late 2002, Nokia realized we needed to stay a cut above the competition."

Newton described the development of the novel multi-purpose appliance.

"We decided to do what we always do when we begin a new product: we bought nine kilos of hash, got our R&D guys ripped out of their gourds, and asked them to combine the two most random household appliances they could think of," he said, munching from a bag of Doritos. "The result is nothing short of genius.”

Newton went on to explain that the dildo-toaster has several unique functions. Its self-cleaning mechanism prevents bodily fluids from corroding its heating coils, while its ultra-responsive spring mechanism would allow toast to eject at the moment of personal climax.

Nokia hopes to begin a national advertising campaign later this fall, and have an improved model available in stores for the holiday rush.

“Ultimately, Nokia’s goal is to usher in a new era of morning satisfaction,” Newton remarked. “A few short years from now, every American will have the freedom to masturbate and brown bagels at the same time. Folks, this is progress.”

August 29, 2005

Counseling Center Gets New Location, Focus

Left: Interim counseling director R. Lee Ermey

(Toledo, OH) Space considerations necessitated the relocation of the UT Counseling Center to the ROTC Armory, but university officials decided to simultaneously give the Center a new mission.

Interim director R. Lee Ermey discussed his treatment philosophies.

"What these pansy maggots need is a good, swift kick in the ass," said the feisty ex-drill sergeant. "I got their 'low self-esteem' right here, at the end of my regulation boot!"

Ermey said that he considers himself a devotee of behavioralist BF Skinner.

"We spend way too much time pampering these ninnies," he said, poking a finger in the chest of this Collegian reporter. "We get 'em bivouacking on the Ottawa River for a weekend eating tree bark, and they shape right up."

Ermey believes that his techniques are effective on all known psychological disorders.

"Listen, instead of crying in their cafe mocha, we give 'em a dose of hard, cold reality," he said. "There ain't nothing that a six-mile hike with a 50-lb backpack can't cure."

August 27, 2005

UT Motorist Group: "Pedestrians Must Go"

Left: UT student "Ginuwine" protests campus pedestrians

(Toledo, OH) Representatives of a pro-motorist group, Tricked Out Car Klub (TOCK), gathered to protest what they call the proliferation of annoying pedestrians on campus.

Sitting behind the wheel of an ultra-mack 1998 E 430 sport with a thumpin' Bose premium audio system, spokesperson "Ginuwine" said that pedestrians pose a threat to motorists in a hurry.

"Yo. So I'm already 10 minutes late for class, and then this motherf***er thinks that those crosswalk lines mean something to me," he said. "Then he gives me this wack "slow down" shit, like I actually care."

Left: Tweaking walkers messing up a dope groove

Ginuwine said that campus police should be ticketing walkers.

"Yeah, boyeeeee. So I'm, like, driving on the winding roads between U-Hall and Snyder memorial, and this bee-otch starts flipping me off," he said, over the pounding def beat. "I'm all like: 'Why you bugging?' and she's all like: 'Get off the sidewalk, freak!' What a wack-ass buttaface."

The group also believes that there should be a new campus parking hierarchy based on automobile quality.

"Lissen up, y'all. Why should those hoopty-driving, class-freaking Jakes get to park in all the yellow spots?" he said of faculty. "They should save those for the big-baller crunks driving da Henny Shiznit, ayeeet?"

August 25, 2005

EIT: New Students Are "Techno-Morons"

Left: Idiot students jacking up UT network with AIM, spyware, and viruses

By: Leeroy Jenkins, Collegian technology editor

(Toledo, OH) The University of Toledo Division of Educational and Information Technology (EIT) released a report on activity during on-campus
resident move-in last week, and highlighted several major overhauls to the university computer policy and network infrastructure.

"We started out trying to monitor the network and encourage academic
usage over the first few days," said Joe Sawasky, interim associate
VP for educational and information technology. "But after
completing a full survey of student network usage on campus, we found
that 97% of their traffic was file sharing, visiting porno sites
and instant messaging."

Sawasky pointed out some of the report's findings.

"Further analysis showed that, on average, every freshman that moved
into a residence hall brought 117 viruses, spyware applications, or
other malicious software pieces into the network," he said. "Much like the STD contamination at BGSU, all these viruses flooded the network when all the new residents plugged in. They nearly crashed the whole system."

Attempts to staunch the flow of invading malicious software soon
escalated into a fierce battle, according to Sawasky.

"First, we cut off the peer to peer networks," he explained. "But that hardly made a dent in the problem. So we cut off all Internet Relay Chat and instant messaging software, but we were already drowning in viruses and spyware."

Sawasky said that EIT managers had to take extreme measures to quell the overload.

"Our network administrators finally said 'Fuck it,'" he said. "Let's face it, these assholes can figure out how to pirate DVD-quality movies before they even hit the theaters, but they don't know a data miner from an enema. We just can't deal with that level of idoicy."

New and returning students should be aware of the following revisions
to EIT policy, said Sawasky:

- No resident internet usage is allowed. None.
- Residence hall and other computer labs have been cleared out, and
the equipment auctioned off.
- Those attempting to force entry into the university network by any
means will have their equipment confiscated and auctioned, as well.

The money saved and will be used to refurbish the offices of the
hard-working, student-centered administrators in University Hall, said Sarawsky.

Noe Coin Scandal Linked To UT Campus

(Toledo, OH) The tentacles of embattled coin dealer Tom Noe’s schemes extended to the University of Toledo, according to an investigation by the Codependent Collegian.

Stacy Krueger, employee at the UT Starbucks, said that Noe came in last year for a café mocha, and paid for it with, among other coins, a 1934 silver quarter.

“I had to look twice, because most of those are out of circulation,” she said. “Sure enough, there it was.”

Calls to the Noe home were not answered.

Krueger said that she instantly pocketed the coin, along with twenty bucks she had been skimming from the till.

“Hey, the melt value on that coin alone is at least 90 cents,” she said. “I might have enough to buy a decent-sized dime bag, if my man Jimmy isn’t being a cheap ass today."

August 23, 2005

Students Angered at Butt-Sniffing Horses

(Toledo, OH) Residents of the new Ottawa House West housing facility expressed frustration at what they perceive as obscene equine behavior.

The source of the disagreement is a series of wire horses, located at the north end of Rocket Hall. The nose of one of the horses is suspiciously close to the rear end of another, according to sophomore engineering student Justin Phillipart.

"Every morning I wake up and see that horse taking a huge snort of the other's ass," he said. "My parents are paying top dollar for this nastiness?"

Freshman Belinda Guggenheim agreed.

"The first time I saw those horses, I said: 'Oh...my...God!'" she said. "They won't allow Janet Jackson to flash a one-second breast on TV, but it's OK for horses to be getting all jiggy out in public? Gross!"

Designed by artist Peter Busby, the exhibit - entitled "The Noble Horse" - is a legacy to the area's history as a grazing meadow.

Guggenheim had another name for the artwork.

"I say they should call it 'Filthy Fillies,'" she said. "And to think that the daycare center is nearby!"

August 22, 2005

UT Student Embroiled In Cell Phone Mystery

(Toledo, OH) Sophomore marketing student Marissa Walker went to check her voicemail Sunday and noticed what she called "an unbelievable event."

"I had to triple-check just to make sure," she said. "It was so spooky - there were no messages on my voicemail."

Walker, who said that she is "like, really popular," does not understand how none of her friends could have called her between Saturday and Sunday nights.

"It was really freaky," she said, adding that she had Sprint PCS look into the mystery. "It's like everyone dropped off the planet or something."

Frantic, Walker called everyone on her list to make sure that they were OK. Luckily, all the members on her Friends-and-Family plan were fine.

Walker was most concerned about a fellow student named Todd, who she met Saturday night at a Beta Theta Pi party. Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, "Todd" confirmed that he was perfectly fine.

"Man, that chick is psycho," he said. "I gave her a fake name and a fake number, but she still tracked me down. She must have believed all that 'I think you're my soulmate' crap I said to score with her."

August 19, 2005

Rocket Patrol Staffer Admits He Just Hates People

(Toledo, OH) Confirming widely-held student suspicions at UT, veteran parking enforcement employee Joe Mengele confided to the Codependent Collegian that he secretly enjoys his work.

"Yeah, I get a bit of a thrill when I catch some bastard without a permit," he said, wringing his pink hands. "I really love it whenever I can find a reason to dish out multiple tickets, because people pretty much suck."

Mengele, who has been making life miserable for motorists since 1994, recounted a recent incident that made him chuckle.

"This girl was obviously late for class and had circled the West lot, I dunno, like 12 times," he said. "She finally ditched her car in a faculty spot and, as she started running toward U Hall, she slipped and fell in a puddle. Man, that was a riot! You know I was back there an hour later to see her face when she got that ticket."

One of Mengele's best busts was when he got to cite an ex-professor.

"The dude gave me a C minus in chemistry in 1995, and I saw him pull his car up to a meter," he laughed. "He put in a quarter and ran his errand. I was on that meter the exact second it went to 'Expired.'"

Mengele nearly doubled over in hysterics as he continued.

"So the old fucker is running - running - when he sees me standing at his car," he gasped. "And I'm like, 'Have a nice day, sir,' but he knew I was really saying: 'You can kiss my ass!'"

Mengele said the best part of his job is the knowledge that he is contributing to a better society.

"Rules are rules, and I am there to make sure they get followed," he said. "Besides, is there anything better than giving a ticket to some skank who turned you down for a date?"

August 17, 2005

Elvis Impersonator Joins Financial Aid Staff

(Toledo, OH) Students waiting for help with financial aid will find their visit to the FA office a bit less dreary if Wally Stensenbrunner has his way.

The 44-year old Elvis impersonator has taken it upon himself to bring a ray of sunshine into the lives of students.

"Hey baby," purred Stensenbrunner to a perky coed, "how's about you and me...candles...and some nice wine?"

UT officials said that, while Stensenbrunner is not an actual employee, he will be allowed to remain in Rocket Hall, since he is enrolled for classes.

"As long as he doesn't get out of line, we can't do anything about this whack job," said one anonymous employee. "We tried putting a Roofie in his Mountain Dew, but if anything he seemed to get more wired."

Stensenbrunner broke into song when the Codependent Collegian arrived.

"Well it's one for the money, two for the show," he sang, "three to get ready for Pell Grant dough, so don't you, slow up my refund, dude."

Sophomore engineering student Jason Vandergraaf was less than ecstatic to see Stensenbrunner.

"What a dork," he said. "And to think we blazed up some nice Chronic in the parking lot just to come in and see this idiot. That guy is totally wasting my buzz."

August 16, 2005

UT Whores Itself Out For Cola Cash

(Toledo, OH) UT President Dan Johnson announced today that the school has reached a major marketing/co-branding deal with Pepsi America that will mean visible changes to the campus.

"All of the major buildings will reflect this partnership," he said. "For example, Libbey Hall will now be known as 'Diet Mountain Dew Code Red Blastoff Zone.'"

The University's sports team uniforms will now feature the red, white, and blue swirls of the Pepsi logo, and the team names will also change.

"Be sure to be at Pepsico Stadium September 1," said Johnson. "The new and improved Toledo Sierra Mist take on Western Illinois in the first game of an exciting football season."

Not everyone on campus likes the changes. Junior Will Powell thinks the marketing deal goes too far.

"Naming rights, OK, that's one thing, and I guess I'll get used to the Lipton Iced Tea toilet paper in the dorms, " he said. "But my biology professor has to open and close his lectures with: 'This PowerPoint has been brought to you by Pepsi.' That crazy old bastard never used to even let us bring pop to class!"

The marketing deal also includes the funding of an endowed chair in Carbonic Studies.

August 14, 2005

Johnson: Incoming Freshmen "Dullest Yet"

Left: Incoming UT freshmen, source of great angst for President Johnson

(Toledo, OH) UT President Dan Johnson minced no words in assessing the intellectual abilities of the class of 2009.

"My God, they are complete morons," he muttered, burying his head in his hands after an introductory speech to freshmen at a Rocket Launch gathering. "How in the hell are we supposed to educate these buffoons?"

Johnson, who has made a name for himself with his friendly, engaging style, shook his head as he pondered the 2005-2006 school year.

"Yes, we have open enrollment, and have to pretty much take every student who applies," he said. "But, come on! It's a miracle some of these blithering idiots can even make change for the vending machines."

The university president decried the cuts in state support for higher education.

"There is no way some of these imbeciles will get through the first year without 24-hour care," he said. "These half-wits don't need tutors - they need goddamn caretakers."

The incoming class boasts SAT composite scores of just 812, and has an average ACT score of just 11. Johnson believes that this is a "prescription for failure."

"Most of our classes have been dumbed down as much as possible already," he moaned. "To get 50% of these simpletons to pass Comp I will require us to retool the course along the lines of 'The Electric Company,'" a long-running PBS children's show.

Freshmen Marcus Osiołek disagreed with Johnson's assessment.

"That guy is just a ... big dummy-head," he stammered. "If he thinks he's so smart, why is he so stupid?"

Johnson rolled up his sleeves in perhaps a symbolic gesture toward theupcoming year.

"We have a job to do in educating these cretins," he said. "I just hope these dunderheads can make the grade."

August 11, 2005

Brennan: "No Benefits For Anyone Not Normal"

(Toledo, OH) UT Board of Trustees President Dan Brennan came out against extending health care benefits to anyone not normal in another meeting last week.

“It’s time that we take a stand against the freaks, geeks, commies, and weirdoes,” he said. “These misfits have run rampant on this campus for far too long.”

Brennan said that non-white, non-Republican, atheistic, liberal-arts types are a “bleeding sore on the buttocks of America.”

“Face it – no one liked these losers in high school, and we coddle them on the campus,” he said. “How are they ever going to fit in mainstream society when they keep talking about crap like diversity and justice?”

Brennan said that the University needs to take a firm, hard stance on non-conformity.

“We shouldn’t bend over and just take this stuff,” he said of freak attempts to subvert wholesome American youth. “We must get on our knees and pray for God to smite these dirty Sodomites wherever they are found.”

Adjusting his shiny black hobnailed boots, Brennan compared the insidious specter of unorthodox lifestyles to metaphorical reptiles.

“Like slithering, muscular snakes, these degenerates wind their way around the neck of the American body politic and squeeze out wholesome life,” he said, gesturing with his riding crop at the unseen menace. “I, for one, will penetrate this conspiracy, and tell these sickos that we will no longer be their submissive slaves.”

August 9, 2005

Martians: “Franklin Park Mall Is Spacist”

(Toledo, OH) A group of concerned aliens descended upon Franklin Park mall this week to protest what they claim is overt spacism.

“Martians from all walks of life shop at this mall, but you never see any pictures of us,” said Grujurb Smarnigalb, a spokesbeing for the group. “Our money is just as good as that of humans.”

Smarnigalb pointed to a collection of wall-sized murals, showing happy faces of affluent mall shoppers.

“Sure. If you have don’t have a third eye in your forehead, they make you feel welcome,” he said. “But if you have the audacity to have been born a little different, they harass you.”

Smarnigalb said that aliens suspected of shoplifting have been subjected to unusually harsh treatment, including body cavity searches.

“Look, this is all payback for those supposed anal probes,” he said. “We never did any of that shit. The humans who make up those claims have some serious Freudian issues.”

Smarnigalb said the group is next going to target Hollywood for its offensive alien stereotypes.

"We're not all a bunch of killers like in Alien or Predator films," he said. "Most of us are down-to-Earth, middle class types with mortgages and crummy jobs like everyone else. We put our pants on three legs at a time, that's all."

August 7, 2005

Music Prof Remembers Point To Lecture At End Of Class

by Billy Pilgrim, rogue Collegian editor

(Toledo, OH)—Winston Tuttle, Professor Emeritus of Music and Performance Theory at the University of Toledo, remembered the point to his lecture on woodwind improvisation right before dismissing his Jazz Appreciation class last Tuesday. Tuttle, 78, officially retired in 1996, but teaches one course per semester at UT in order to draw his annual salary of $84,793.

The professor has struggled in recent years to recall even simple details about jazz greats like Art Blakey and Herbie Hancock, so he has devised a “rant beyond meaning” style of pedagogical instruction that frees him of minor considerations such as organization or coherence in his lectures.

“I find most of my students are highly engaged and willing to embrace the greatest American art form of the 20th century: jazz,” Tuttle remarked to a literary colleague over a fondue lunch. “They are acutely aware of the racial, social, and theoretical implications jazz invoked during the late 1950s, and they never fail to ask insightful questions.”

“Man, I think everybody sleeps through that fucking class,” said sophomore Robert Gibbons, 19, while smoking outside the Student Union. “I don’t know how old that fucker is, but I swear to God, he’s given the same lecture on Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue, like, four times since the semester started. I’ve had closed-eye visions on acid make more sense than that guy—I’d drop his class if it wouldn’t screw up my financial aid.”

August 3, 2005

Cruise Denies Existence Of Matter On News Show

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian rogue editor

Left: Cruise’s Eyes Smolder with
Hatred for Matter

(Los Angeles, CA)—Tom Cruise, ageless cinematic star of such blockbusters as Endless Love and Cocktail, recently denied the existence of matter in a candid interview with sixth grader Jimmy Baker, anchor of Newport Middle School’s weekly program Newport News.

Cruise, clad in a tight black T-shirt and stylish faded jeans, sat coolly in Newport’s band room behind the woodwind section, flatly rejecting the very basis of modern science.

“What is matter, Jimmy? It’s just stuff," he said. "Stuff that the scientific community makes billions off of each year through the sale of microscopes and those little soda-pop volcano kits from the Discovery Channel Store. It’s bogus.”

Baker, visibly uncomfortable in his clip-on tie, pressed Cruise to be more specific, but only managed to enrage the actor and elicit a melodramatic, Jerry Maguire-esque response.

“Let me tell you this, Jimmy,” Cruise enunciated through clenched teeth, leaning forward in his tiny chair, “I’ve read Newton and Einstein—they’re shit, OK? When I was coping with the mammoth success of The Color of Money, in the full throws of addiction, where was fucking matter?"

Jumping out of his chair, Cruise jabbed a finger in the chest of the adolescent reporter.

"No electrons came to save me then," he said. "It was my faith in Scientology, rooted in the eternal recurrence of my thetan, which pulled me through those dark times. You can keep your buzzwords and hokum.”

Cruise stormed from the band room visibly shaken, bumping three trombone players and knocking over a cello. Newport Middle School Vice Principal Edith Meyer stood by the journalistic integrity of Newport News, and denied recent rumors that their program receives hidden subsidies from the Federation of American Scientists and Bill Nye.

August 2, 2005

UT Bookstore Announces New Buyback Plan

(Toledo, OH) After years of complaints from students, the UT Bookstore unveiled today its “Guaranteed Buck” buyback plan.

Barnes & Noble spokesperson Matt Shackleford said that every book returned at the end of the semester will qualify for a refund of no less than one crisp greenback.

“Students can be assured that they will be able to afford the bus trip back to the crummy little hovel that they call home,” said Shackleford. “Plus, chances are that they might be able to snag a can of Vienna sausages at the Stop-n-Rob with their used book cash.”

Shackleford said that the bookstore will enjoy another added benefit from the plan.

“Our cashiers will not have to waste so much time handing back nickels and dimes,” he said. “Do you know how long it takes to count all that shit out?”

The Codependent Collegian interviewed several students as they left the Bookstore. Junior Carl Stuart seemed pleased with his experience.

“Fuck yeah, me and Tommy raided a bunch of rooms in Greek Village during this massive party,” he said, waving a fist full of dollars. “We got all kinds of books!”

Senior Tim McKinnon said that he was going to invest his rebate - $4 – in a nice lunch.

“I haven’t eaten in a week,” said the emaciated McKinnon. “This may be the last time I chow until they cut my loan check next month, so I better make it count.” He picked out a pizza crust from the trash can as he walked away.

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