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August 25, 2005

EIT: New Students Are "Techno-Morons"

Left: Idiot students jacking up UT network with AIM, spyware, and viruses

By: Leeroy Jenkins, Collegian technology editor

(Toledo, OH) The University of Toledo Division of Educational and Information Technology (EIT) released a report on activity during on-campus
resident move-in last week, and highlighted several major overhauls to the university computer policy and network infrastructure.

"We started out trying to monitor the network and encourage academic
usage over the first few days," said Joe Sawasky, interim associate
VP for educational and information technology. "But after
completing a full survey of student network usage on campus, we found
that 97% of their traffic was file sharing, visiting porno sites
and instant messaging."

Sawasky pointed out some of the report's findings.

"Further analysis showed that, on average, every freshman that moved
into a residence hall brought 117 viruses, spyware applications, or
other malicious software pieces into the network," he said. "Much like the STD contamination at BGSU, all these viruses flooded the network when all the new residents plugged in. They nearly crashed the whole system."

Attempts to staunch the flow of invading malicious software soon
escalated into a fierce battle, according to Sawasky.

"First, we cut off the peer to peer networks," he explained. "But that hardly made a dent in the problem. So we cut off all Internet Relay Chat and instant messaging software, but we were already drowning in viruses and spyware."

Sawasky said that EIT managers had to take extreme measures to quell the overload.

"Our network administrators finally said 'Fuck it,'" he said. "Let's face it, these assholes can figure out how to pirate DVD-quality movies before they even hit the theaters, but they don't know a data miner from an enema. We just can't deal with that level of idoicy."

New and returning students should be aware of the following revisions
to EIT policy, said Sawasky:

- No resident internet usage is allowed. None.
- Residence hall and other computer labs have been cleared out, and
the equipment auctioned off.
- Those attempting to force entry into the university network by any
means will have their equipment confiscated and auctioned, as well.

The money saved and will be used to refurbish the offices of the
hard-working, student-centered administrators in University Hall, said Sarawsky.

Freshmen are morons.
Hey - there's nothing wrong with AIM.

**Hey kids -open the attached AIM file to see naked people!**
Lighten up on the freshmen. Not all of them are blithering idiots, and techno-morons can belong to any class.
Freshmen suck. That's why I date them.
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