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June 30, 2007

Dorm Mattresses to Remain Filthy and Defiled for Fall Term

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Semen, Sweat, and Snot? Just Flip It Over

(College Park, MD)—Despite another long year of bacteria, fluids, and general body soil, the University of Maryland has once again chosen to defer a rigorous cleaning of dorm mattresses in an attempt to lessen budgetary strain.

The move, however, has been met with stern resistance from a large swath of the student body, who have expressed their “horror and outrage” at the low sanitary standards of their beloved institution.

“Do you know what people do on those mattresses?” huffed Brian Parker, a junior majoring in psychology. “I knew a chick—who will remain nameless—who like, had a fucking miscarriage in her sleep last semester. All that dead baby juice just went everywhere, man. What’s nastier, I heard from Vinny [McDodd, my former roommate] that she had a huge gang-bang like, two weeks later on the same bed. And these bureaucrats aren’t gonna clean that shit? Brother, it doesn’t get nastier than that.”

Remarkably, even students with a reputation for low hygienic standards decried the university’s decision and await some form of reprisal.

“Man, I had a week back in April when I didn’t even shower,” boasted sophomore and Phi Betta Kappa vice president Stan Berkowitz. “My ass was nastier than an Auschwitz body pile, but you know, I wasn’t asking anyone to share my funk. Except for Cindy Matthews, but she wouldn’t give it up because she’s a goddamn Catholic prude. But my point is, no one should have to sleep on my shart stains, you dig? Maybe I’ll stop showering again as a form of protest against these fascist pigs.”

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June 28, 2007

Ode to a Beloved Turd

a lyrical moment
by kyle restivo,
codependent collegian poet-in-residence

This is part of a continuing series devoted to poetic discourse and bringing elegiac elegance to the Codependent Collegian's faithful audience. Join us in the celebration of rhyme, whimsy, and lyricism!

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of bad beer I had drunk,
Or emptied some long-chowed tacos to the drains
One minute past, and mine shit-load had sunk:
'Tis not through puking in near parking lot,
But being too turgid in thine massiveness,
That thou, heavy-laid log of my gut,
In some melodious plot
Of rusty trailers, and shadows numberless,
Singest thou of summer like a goat in randy rut.

Forlorn! the very word is like Taco Bell
To toll me back from my beloved lump toward my toilet shelf!
Adieu! the turd treated me so well
As it is meant to do, relieving myself.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive odor fades
Past the near window, over the neighbor's roof,
Down the sewer-pipe; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, my dreams remain aloof?
Fled is that aroma: Lay me on the floor in an exhausted heap.

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June 26, 2007

Arizona Student Defines Self Through Scruffy Almost-Beard

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

DeFasio’s curly neck hair looks eerily similar to pubes

(Tuscon, AZ)—Kurt DeFasio, a sophomore philosophy major at the University of Arizona, has decided in recent weeks that the best way to assert his eclectic, free-thinking individuality is through a scruffy half-beard, despite the uneven patchiness of his whiskers.

“I know, like, most medical experts say male facial hair doesn’t come in fully until the mid-twenties, but science be damned,” remarked 19 year-old DeFasio while chewing a mouthful of Captain Crunch. “I’m so sick of posers, and wannabes, and just…you know, bullshit, that this chinstrap is my way of letting the world know I’m not a drone.”

However, not all members of the DeFasio household condone Kurt’s new aesthetic.

“I swear, we send this boy to college for one year and he comes home thinking he’s some goddamn revolutionary,” huffed Tom DeFasio, Kurt’s father and a Tuscon-area sanitation worker. “I can deal with the lava lamps, and the Pink Floyd posters, and all the goddamn Marx manifestos he leaves lying around the house like he wants me to start a trash union or something, but that shitty almost-beard has got to go. Maybe a few winters from now, sure, he can grow some stubble when we go skiing up in Denver, but right now, he looks like a punk. And I hate punks.”

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Check Out SCORE! Reading Tutors

Subcomandante Bob has not always been an irresponsible, self-medicating wreck, just 90 percent or so of his adult life. He is proud of the progress that Bob Jr. has made in his academic skills, and much of the credit belongs to the reading tutors at SCORE!

SCORE! tutors are trained to help your children reach their full academic potential, and you can find SCORE! tutoring facilities all over the United States. If your child is struggling with reading, be sure to follow the above link and learn how SCORE! can help.

June 19, 2007

Yes, I Just Dribbled Some Pee on My Trousers

A Guest Editorial by Adjunct Professor Lawrence Spitz
Mathematics Department, University of Toledo

Ok, folks, I know it’s the elephant in the room, so let’s just address it like adults and move on: I took a leak two nanoseconds before class started and yes, I just dribbled some urine on my trouser fronts.

Before you all begin chuckling like a bunch of witless howler monkeys, though, stop to consider the fact that I may have some dire prostate issues. In fact, for all you know, I may be recovering from a very delicate and life threatening surgery, so the appearance of whiz droplets on my pants is merely the result of my slow, plodding recuperation.

Well, fortunately enough, that isn’t the case. Like many gifted yet erratic professors, I was excessively multitasking, trying to read the sports page, eat a Granny Smith apple, text my ex-wife Beatrice about getting the kids this weekend, and void my bladder all at the same time, so this faux-pas was merely an accident in the truest sense of the word. In fact, I might have another ‘accident’ involving your final grade, Gordon Reynolds, if you can’t control your mindless guffaws there in the back row.

So unless one of you young ladies finds this oddly erotic and wants to speak with me after class about a very unique extra credit opportunity, I suggest we all turn to pee, I mean page, PAGE! 238 and get on with the lesson.

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CelebrityGossip.com Has All the Juicy News

Go on, admit it - you take a prurient glee in reading about the high-profile screwups of celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears, and you just can't get enough entertainment gossip, van you?

Subcomandante Bob knows this, and that is why he is recommending you check out CelebrityGossip.com. They bring together all the latest news, aggregated from the wire services, and allow you to vote on the day's hottest entertainment stories.

C'mon, Bubba - you know you're just dying to find out if Paris Hilton scored any Bolivian marching powder in the joint, or if George Michael passed out at another busy intersection. Follow this link to get the hottest entertainment gossip site on the Internet.

June 16, 2007

Summer Vacation Lacks Zest of Life in Dorm

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

LaSoto reeling from the lack of Beer Pong, shower sex

(Lexington, KY)—Veronica LaSoto, a junior at the University of Kentucky, has discovered that her life back in the suburbs lacks the constant unpredictability and excitement of dorm life, and she “can’t freaking wait” for the fall semester to begin.

Until then, it seems, LaSoto is destined to spend her summer working at a local Starbucks and enduring Taco Night every Wednesday with her parents at El Burrito Grande.

“I thought coming home would be great — see some old high school friends, go to the beach every weekend, you know,” LaSoto vented. “Instead, all my friends have kids now, I make chi lattes nine hours a day, and pass out on the couch every night watching Seinfeld reruns while my parents screw their fat brains out upstairs. Oh God, I want to hang myself.”

LaSoto whimsically reflected on the constant exuberance of dorm living.

“What I would give for just one Topless Tuesday, or Thirsty Thursday, or Strip-Poker Sunday right now,” LaSoto lamented. “By the time I get back on campus, I’m gonna be so sober and sex-starved, I might even hook up with Nate [Meister, campus prankster and habitual man-whore]. And I’m pretty sure he has herpes.”

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SCORE! Summer Camps

Subcomandante Bob has been very pleased with the success young Bob Junior has shown over the years with the tutors at SCORE! In reading and math, Bob Junior has improved to the point where he is achieving above grade level, and this is especially amazing considering the amount of leaded paint chips he ate in the 1980s.

SCORE! also offers a number of Summer Camps
for students to go through intensive sessions in important academic skill areas. Be sure to check out the Summer Camps to see if your child could benefit from the SCORE! program, just like Bob Junior.

You Can Go Suck Something, and That Something Is My Dick

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Griff Andrews
University of Toledo Junior

Andrews: Ready to Rage in Your Mouth, Professor David

Professor David, all semester you had it out for me, but little did I know you were totally un-fucking-ethical. This morning I finally got back from a few weeks in the Florida Keys with my brother Wes and was shocked, I mean SHOCKED to find you gave me a D in advanced composition this spring. So Professor David, you can go suck something, and that something is my dick.

As soon as I saw my final grade I immediately rummaged through the trunk of my ’92 Accord to find all those papers I wrote. After all, how many of those bitches did you assign over a mere three months? Like, FIVE, you heartless scat-face? Anyway, the one I found was full of your classic, snide-ass remarks, such as “this paragraph really needs more unity” and “Griff, this conclusion would be quite forceful if it wasn’t plagued by run-ons and comma splices.” Well, perhaps you are right Professor David, and perhaps your wife wouldn’t have left you for that new biology prof if you didn’t have that nasty case of neck acne and dress like the autistic checkout guy at Goodwill.

Let me ask you another question: do you actually get off on mocking students in your little coded professor language? What the hell do ‘sp,’ ‘awk,’ and ‘conj’ mean, anyway? I looked that last one up in the dictionary TWICE and couldn’t find it with both hands and a flashlight. So apparently your scheme, if I’m not mistaken, is to lure students in, profess a deep love of writing, and then WHAM flunk the shit out of them for trying hard and coming to class at least 1/3 of the time. Some educator indeed.

So in conclusion, you can slurp on my mushroom-headed pussy thumper, and tell Dr. Borowski, Dr. Findley, Dr. Constence, and Dr. Menelari they can have a mouthful of my salty spite, too. I know they all teach in different departments than you, but they too gave me Ds. May you all line up and spend the next three days throttling my man-meat until tonsils are bruised and your uvulas shoot torrents of blood back up into your sinus cavities.

And yes - all my subjects and verbs match in number, you fucking weenie.

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Bob Recommends CouponChief

Subcomandante Bob does not spend much time shopping online, since he has not yet found a way to stick dollar bills and quarters in the computer in exchange for merchandise.

On the rare occasion when he comes across a lost Visa card or something, though, Bob likes to browse online for good deals, and he always likes to use coupons to get the best deal.

Bob especially likes to check out The Wine Enthusiast deals to see if there are any particularly delicious red wines upon which he can imbibe, pondering life's intangibles as the tannins from a nice cabernet sauvignon slowly tickle his neurotransmitters.

And with Father's Day coming up, be sure to check out Coupon Chief's coupon codes for something really special for that wonderful father in your life. Don't be like Bob, alone in the homeless shelter on Father's Day with nothing but a bottle of cheap hooch and some Toaster Strudles he found in the Kroger dumpster.

June 12, 2007

These Bitches and Their Maternity Leave Make Me Sick

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial by James Wright, President, Dartmouth College

James Wright to Female Employees: “Close Your Slutty Whore Legs”

Folks, I’m not one to complain. As a college president, I have to be a good communicator, care about others, and find redemptive qualities even among people I am apt to despise.

But dammit, it seems like we just finished the spring semester, sent grades home to eager students and their parents, and boom—every woman who works at this fucking college is about to pop with some little belly spawn, leaving male faculty and staff scrambling to keep this campus functional. These bitches and their maternity leave make me sick, and it’s high time they thought about their beloved Dartmouth before creating new life.

Certainly it is not my place to tell some autistic custodian, or snotty administrative assistant, or whacked-out feminist lit professor who believes we live in a rape culture and makes $50,000 a year teaching two classes per term, it’s not my place to tell them what they can and cannot do with their bodies. Apparently not even the Supreme Court can do that anymore. But it does seem curious that as soon as the slow, plodding work of summer policy review, board meetings, and tooth-and-nail minutia of academe demand our critical attention, every twat that draws a paycheck needs three, or six, or nine months off to nurse some blind, wriggling infant while watching “As the World Turns” from the comfort of her own couch.

And I know a summer spent cooped up in an office isn’t fun, especially at an Ivy League institution. But goddamn it, drinking bad coffee, playing online poker, and revising general education objectives until 5 p.m. is the cross we all must bear, ladies, so suck it up. By having the devious foresight to rut without a rubber nine months previous and harvest your husband’s foul jizzism in your bitch-womb is a pretty immature way to dodge your occupational obligations.

So in sum, remember that this is Dartmouth. If you want to be barefoot and pregnant, feel free to give Vassar a call. Otherwise, crap out your pup, let those stitches heal, and get your weepy postpartum ass back to work.

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Undergraduate Recounts Pencil Sharpener Horror

(Toledo, OH) UT engineering student Marla Waiblinger sat down for her exam in Fluid Mechanics, thinking that she was well prepared. She had studied, attended all classes, and remembered to bring a pair of #2 pencils.

Unfortunately for Waiblinger, hers were unsharpened, and the lecture hall did not have a sharpener.

“I though to myself: Oh...my...God!” recounted Waiblinger. “I had 4 minutes until the exam began, and I was without a working pencil!”

Waiblinger asked her classmates for a pencil to borrow, but “they all just looked at me with dull-eyed stares,” she said.

Classmate John Henderson recalled the look of horror on Waiblinger’s face.

“That know-it-all geek was about to piss her pants,” he said. “No one wanted to help her, because she spent the entire semester sucking up to the professor. Plus, with her out of the picture, the curve would probably drop 5 points. Fuck it!”

Waiblinger next turned to the professor, who had no pencils.

She began to gnaw on some of the unsharpened pencils, but was getting nowhere with her efforts. Desperate, she began to roam from room to room in Snyder Memorial, unsuccessful in her attempts to locate the necessary implement.

“My heart started racing; all I could think about was how this was going to totally wreck my 4.0 GPA,” she recalled. “Plus, I don’t know how I would ever be able to face my parents if I failed this exam.”

Luckily for Waiblinger, she spotted a couple of stubby Putt-Putt pencils on the ground.

“I raced back to class with 47 minutes to spare,” she said. “I only got a 97 on the exam, but it was better than failing, that’s for sure.”

Henderson said the entire class groaned when Waiblinger returned.

“Just when we thought that God had given us a gift, He took it away,” he said. “What a cruel, cruel world.”

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Drug Rehab

Subcomandante Bob knows from personal experience the importance of getting help for substance abuse issues. One can only sleep face down on the lawn so many times before the joke gets old.

Stone Hawk knows all about addiction, because those who work there were once addicted. At Stone Hawk we deeply care about addicts, because someone made the effort to care about us.

Stone Hawk stands by their drug detox program, because the program worked for their personnel when other programs failed. Drug addiction is a problem that should be taken very seriously. Start a new life at Stone Hawk and let the healing begin. Learn how to save a life, as well as your family.

June 8, 2007

I, For One, am Glad Paris Hilton's Back in Jail

Guest editorial by a pile of cocaine

Do you know the intense fear of having a Hoovering coke fiend on the loose? No, you do not, because you are most likely not a pile of cocaine, like me.

And news that Paris Hilton got returned to the slammer is just fine by me. I've probably got at least 20 more days before I have to worry about that Peruvian flake-scarfing maniac coming after me.

Yes, I'm a mighty big pile of Bolivian marching powder, but have you seen the schnozz on that skank? I'll bet she could shelter squirrels in that cavern, so she'd have no problem huffing me up in one nostril.

So for me? I am as happy as a cat in a parakeet cage, at least until Queen Blow gets out.

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June 7, 2007

"My Worst Job": An Rhetorical Essay and Stuff

Homework Submission for English 1010
by Roger McCormack, University of Toledo, Summer 2007

McCormack diligently “like, scrubbing and cleaning and stuff”

My worse job was as a tampon eater I had to eat tampons all day long including the applicators and the strings. Ha ha ha all joking aside, though, my worse job was at an Applebee’s restaurant as a dishwasher because of all the things I had to do like scrubbing and cleaning.

First, I got this job last summer just to makes some money for dates, the movies, going to the lake on weekends with my friends, and speeding tickets. I thought it would be easy, b/c a friend of mine had a job doing construction and he said it was pretty cool. Anyway, my first day let me know quickly how much it would suck: the plates were filthy, the line cooks were all addicts and single dads, and I was soaked to the bone within minutes because of all the water sloshing. I know you said we should be descriptive and use metaphors, Dr. Johansen, so it was kinda like one of those nightmares were you keep falling and never hit the ground, and then your mom shows up and tears your clothes off, and her tits are purple and glowing, and when she sticks out her tongue its covered in Bazooka Joe comics. To sum it up, it was hell and stuff.

Finally it came time for my break, which was gonna be cool because one of the waitresses was hot and said she had a joint, but it turned out she was just a flirt which is maybe what I’ll write my next essay on, ha ha ha. I was so sick of smelling hamburger grease and buttery mashed potatoes I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything other than a few rolls and glass of Coke, and then it seemed like my entire half hour zipped by and I was back sloshing in the muck. I’ll try another metaphor it was like I was the sea captain on some voyage doomed by God and the waves kept crashing over the deck and everyone is like “what the hell we gonna do, cap’n?” and I’m like “I got no fucking idea God hates us and stuff!” and one guy is puking his brains out and bursts a blood vessel in his left eye from all the puking and stuff.

In conclusion, this job totally sucked because it blew ass. I still work there 20-30 hours a week and hope to quit some day. I might just take a job eating tampons if things don’t get better, ha ha ha. Anyway, that’s it. P.S. I’m sorry to email this three days late, Dr. Johansen, but I’ve had some “issues” with my girlfriend Olivia and things aren’t going well, not talking to me, etc. Maybe if you assign a paper about why some people are whore bitches and are programmed to hate me I can write about her. So thanks for understanding. P.P.S. Please email me my grade soon, like later today.

Bob Recommends You Visit The Thrifty Scot

Subcomandante Bob knows that many of you are burdened with high levels of debt. Between the student loans, credit cards, and the $100 bucks you owe to this dude named Tino who lives on the first floor - and with whom you do some "business" - you are up to your eyeteeth in debt.

If you carry high levels of debt, there are a number of resources available for debt help. One of the places you can turn is a website called The Thrifty Scot, which features a ton of articles on debt-related matters as debt help for high risk borrowers and foolish debt consolidation options.

But, whatever you do - take care of your debt, pal. Those creditors never really go away, and it would be terrible if you won the lottery or something and had it all sucked away by a line of creditors.

Economics Prof Blurs Reality with Euphemisms

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Professor Gerald Stewart, department chair in Economics at the University of Toledo, regularly camouflages the harsh realities of capitalism by teaching laissez-faire theory through the exclusive use of euphemisms.

Students note that Stewart regularly refers to colonialism as “outsourcing,” insider trading as “tip swapping,” and exploitation of third-world governments as “the bartering process.”

“That old bastard makes $89K a year and has taught the same three courses since 1974,” huffed Jon Ponderosa, a junior in nursing. “I sent him an email last week about a tough homework question, and he never responded. I don’t think he even knows what the internet is.”

Professor Stewart’s colleagues are quick to defend his pedagogy, however, and note his life-long dedication to the educational process.

“Gerry could have chosen a career in the private sector, but instead he has spent the past two decades teaching these liberal pansies about Reaganomics and mercantilism,” observed Dr. Chuck Miller. “Maybe when these kids are paying that $3.89 trillion national debt in a few years, they’ll finally realize how truly brilliant our theories are.”

Bob Gives Two Thumbs Up for Spy Sweeper

Subcomandante Bob once visited a rather risque website; let's just say it featured ladies of negotiable virtue. Oh, it was a grand time in cyberspace that night, and after a few drinks Bob and his new cyber-friend were hitting it off quite well.

Of course, there is a strong likelihood that "Heather" might not have been the blonde vixen her avatar advertised, but that is irrelevant to our discussion.

Before Bob knew it, his laptop began to act in strange ways. He heard whirring at all hours of the night, a likely indicator that his machine was being ordered by spyware to perform creepy functions, like emailing all of his friends naked pictures of Della Reese.

Later Bob found out HE mailed the candid Della Reese shots, but that's another story. The point is that Bob's computer became infected with all sorts of ITDs (Internet Transmitted Diseases) by visiting that lurid site, and he should have made sure he was protected.


Spy Sweeper is a spyware detection and protection program that offers consumers like Bob a user-friendly and state-of-the-art protection against spyware.

Bottom line: spyware grows more sophisticated each and every day. There's ever more spyware, and it's growing more dangerous with every breath you take, Bubba. Software experts agree that Spy Sweeper provides the most advanced spyware detection, blocking and removal available to beat dangerous spyware programs.

So don't be like Bob - get yourself a copy of Spy Sweeper today!

June 5, 2007

Student Sure Summer School Prof is Former Porn Star

Left: Hot for teacher?

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Charlottesville, VA)—University of Virginia sophomore Rick Crowley was dreading the prospect of taking summer classes again this year, until he had a startling revelation on his first day: his Biology professor was a former porn actress.

“I can’t believe it,” beamed an ecstatic Crowley. “I couldn’t find a clean shirt this morning, barely had time to grab a seat—in a word, shit wasn’t going my way. And then, outa nowhere, these gorgeous tits walk in wearing a lab coat. It was damn near spiritual.”

An exclusive investigation by the Codependent Collegian has revealed that Dr. Cait Evangelina—formerly known as Misty Bottoms—was recently hired by UV as an adjunct science professor, and completed her PhD in biochemistry last spring.

And while Dr. Evangelina appears to have put her wanton past behind her, it is only a matter of time before other students recognize her dubious past.

“Its gonna be a lot easier paying attention to a lecture when I know this chick starred in ‘A Fistful of Cock’ and ‘Penis Sheath of Razor Blades’,” beamed an energetic Crowley. “Who better to learn biology from than a woman who’s whole body is a petri dish?” Stephen Colbert

Bob Gets Freaked Out by the Film 1408

Subcomandante Bob is excited about the June 22 release of the 1408 Movie, which stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson.

The new 1408 Movieis based upon a short story by novelist Steven King. The film is placed in New York City, with the Dolphin Hotel's notorious room 1408 the setting.

The film's main character is a horror novelist named Mike Enslin, and his work attacks the possibility of paranormal activity. He begins a project called "Ten Nights in Haunted Hotel Rooms," and he believes his work will expose as frauds the mysteries surrounding some paranormal sites.

Bob is a firm believer in the supernatural, having many personal experiences with events too creepy to be anything but paranormal. Yes, he has already discounted the voices that appear when he doesn't take his Thorazine, or the strange beings who suddenly appear when he is on a Stolichnaya bender.

We are talking real strange stuff here, like when Bob's ex-girlfriend morphed into this demonic, fire-breathing creature who nearly thrashed him within inches of his life. Oh wait, that was related to vodka consumption, too.

Anyways, Bob knows just what Mike Enslin must have been feeling, locked up in a haunted room with nothing but his wits and a Gideon's Bible to protect him from evil spirits. For those of you who would like to learn more about 1408, here is a trailer of the film:

June 2, 2007

Snickers Commits $300 Million to World's Starving Satisfacticitizens

Starving child clutching a life-saving Snicker's bar (New York) In a corporate first, Mars Incorporated - makers of the candy bar Snickers - announced famine relief efforts that will ship billions of the satisfying treats to malnourished people in the developing world.

"We hope to make a substantialiscious contribution with our delivery of nougatocity to the starving millions of the world," said Mars group vice-president Shannon Hertzog. "It's like performing a giant hungerectomy, and we are proud to be sponsoring this satisfectellent program."

Hertzog said that the new "Snickers Relief Campaign" will first focus on "humanitarianifaction" efforts in famine-stricken Chad.

"In contrastializing with the generosifectelleancy of individuals, the international response to the humanitarian crisis in Chad has been very disappointofacticating," she said. "We hope to turn every bumfukacicious village in Chad to a thriving Peanutopolis filled with satisificated citizens living productivifyingly useful lives."

Snickers, added Hertzog, is in famine relief for the long haul.

"Children are literally crying to death in these times of bogusatingly nastializing famine, but Snickers is bringing nougatacious morsels to combatify this hungerliciocity," she noted. "Satisfactelitious scrumptimorsiality efforts will continue until starvification is once and forever substantialiasciously removed from the dontdeservifythisshittery citizens of Chad."

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Student Call Center Rep Is Self-Described "Hella-Marketer"

(Austin, TX) What began as a part-time summer telemarketing job is quickly evolving into a profitable endeavor for University of Texas junior Chris Pressman.

"I could sell a refrigerator to an Inuit and charge him 50% extra for being so far north," he boasted. "I'm not just good - I'm the King of Hella-marketers."

Pressman said that his favorite type of consumer to hook is a younger, single female.

"They are always lonely, and just want someone to talk to," he chuckled. "I turn on the 'sensitive guy' voice, and before you know it they just signed up for subscriptions to a dozen magazines they will never read. Oh, and my personal cell number I give out? Totally fake, and I'll never call."

Pressman added that he's not above "going gay" to make a sale.

"If I get an obviously gay dude on the phone, I start vamping it up," he laughed. "Gays are cool - they have money, they have taste, and they are suckers for a young guy who says he wants to go down on them. BAM! I've sold thirty three-year hookups to Good Housekeeping that way."

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Menopause Resource Site

Subcomandante Bob knows that menopause is no laughing matter, and he is especially cognizant of this fact when he is trying to converse with a sexy older woman at the bar.

Listen - Bob's mom raised no dummies, pal.

At MenopauseAtoZ.com, you can find a great many articles related to menopause. If, for example, you are interested in learning about alternative menopause treatments or menopause symptoms, there are plenty of resources on this site for your consideration.

So if you, or someone you know, is going through menopause, be sure to visit MenopauseAtoZ.com. This will help you understand the life changes women face, and might just help you score with that hot looking 50-something making eyes at you.

Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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