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June 19, 2007

Yes, I Just Dribbled Some Pee on My Trousers

A Guest Editorial by Adjunct Professor Lawrence Spitz
Mathematics Department, University of Toledo

Ok, folks, I know it’s the elephant in the room, so let’s just address it like adults and move on: I took a leak two nanoseconds before class started and yes, I just dribbled some urine on my trouser fronts.

Before you all begin chuckling like a bunch of witless howler monkeys, though, stop to consider the fact that I may have some dire prostate issues. In fact, for all you know, I may be recovering from a very delicate and life threatening surgery, so the appearance of whiz droplets on my pants is merely the result of my slow, plodding recuperation.

Well, fortunately enough, that isn’t the case. Like many gifted yet erratic professors, I was excessively multitasking, trying to read the sports page, eat a Granny Smith apple, text my ex-wife Beatrice about getting the kids this weekend, and void my bladder all at the same time, so this faux-pas was merely an accident in the truest sense of the word. In fact, I might have another ‘accident’ involving your final grade, Gordon Reynolds, if you can’t control your mindless guffaws there in the back row.

So unless one of you young ladies finds this oddly erotic and wants to speak with me after class about a very unique extra credit opportunity, I suggest we all turn to pee, I mean page, PAGE! 238 and get on with the lesson.

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