Codependent Collegian

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Nathan Squire, University of Toledo Class of ‘09

Squire: Baffled By Clear, Concise Prose

Professor Matthews, all semester I have endured your writing assignments like a leper endures open sores oozing puss. I scratch and wail and thrash, but I’ve hung in there for over a month now, hoping you will ease up around midterms.

But this recent essay you’ve assigned, with its moderate four page length and meticulously written guidelines, has confused the shit out of me.

First of all, Dr. Matthews, look how obtuse your language is: “Choose a controversial social issue and compose a four-page persuasive essay that takes a stance based on credible research and your own personal views.” I’ve read that fucking sentence nine times—I said NINE—and still have no idea what you want. Is this a book report? Am I supposed to read something and then summarize it? Not all of us have a PhD in Smartness, professor—try to talk to us like human beings.

What is ‘controversial,’ anyway? When Rita Opal blew my roommate even though she was dating Evan Stoutmire, that was pretty goddamn controversial, but you don’t want a paper on that, do you? Cause sure as shit I could write four pages about that soap opera.

The assignment gets even more cryptic from here: “In addition to the four page length requirement, the other main criterion for this assignment is that you must cite three pieces of recent journalism to support your stance.” Jesus Tapdancing Christ, look who’s breaking out ‘criterion.’ You know, I’ve consulted at least two online dictionaries and still don’t know what that word means. And don’t even get me started on that ‘recent journalism’—is High Times considered journalism? Or the National Enquirer? Because frankly, that’s where I get most of my news, and given that you’re a stuffy pencil-neck professor who chuckles his entire drive home at the idea of confusing kids who are trying to get business degrees and make a living and maybe one day start their own hotel chain, you’ll probably say those fine periodicals are ‘substandard.’

So for an English professor, Dr. Matthews, you sure write crappy. While most other profs bark assignments in passing during their lectures, you give us these meticulously written handouts so we can spend hours and hours trying to figure out what the hell you want.

And after that, a guy can only turn to Miller Lite and Madden ’08 to ease his troubled mind.

Labels: composition, rhetoric, University of Toledo

A Guest Editorial by Devin Briar
University of Toledo, Class of 2010

Briar: Crusading Against the Tyranny of Textbooks and Sobriety

I’m a sophomore this year, which means I’m not playing by any of those namby-pamby rules anymore. I’m a man about campus, a budding scholar, and most importantly, a free-thinker.

And had I bought the textbook for Professor Maguire’s economics course, I could have totally aced that first exam he gave last week.

Let me first say that I didn’t bomb the thing. I earned a respectable 62%, which is still a passing grade. And secondly, everyone knows that Maguire’s lectures are straight-up chapter outlines, so why the hell should I dish out $119 when I’m gonna have a PhD summarize the readings every time I walk into class?

See, the bigger issue is that college textbooks are a scam. Publishers charge exorbitant amounts of money because, as they claim, it’s pretty expensive to produce a 743-page book with lots of color charts and graphs. Well, that may be true—but there’s an added fee for the interactive CD, and then the college bookstore adds their markup. By the time you throw in sales tax, you might as well have bought a triple-chamber bong studded with emeralds.

So if I just take meticulous notes in all my classes this semester, I can maintain a respectable 1.5 GPA without buying a single book. And as I’ve already said—it’s about standing up for what I believe in. That, and making sure I have enough cash to score some Kind Bud every Friday.

Labels: textbooks, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Milligan: All Out of Material

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo sophomore Owen Milligan has endured a long and brutal summer due to his lack of contact with young women, which has reduced his masturbatory explorations to quick palm-jobs to whatever mildly erotic material he can unearth in his parent’s home.

Thankfully, Milligan’s sexual hell of “chaffed, stilted whacking” has come to an abrupt end, as his return to the university this week was greeted by a bevy of voluptuous coeds, all clad in the latest skank attire.

“Man, June was a breeze because I still had this vivid memory of Tracy Kiplinger passing out at the final exam kegger, when her left nipple totally slid out of her halter top,” Milligan explained. “But since my parents don’t have cable TV or the internet, I was in a world of hurt by July 4th. Do you know what it’s like to beat your meat to your little sister’s copy of Cosmo Teen? Sir, I don’t wish that shit on nobody.”

Toledo Coeds Prepare for Another Year of Stimulation

Mulligan’s reintegration with “hot coed ass” has not only reinvigorated his spirits, but also recharged his sexual potency.

“I know it’s just Toledo, but I swear—there’s more T&A crawling around here than Cinemax softcore,” Mulligan boasted. “And maybe if my parents weren’t such cheap fucks, I could have watched some Cinemax softcore and not come back to college with a boner the size of the Eiffel Tower.”

Labels: Sophomores, Toledo, University of Toledo

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

A Blissful Jenkins After Flunking Ten Students Last Fall

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo business professor Rachael Jenkins is, according to many, “one of the toughest bitch profs on campus,” and has a stern reputation for failing large numbers of her students each semester due to her vindictive nature.

But now that summer is in full bloom, and the fall semester is still nearly two months away, Jenkins must endure flunk withdrawal, and spends her days pining for the haughty satisfaction she receives when browbeating daft undergraduates.

“It’s really a bummer,” huffed Jenkins while playing Mario Brothers on an antique Nintendo console in her Ottawa Hills home. “I mean, normally when I have a bad day, I can just decide not to curve an exam or something, and BOOM—all those Ds become Fs. But yesterday I was in Starbucks and the service sucked, and I couldn’t even make anyone stay after class. It was totally depressing.”

Jenkins went on to demarcate how the power structure of the real world varies from that in her classroom.

“I tell those punks on the first day: half of you people are going to fail, especially if it’s one of my economics course,” Jenkins explained. “And then I always get a few weepers around Christmas because an ‘I’ [incomplete in the course] would prevent them from losing their scholarship money, but screw ‘em. Sad thing is, though, when I’m at the grocery store, or buying stamps, it’s like people don’t even know I have a PhD. Maybe the government should give professors little gold stars on their clothes to let people know we’re better than everyone else.”

Labels: grading, professors, University of Toledo

A Guest Editorial by Adjunct Professor Lawrence Spitz
Mathematics Department, University of Toledo

Ok, folks, I know it’s the elephant in the room, so let’s just address it like adults and move on: I took a leak two nanoseconds before class started and yes, I just dribbled some urine on my trouser fronts.

Before you all begin chuckling like a bunch of witless howler monkeys, though, stop to consider the fact that I may have some dire prostate issues. In fact, for all you know, I may be recovering from a very delicate and life threatening surgery, so the appearance of whiz droplets on my pants is merely the result of my slow, plodding recuperation.

Well, fortunately enough, that isn’t the case. Like many gifted yet erratic professors, I was excessively multitasking, trying to read the sports page, eat a Granny Smith apple, text my ex-wife Beatrice about getting the kids this weekend, and void my bladder all at the same time, so this faux-pas was merely an accident in the truest sense of the word. In fact, I might have another ‘accident’ involving your final grade, Gordon Reynolds, if you can’t control your mindless guffaws there in the back row.

So unless one of you young ladies finds this oddly erotic and wants to speak with me after class about a very unique extra credit opportunity, I suggest we all turn to pee, I mean page, PAGE! 238 and get on with the lesson.

Labels: pee, University of Toledo, wet pants

(Toledo, OH) UT engineering student Marla Waiblinger sat down for her exam in Fluid Mechanics, thinking that she was well prepared. She had studied, attended all classes, and remembered to bring a pair of #2 pencils.

Unfortunately for Waiblinger, hers were unsharpened, and the lecture hall did not have a sharpener.

“I though to myself: Oh...my...God!” recounted Waiblinger. “I had 4 minutes until the exam began, and I was without a working pencil!”

Waiblinger asked her classmates for a pencil to borrow, but “they all just looked at me with dull-eyed stares,” she said.

Classmate John Henderson recalled the look of horror on Waiblinger’s face.

“That know-it-all geek was about to piss her pants,” he said. “No one wanted to help her, because she spent the entire semester sucking up to the professor. Plus, with her out of the picture, the curve would probably drop 5 points. Fuck it!”

Waiblinger next turned to the professor, who had no pencils.

She began to gnaw on some of the unsharpened pencils, but was getting nowhere with her efforts. Desperate, she began to roam from room to room in Snyder Memorial, unsuccessful in her attempts to locate the necessary implement.

“My heart started racing; all I could think about was how this was going to totally wreck my 4.0 GPA,” she recalled. “Plus, I don’t know how I would ever be able to face my parents if I failed this exam.”

Luckily for Waiblinger, she spotted a couple of stubby Putt-Putt pencils on the ground.

“I raced back to class with 47 minutes to spare,” she said. “I only got a 97 on the exam, but it was better than failing, that’s for sure.”

Henderson said the entire class groaned when Waiblinger returned.

“Just when we thought that God had given us a gift, He took it away,” he said. “What a cruel, cruel world.”

Labels: pencil sharpener, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Dr. Thomas Gutteridge, Dean of the College of Business Administration at the University of Toledo, announced this Monday that the college will accept undergraduate and graduate applications from chimpanzees, baboons, and other high-ranking primates for the 2005-2006 academic year.

“Well, it was only a matter of time really before a business program in this country started admitting apes, so we thought, 'why not be the first?'” Gutteridge remarked. “The business community is well aware of its reputation among other disciplines, so we figured we’d turn the tables on them. The bottom line is, if these young pooh-slingers can look good in a suit, maintain eye contact in an interview, and qualify for federal student loans, then by golly, we’ll take ‘em in droves.”

Many students decried the Business College’s decision as an inane and exploitive misinterpretation of diversity standards in higher education.

Dave Salisbury, a graduate student in Engineering, was quite vocal in his opposition.

“Are these business fucks out of their minds? I mean, it’s not a question of the animals doing the work. That’s a given. I’ve seen those old Ronald Reagan movies—monkeys are damn smart," he said. "And funny, too. Have you ever seen a chimp answer a phone? They just squeal and chomp their big horse-teeth. They have NO idea what is going on. That shit is hilarious.”

Labels: baboons, chimps, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Parrish, moments before his historic marker usage

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo Professor Robert Parrish has, by most accounts, led a dismal existence. Single, academically modest, and shy to a fault outside the classroom, Parrish has few friends to bring zest or impulsiveness to his “daily grind.”

So it was with great fanfare and exuberance that Parrish awoke earlier this morning, confident that this would be the day he finally broke in his new dry erase marker.

“I normally roll out of bed around 7-ish for my 9 a.m. freshman composition class,” Parrish noted while sloppily chomping on a tuna sandwich. “But man, this morning, I was wide-eyed by quarter after six. The mere thought of those toxic fumes and sharply-defined independent clauses made me want to get this train on the tracks.”

Parrish outlined why this occasion was worthy of momentous treatment.

“Do you know what it’s like diagramming sentences with a mushy tip?” Parrish posed. “I do. I’ve been doing it with the same piece-of-trash marker since January. And while some of my colleagues whimsically change markers every week, I have the department’s best interests at heart. These things cost nearly $1.37 a piece—not something to take lightly.”

For their part, Parrish’s faculty cohorts in the English department have tried their best to let Parrish relish his marker celebration without mockery or pity.

“Jesus, it’s about time he got a new marker,” huffed Dr. Janice Holbrech, a medieval literature specialist. “Parrish is awkward as an altar boy unless you get him talking about markers, and then you’d think he was single-handedly saving academia from financial ruin. That guy needs to get laid worse than a pock-faced merchant seaman.”

Labels: medieval literature, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Muldowsky: Hard to make the Benjamins with the TSO

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo alumnus Rick Muldowsky always hoped that his degree in music composition and performance would lead to a lifelong career with nationally respected symphonies, and perhaps even his own meager recording contract with a small, independent label.

Instead, Muldowsky has enjoyed a lucrative, if not personally-rewarding, career in mainstream music production by composing numerous radio jingles and porno soundtracks since his 1994 graduation.

“When I left university, I had all these lofty plans—spend a few years apprenticing with the Toledo Symphony, maybe some late-night disc jockeying for public radio—you know, make a name for myself before relocating to Boston or New York,” Muldowsky explained while oiling his trumpet valves. “But I make less than ten grand a year with the TSO, so when the director for ‘Lord of the Dongs’ called about doing a score for his trilogy, let’s just say my ears were open. The rest is history.”

Shaking the moneymaker

Since that fateful phone-call, Muldowsky has been a self-proclaimed “whore at the low-brow music gang-bang,” working as both a composer and performer on countless commercials and erotic films.

“Ohio state lottery jingle? Mine. Riff for the new Bowling Green University ad? Mine. Soundtrack for the ‘Ass-to-Mouth Chronicles,’ numbers 1-13? All mine,” Muldowsky vented with a mixture of pride and self-loathing. “I only hope that someone at Sony Classical hears one of my compositions while beating their meat and looks me up. If I have to write three-part cello harmonies for one more lesbian mud-fight, I’m gonna lose my mind.”

Labels: Toledo Symphony, University of Toledo

(Toledo, OH) Junior finance major Megan Vandersteen thought she was signing up for a "nice little Humanities class" when she registered for Intro to Philosophy, but she got more than she bargained for.

"All I wanted to do was kill a requirement and have some fun," she said, staring down at her feet. "Now I am all messed up in the head, thanks to that professor."

The third-year student said that, since taking the course, she has begun to question her values.

"I had it all planned out: BA, MBA, corporate career, CEO of a mid-sized investment bank, the whole bit," she said. "Now I'm thinking about crazy shit like the Peace Corps and social work. I want my old life back."

Philosophy professor Greg Schadenfreude took issue with Vandersteen's comments, noting that the student may have had unrealistic expectations.

"Look, it's an intro course that covers everything from Aristotle to Foucault," he said. "It's not my fault that this whack job took all that stuff seriously."

Schadenfreude said that the confused student is beginning to appear threatening.

"OK, I understand the calls to my house and office during the term," he said. "But this psycho is hanging around my lake cottage, leaving treatises on my windshield, and even sitting next to me at Mass. I'm getting a little freaked here."

Vandersteen said that she would gladly stop pestering the instructor, who has been "less than helpful" in her time of need.

"All I want is what that man took from me," she said.

Labels: philosophy, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The boys with their boob balloons before the arrival of the mystery guest

(Toledo, OH)—Four graduate students at the University of Toledo awoke this morning to pounding headaches, bitter mouths, and another lazy afternoon of swapping sex stories from the night before.

Curiously, though, they also woke to the discovery of a pair of ‘mystery panties,’ left by an unidentified female reveler the night before.

“I had one of those really cleansing pukes around 9 o'clock, so I stumbled into the kitchen to see if there were any Pop Tarts left,” remarked Chuck Ewing, a PhD candidate in mathematics. “I rounded the corner only to find this silky pair of black panties just, like, chilling on the linoleum. And brother, we’ve had some blowouts in the past, but this tops ‘em all.”

Roommate Vic Martin shared a similar sentiment about the origin of the naughty briefs.

“I didn’t know whether to get turned on or ralph again,” Martin huffed while wiping the rum sweat from his brow. “Normally there’s some sort of protocol for this — if the chick was hot, we all take turns smelling ‘em. If she was a fatty, we burn ‘em in the back yard. But this… it’s like a fucking Gordian knot. Except it’s not really a knot. It’s a pair of panties.”

Flyer being designed by the boys to help solve the mystery

Gerhard Stuttgart, who claims to be the last roommate with a few clear memories after midnight, thinks he remembers pieces of a brief encounter with the mystery woman.

"She was a stranger-girl, one of those amazing creatures you meet for only a few moments before you've each gone your separate ways," he said, looking wistfully into the distance as her sipped a warm beer from the previous night. "I enjoy falling in love with strangers, because they will never be anything more than the fantasies you make up about them, and reality will never interfere. She had this beautiful red hair, so unbelievably crimson that it was hard to tell where it ended and the shrimp sauce spilled on the couch began. I can still feel how momentous that moment was, and it felt so big I thought it might fuck up the planetary gravitational forces and bring a chunk of the gray winter sky crashing down on Toledo. That, or it was the three tabs of acid I had just chewed, but I'm pretty sure those hadn't kicked in yet."

Labels: hangovers, panties, University of Toledo