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April 19, 2007

UT College of Business to Admit Baboons, Chimps

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Dr. Thomas Gutteridge, Dean of the College of Business Administration at the University of Toledo, announced this Monday that the college will accept undergraduate and graduate applications from chimpanzees, baboons, and other high-ranking primates for the 2005-2006 academic year.

“Well, it was only a matter of time really before a business program in this country started admitting apes, so we thought, 'why not be the first?'” Gutteridge remarked. “The business community is well aware of its reputation among other disciplines, so we figured we’d turn the tables on them. The bottom line is, if these young pooh-slingers can look good in a suit, maintain eye contact in an interview, and qualify for federal student loans, then by golly, we’ll take ‘em in droves.”

Many students decried the Business College’s decision as an inane and exploitive misinterpretation of diversity standards in higher education.

Dave Salisbury, a graduate student in Engineering, was quite vocal in his opposition.

“Are these business fucks out of their minds? I mean, it’s not a question of the animals doing the work. That’s a given. I’ve seen those old Ronald Reagan movies—monkeys are damn smart," he said. "And funny, too. Have you ever seen a chimp answer a phone? They just squeal and chomp their big horse-teeth. They have NO idea what is going on. That shit is hilarious.”

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