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July 17, 2007

Professor Endures Summer Flunk Withdrawal

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

A Blissful Jenkins After Flunking Ten Students Last Fall

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo business professor Rachael Jenkins is, according to many, “one of the toughest bitch profs on campus,” and has a stern reputation for failing large numbers of her students each semester due to her vindictive nature.

But now that summer is in full bloom, and the fall semester is still nearly two months away, Jenkins must endure flunk withdrawal, and spends her days pining for the haughty satisfaction she receives when browbeating daft undergraduates.

“It’s really a bummer,” huffed Jenkins while playing Mario Brothers on an antique Nintendo console in her Ottawa Hills home. “I mean, normally when I have a bad day, I can just decide not to curve an exam or something, and BOOM—all those Ds become Fs. But yesterday I was in Starbucks and the service sucked, and I couldn’t even make anyone stay after class. It was totally depressing.”

Jenkins went on to demarcate how the power structure of the real world varies from that in her classroom.

“I tell those punks on the first day: half of you people are going to fail, especially if it’s one of my economics course,” Jenkins explained. “And then I always get a few weepers around Christmas because an ‘I’ [incomplete in the course] would prevent them from losing their scholarship money, but screw ‘em. Sad thing is, though, when I’m at the grocery store, or buying stamps, it’s like people don’t even know I have a PhD. Maybe the government should give professors little gold stars on their clothes to let people know we’re better than everyone else.”

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