Codependent Collegian

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

A Blissful Jenkins After Flunking Ten Students Last Fall

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo business professor Rachael Jenkins is, according to many, “one of the toughest bitch profs on campus,” and has a stern reputation for failing large numbers of her students each semester due to her vindictive nature.

But now that summer is in full bloom, and the fall semester is still nearly two months away, Jenkins must endure flunk withdrawal, and spends her days pining for the haughty satisfaction she receives when browbeating daft undergraduates.

“It’s really a bummer,” huffed Jenkins while playing Mario Brothers on an antique Nintendo console in her Ottawa Hills home. “I mean, normally when I have a bad day, I can just decide not to curve an exam or something, and BOOM—all those Ds become Fs. But yesterday I was in Starbucks and the service sucked, and I couldn’t even make anyone stay after class. It was totally depressing.”

Jenkins went on to demarcate how the power structure of the real world varies from that in her classroom.

“I tell those punks on the first day: half of you people are going to fail, especially if it’s one of my economics course,” Jenkins explained. “And then I always get a few weepers around Christmas because an ‘I’ [incomplete in the course] would prevent them from losing their scholarship money, but screw ‘em. Sad thing is, though, when I’m at the grocery store, or buying stamps, it’s like people don’t even know I have a PhD. Maybe the government should give professors little gold stars on their clothes to let people know we’re better than everyone else.”

Labels: grading, professors, University of Toledo

Guest editorial by Josh Obelin, Penn State Class of 2009

We took our Geology final last Tuesday, and I know you are a busy person, but could you please - PLEASE - post our fucking grades, Dr. Jorgenson?

I mean, how long does it really take to grade fifty multiple choice tests and put a letter after our names on the university website? It's not like this is 1981, and all you had was a calculator with LED readout.

And since the system is real-time, I think it's pretty crappy that you are waiting until the last possible second to enter our grades. Hell, we even gave you good comments on those stupid evaluation forms - I bubbled in "excellent" for every category, you prick.

So here I sit, ninth straight day, hitting REFRESH every ten minutes, wondering if I passed your goddamned class, while you sit there in your cozy academic home, sipping a latte and taking perverse pleasure in keeping fifty human beings on edge.

And, by the way? I think you should still have to answer emails from us. I have sent you 3-4 emails a day for the past week, and you stopped responding after the first one. And that whole "grades will be in before the university deadline" garbage has to go, too.

Wait a second... DAMMIT! I just hit REFRESH and you STILL haven't posted our grades. I swear to God I'm going to get fifty angry students with pikes, torches, and pitchforks and chase your ass up the bell tower.

Also - can I get a letter of recommendation for the pre-professional program in education? Thanks a lot.

Labels: grades, grading, Penn State

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Bunker on the brink of suicide during fall final exams

(Atlanta, GA)—Georgia State University English professor Matthew Bunker reached his breaking point at the close of the fall term, unable to cope with his immense grading load as well as the mounting committee work he must continually endure to attain tenure.

However, all of this changed earlier this month when Bunker had the startling epiphany that he could grade papers while occupying the lavatory, and thus “take a shit while reading shit.”

“I’ll tell you straight up, Billy — that picture of me about to blow my brains out on the commode is no joke,” Bunker revealed in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “I was drinking six cups of espresso a day, grading every night until 3 a.m., and still couldn’t get my act together. Then, as if by accident, I took a small stack of quizzes into the bathroom one day when I had to unload a massive. The rest, as they say, is history.”

Bunker said that his new pedagogical approach has allowed him to reinvent himself as an educator.

“Before, I used to really toil over the D and F papers, wondering how I failed these young minds,” Bunker recalled as he loosened his paisley tie. “Now, I can just cut a fart, chuckle to myself, and let it go…my new mantra is ‘just pinch it off.’ It has a sort of metaphorical ring to it, don’t you think?”

And while some question the hygienic integrity of Bunker’s system, he remains committed to his newfound peace of mind.

“Yeah, my wife [Meredith] thinks it’s nasty, but she doesn’t have to deal with these brats,” Bunker yawned while stretching in his swivel chair. “If she had 70 customers pestering her everyday during her lunch break at the bank, she’d want to count their money with doo-doo fingers too.”

Bunker noted an additional benefit to his new grading method.

"There's never a problem anymore when some selfish bastard forgets to replace the roll," he chuckled.

Labels: excrement, grading, professors