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January 28, 2007

Professor Relieves Stress by Grading on the Shitter

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Bunker on the brink of suicide during fall final exams

(Atlanta, GA)—Georgia State University English professor Matthew Bunker reached his breaking point at the close of the fall term, unable to cope with his immense grading load as well as the mounting committee work he must continually endure to attain tenure.

However, all of this changed earlier this month when Bunker had the startling epiphany that he could grade papers while occupying the lavatory, and thus “take a shit while reading shit.”

“I’ll tell you straight up, Billy — that picture of me about to blow my brains out on the commode is no joke,” Bunker revealed in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “I was drinking six cups of espresso a day, grading every night until 3 a.m., and still couldn’t get my act together. Then, as if by accident, I took a small stack of quizzes into the bathroom one day when I had to unload a massive. The rest, as they say, is history.”

Bunker said that his new pedagogical approach has allowed him to reinvent himself as an educator.

“Before, I used to really toil over the D and F papers, wondering how I failed these young minds,” Bunker recalled as he loosened his paisley tie. “Now, I can just cut a fart, chuckle to myself, and let it go…my new mantra is ‘just pinch it off.’ It has a sort of metaphorical ring to it, don’t you think?”

And while some question the hygienic integrity of Bunker’s system, he remains committed to his newfound peace of mind.

“Yeah, my wife [Meredith] thinks it’s nasty, but she doesn’t have to deal with these brats,” Bunker yawned while stretching in his swivel chair. “If she had 70 customers pestering her everyday during her lunch break at the bank, she’d want to count their money with doo-doo fingers too.”

Bunker noted an additional benefit to his new grading method.

"There's never a problem anymore when some selfish bastard forgets to replace the roll," he chuckled.

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That's pretty sick - I hope a fucker like that never grades my papers!
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