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April 17, 2007

Breaking In New Marker Is Highlight of Prof’s Day

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Parrish, moments before his historic marker usage

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo Professor Robert Parrish has, by most accounts, led a dismal existence. Single, academically modest, and shy to a fault outside the classroom, Parrish has few friends to bring zest or impulsiveness to his “daily grind.”

So it was with great fanfare and exuberance that Parrish awoke earlier this morning, confident that this would be the day he finally broke in his new dry erase marker.

“I normally roll out of bed around 7-ish for my 9 a.m. freshman composition class,” Parrish noted while sloppily chomping on a tuna sandwich. “But man, this morning, I was wide-eyed by quarter after six. The mere thought of those toxic fumes and sharply-defined independent clauses made me want to get this train on the tracks.”

Parrish outlined why this occasion was worthy of momentous treatment.

“Do you know what it’s like diagramming sentences with a mushy tip?” Parrish posed. “I do. I’ve been doing it with the same piece-of-trash marker since January. And while some of my colleagues whimsically change markers every week, I have the department’s best interests at heart. These things cost nearly $1.37 a piece—not something to take lightly.”

For their part, Parrish’s faculty cohorts in the English department have tried their best to let Parrish relish his marker celebration without mockery or pity.

“Jesus, it’s about time he got a new marker,” huffed Dr. Janice Holbrech, a medieval literature specialist. “Parrish is awkward as an altar boy unless you get him talking about markers, and then you’d think he was single-handedly saving academia from financial ruin. That guy needs to get laid worse than a pock-faced merchant seaman.”

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