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September 9, 2007

Sophomore Refuels ‘Spank Bank’ First Week Back on Campus

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Milligan: All Out of Material

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo sophomore Owen Milligan has endured a long and brutal summer due to his lack of contact with young women, which has reduced his masturbatory explorations to quick palm-jobs to whatever mildly erotic material he can unearth in his parent’s home.

Thankfully, Milligan’s sexual hell of “chaffed, stilted whacking” has come to an abrupt end, as his return to the university this week was greeted by a bevy of voluptuous coeds, all clad in the latest skank attire.

“Man, June was a breeze because I still had this vivid memory of Tracy Kiplinger passing out at the final exam kegger, when her left nipple totally slid out of her halter top,” Milligan explained. “But since my parents don’t have cable TV or the internet, I was in a world of hurt by July 4th. Do you know what it’s like to beat your meat to your little sister’s copy of Cosmo Teen? Sir, I don’t wish that shit on nobody.”

Toledo Coeds Prepare for Another Year of Stimulation

Mulligan’s reintegration with “hot coed ass” has not only reinvigorated his spirits, but also recharged his sexual potency.

“I know it’s just Toledo, but I swear—there’s more T&A crawling around here than Cinemax softcore,” Mulligan boasted. “And maybe if my parents weren’t such cheap fucks, I could have watched some Cinemax softcore and not come back to college with a boner the size of the Eiffel Tower.”

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