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February 25, 2007

Mystery Panties Baffle Hungover Roommates

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The boys with their boob balloons before the arrival of the mystery guest

(Toledo, OH)—Four graduate students at the University of Toledo awoke this morning to pounding headaches, bitter mouths, and another lazy afternoon of swapping sex stories from the night before.

Curiously, though, they also woke to the discovery of a pair of ‘mystery panties,’ left by an unidentified female reveler the night before.

“I had one of those really cleansing pukes around 9 o'clock, so I stumbled into the kitchen to see if there were any Pop Tarts left,” remarked Chuck Ewing, a PhD candidate in mathematics. “I rounded the corner only to find this silky pair of black panties just, like, chilling on the linoleum. And brother, we’ve had some blowouts in the past, but this tops ‘em all.”

Roommate Vic Martin shared a similar sentiment about the origin of the naughty briefs.

“I didn’t know whether to get turned on or ralph again,” Martin huffed while wiping the rum sweat from his brow. “Normally there’s some sort of protocol for this — if the chick was hot, we all take turns smelling ‘em. If she was a fatty, we burn ‘em in the back yard. But this… it’s like a fucking Gordian knot. Except it’s not really a knot. It’s a pair of panties.”

Flyer being designed by the boys to help solve the mystery

Gerhard Stuttgart, who claims to be the last roommate with a few clear memories after midnight, thinks he remembers pieces of a brief encounter with the mystery woman.

"She was a stranger-girl, one of those amazing creatures you meet for only a few moments before you've each gone your separate ways," he said, looking wistfully into the distance as her sipped a warm beer from the previous night. "I enjoy falling in love with strangers, because they will never be anything more than the fantasies you make up about them, and reality will never interfere. She had this beautiful red hair, so unbelievably crimson that it was hard to tell where it ended and the shrimp sauce spilled on the couch began. I can still feel how momentous that moment was, and it felt so big I thought it might fuck up the planetary gravitational forces and bring a chunk of the gray winter sky crashing down on Toledo. That, or it was the three tabs of acid I had just chewed, but I'm pretty sure those hadn't kicked in yet."

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