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June 7, 2007

Economics Prof Blurs Reality with Euphemisms

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Professor Gerald Stewart, department chair in Economics at the University of Toledo, regularly camouflages the harsh realities of capitalism by teaching laissez-faire theory through the exclusive use of euphemisms.

Students note that Stewart regularly refers to colonialism as “outsourcing,” insider trading as “tip swapping,” and exploitation of third-world governments as “the bartering process.”

“That old bastard makes $89K a year and has taught the same three courses since 1974,” huffed Jon Ponderosa, a junior in nursing. “I sent him an email last week about a tough homework question, and he never responded. I don’t think he even knows what the internet is.”

Professor Stewart’s colleagues are quick to defend his pedagogy, however, and note his life-long dedication to the educational process.

“Gerry could have chosen a career in the private sector, but instead he has spent the past two decades teaching these liberal pansies about Reaganomics and mercantilism,” observed Dr. Chuck Miller. “Maybe when these kids are paying that $3.89 trillion national debt in a few years, they’ll finally realize how truly brilliant our theories are.”

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