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June 16, 2007

Summer Vacation Lacks Zest of Life in Dorm

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

LaSoto reeling from the lack of Beer Pong, shower sex

(Lexington, KY)—Veronica LaSoto, a junior at the University of Kentucky, has discovered that her life back in the suburbs lacks the constant unpredictability and excitement of dorm life, and she “can’t freaking wait” for the fall semester to begin.

Until then, it seems, LaSoto is destined to spend her summer working at a local Starbucks and enduring Taco Night every Wednesday with her parents at El Burrito Grande.

“I thought coming home would be great — see some old high school friends, go to the beach every weekend, you know,” LaSoto vented. “Instead, all my friends have kids now, I make chi lattes nine hours a day, and pass out on the couch every night watching Seinfeld reruns while my parents screw their fat brains out upstairs. Oh God, I want to hang myself.”

LaSoto whimsically reflected on the constant exuberance of dorm living.

“What I would give for just one Topless Tuesday, or Thirsty Thursday, or Strip-Poker Sunday right now,” LaSoto lamented. “By the time I get back on campus, I’m gonna be so sober and sex-starved, I might even hook up with Nate [Meister, campus prankster and habitual man-whore]. And I’m pretty sure he has herpes.”

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