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June 30, 2007

Dorm Mattresses to Remain Filthy and Defiled for Fall Term

by Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Semen, Sweat, and Snot? Just Flip It Over

(College Park, MD)—Despite another long year of bacteria, fluids, and general body soil, the University of Maryland has once again chosen to defer a rigorous cleaning of dorm mattresses in an attempt to lessen budgetary strain.

The move, however, has been met with stern resistance from a large swath of the student body, who have expressed their “horror and outrage” at the low sanitary standards of their beloved institution.

“Do you know what people do on those mattresses?” huffed Brian Parker, a junior majoring in psychology. “I knew a chick—who will remain nameless—who like, had a fucking miscarriage in her sleep last semester. All that dead baby juice just went everywhere, man. What’s nastier, I heard from Vinny [McDodd, my former roommate] that she had a huge gang-bang like, two weeks later on the same bed. And these bureaucrats aren’t gonna clean that shit? Brother, it doesn’t get nastier than that.”

Remarkably, even students with a reputation for low hygienic standards decried the university’s decision and await some form of reprisal.

“Man, I had a week back in April when I didn’t even shower,” boasted sophomore and Phi Betta Kappa vice president Stan Berkowitz. “My ass was nastier than an Auschwitz body pile, but you know, I wasn’t asking anyone to share my funk. Except for Cindy Matthews, but she wouldn’t give it up because she’s a goddamn Catholic prude. But my point is, no one should have to sleep on my shart stains, you dig? Maybe I’ll stop showering again as a form of protest against these fascist pigs.”

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