Codependent Collegian

Homework Submission for English 1010
by Roger McCormack, University of Toledo, Summer 2007

McCormack diligently “like, scrubbing and cleaning and stuff”

My worse job was as a tampon eater I had to eat tampons all day long including the applicators and the strings. Ha ha ha all joking aside, though, my worse job was at an Applebee’s restaurant as a dishwasher because of all the things I had to do like scrubbing and cleaning.

First, I got this job last summer just to makes some money for dates, the movies, going to the lake on weekends with my friends, and speeding tickets. I thought it would be easy, b/c a friend of mine had a job doing construction and he said it was pretty cool. Anyway, my first day let me know quickly how much it would suck: the plates were filthy, the line cooks were all addicts and single dads, and I was soaked to the bone within minutes because of all the water sloshing. I know you said we should be descriptive and use metaphors, Dr. Johansen, so it was kinda like one of those nightmares were you keep falling and never hit the ground, and then your mom shows up and tears your clothes off, and her tits are purple and glowing, and when she sticks out her tongue its covered in Bazooka Joe comics. To sum it up, it was hell and stuff.

Finally it came time for my break, which was gonna be cool because one of the waitresses was hot and said she had a joint, but it turned out she was just a flirt which is maybe what I’ll write my next essay on, ha ha ha. I was so sick of smelling hamburger grease and buttery mashed potatoes I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything other than a few rolls and glass of Coke, and then it seemed like my entire half hour zipped by and I was back sloshing in the muck. I’ll try another metaphor it was like I was the sea captain on some voyage doomed by God and the waves kept crashing over the deck and everyone is like “what the hell we gonna do, cap’n?” and I’m like “I got no fucking idea God hates us and stuff!” and one guy is puking his brains out and bursts a blood vessel in his left eye from all the puking and stuff.

In conclusion, this job totally sucked because it blew ass. I still work there 20-30 hours a week and hope to quit some day. I might just take a job eating tampons if things don’t get better, ha ha ha. Anyway, that’s it. P.S. I’m sorry to email this three days late, Dr. Johansen, but I’ve had some “issues” with my girlfriend Olivia and things aren’t going well, not talking to me, etc. Maybe if you assign a paper about why some people are whore bitches and are programmed to hate me I can write about her. So thanks for understanding. P.P.S. Please email me my grade soon, like later today.