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June 26, 2007

Arizona Student Defines Self Through Scruffy Almost-Beard

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

DeFasio’s curly neck hair looks eerily similar to pubes

(Tuscon, AZ)—Kurt DeFasio, a sophomore philosophy major at the University of Arizona, has decided in recent weeks that the best way to assert his eclectic, free-thinking individuality is through a scruffy half-beard, despite the uneven patchiness of his whiskers.

“I know, like, most medical experts say male facial hair doesn’t come in fully until the mid-twenties, but science be damned,” remarked 19 year-old DeFasio while chewing a mouthful of Captain Crunch. “I’m so sick of posers, and wannabes, and just…you know, bullshit, that this chinstrap is my way of letting the world know I’m not a drone.”

However, not all members of the DeFasio household condone Kurt’s new aesthetic.

“I swear, we send this boy to college for one year and he comes home thinking he’s some goddamn revolutionary,” huffed Tom DeFasio, Kurt’s father and a Tuscon-area sanitation worker. “I can deal with the lava lamps, and the Pink Floyd posters, and all the goddamn Marx manifestos he leaves lying around the house like he wants me to start a trash union or something, but that shitty almost-beard has got to go. Maybe a few winters from now, sure, he can grow some stubble when we go skiing up in Denver, but right now, he looks like a punk. And I hate punks.”

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