Codependent Collegian

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial by James Wright, President, Dartmouth College

James Wright to Female Employees: “Close Your Slutty Whore Legs”

Folks, I’m not one to complain. As a college president, I have to be a good communicator, care about others, and find redemptive qualities even among people I am apt to despise.

But dammit, it seems like we just finished the spring semester, sent grades home to eager students and their parents, and boom—every woman who works at this fucking college is about to pop with some little belly spawn, leaving male faculty and staff scrambling to keep this campus functional. These bitches and their maternity leave make me sick, and it’s high time they thought about their beloved Dartmouth before creating new life.

Certainly it is not my place to tell some autistic custodian, or snotty administrative assistant, or whacked-out feminist lit professor who believes we live in a rape culture and makes $50,000 a year teaching two classes per term, it’s not my place to tell them what they can and cannot do with their bodies. Apparently not even the Supreme Court can do that anymore. But it does seem curious that as soon as the slow, plodding work of summer policy review, board meetings, and tooth-and-nail minutia of academe demand our critical attention, every twat that draws a paycheck needs three, or six, or nine months off to nurse some blind, wriggling infant while watching “As the World Turns” from the comfort of her own couch.

And I know a summer spent cooped up in an office isn’t fun, especially at an Ivy League institution. But goddamn it, drinking bad coffee, playing online poker, and revising general education objectives until 5 p.m. is the cross we all must bear, ladies, so suck it up. By having the devious foresight to rut without a rubber nine months previous and harvest your husband’s foul jizzism in your bitch-womb is a pretty immature way to dodge your occupational obligations.

So in sum, remember that this is Dartmouth. If you want to be barefoot and pregnant, feel free to give Vassar a call. Otherwise, crap out your pup, let those stitches heal, and get your weepy postpartum ass back to work.

Labels: Dartmouth, maternity leave