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June 16, 2007

You Can Go Suck Something, and That Something Is My Dick

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Griff Andrews
University of Toledo Junior

Andrews: Ready to Rage in Your Mouth, Professor David

Professor David, all semester you had it out for me, but little did I know you were totally un-fucking-ethical. This morning I finally got back from a few weeks in the Florida Keys with my brother Wes and was shocked, I mean SHOCKED to find you gave me a D in advanced composition this spring. So Professor David, you can go suck something, and that something is my dick.

As soon as I saw my final grade I immediately rummaged through the trunk of my ’92 Accord to find all those papers I wrote. After all, how many of those bitches did you assign over a mere three months? Like, FIVE, you heartless scat-face? Anyway, the one I found was full of your classic, snide-ass remarks, such as “this paragraph really needs more unity” and “Griff, this conclusion would be quite forceful if it wasn’t plagued by run-ons and comma splices.” Well, perhaps you are right Professor David, and perhaps your wife wouldn’t have left you for that new biology prof if you didn’t have that nasty case of neck acne and dress like the autistic checkout guy at Goodwill.

Let me ask you another question: do you actually get off on mocking students in your little coded professor language? What the hell do ‘sp,’ ‘awk,’ and ‘conj’ mean, anyway? I looked that last one up in the dictionary TWICE and couldn’t find it with both hands and a flashlight. So apparently your scheme, if I’m not mistaken, is to lure students in, profess a deep love of writing, and then WHAM flunk the shit out of them for trying hard and coming to class at least 1/3 of the time. Some educator indeed.

So in conclusion, you can slurp on my mushroom-headed pussy thumper, and tell Dr. Borowski, Dr. Findley, Dr. Constence, and Dr. Menelari they can have a mouthful of my salty spite, too. I know they all teach in different departments than you, but they too gave me Ds. May you all line up and spend the next three days throttling my man-meat until tonsils are bruised and your uvulas shoot torrents of blood back up into your sinus cavities.

And yes - all my subjects and verbs match in number, you fucking weenie.

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If this is an example of your writing ability, I’d say a “D” was quite generous from the good professor.

But on the bright side, your writing probably WOULD jump to at least a “D+” if you put a bar of soap in your own mouth!
We apologize for the decline in the quality of our recent posts, and hope that this article on stained mattresses will be more to your liking.

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