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June 2, 2007

Snickers Commits $300 Million to World's Starving Satisfacticitizens

Starving child clutching a life-saving Snicker's bar (New York) In a corporate first, Mars Incorporated - makers of the candy bar Snickers - announced famine relief efforts that will ship billions of the satisfying treats to malnourished people in the developing world.

"We hope to make a substantialiscious contribution with our delivery of nougatocity to the starving millions of the world," said Mars group vice-president Shannon Hertzog. "It's like performing a giant hungerectomy, and we are proud to be sponsoring this satisfectellent program."

Hertzog said that the new "Snickers Relief Campaign" will first focus on "humanitarianifaction" efforts in famine-stricken Chad.

"In contrastializing with the generosifectelleancy of individuals, the international response to the humanitarian crisis in Chad has been very disappointofacticating," she said. "We hope to turn every bumfukacicious village in Chad to a thriving Peanutopolis filled with satisificated citizens living productivifyingly useful lives."

Snickers, added Hertzog, is in famine relief for the long haul.

"Children are literally crying to death in these times of bogusatingly nastializing famine, but Snickers is bringing nougatacious morsels to combatify this hungerliciocity," she noted. "Satisfactelitious scrumptimorsiality efforts will continue until starvification is once and forever substantialiasciously removed from the dontdeservifythisshittery citizens of Chad."

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