Codependent Collegian

Left: Incoming UT freshmen, source of great angst for President Johnson

(Toledo, OH) UT President Dan Johnson minced no words in assessing the intellectual abilities of the class of 2009.

"My God, they are complete morons," he muttered, burying his head in his hands after an introductory speech to freshmen at a Rocket Launch gathering. "How in the hell are we supposed to educate these buffoons?"

Johnson, who has made a name for himself with his friendly, engaging style, shook his head as he pondered the 2005-2006 school year.

"Yes, we have open enrollment, and have to pretty much take every student who applies," he said. "But, come on! It's a miracle some of these blithering idiots can even make change for the vending machines."

The university president decried the cuts in state support for higher education.

"There is no way some of these imbeciles will get through the first year without 24-hour care," he said. "These half-wits don't need tutors - they need goddamn caretakers."

The incoming class boasts SAT composite scores of just 812, and has an average ACT score of just 11. Johnson believes that this is a "prescription for failure."

"Most of our classes have been dumbed down as much as possible already," he moaned. "To get 50% of these simpletons to pass Comp I will require us to retool the course along the lines of 'The Electric Company,'" a long-running PBS children's show.

Freshmen Marcus Osiołek disagreed with Johnson's assessment.

"That guy is just a ... big dummy-head," he stammered. "If he thinks he's so smart, why is he so stupid?"

Johnson rolled up his sleeves in perhaps a symbolic gesture toward theupcoming year.

"We have a job to do in educating these cretins," he said. "I just hope these dunderheads can make the grade."