August 30, 2005
Cellular Giant Nokia Unveils New “Dildo-Toaster”
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Detroit, MI)—After nine months of research and development, the Nokia Corporation released its new "dildo-toaster" product line in a limited Midwest offering, Vice President Marcus Newton announced yesterday at a press conference in Detroit.
“Nokia is fully dedicated to bringing customers fresh technology to enhance their lives and communication,” the executive said. “After the unbelievable success of the camera phone craze that began in late 2002, Nokia realized we needed to stay a cut above the competition."
Newton described the development of the novel multi-purpose appliance.
"We decided to do what we always do when we begin a new product: we bought nine kilos of hash, got our R&D guys ripped out of their gourds, and asked them to combine the two most random household appliances they could think of," he said, munching from a bag of Doritos. "The result is nothing short of genius.”
Newton went on to explain that the dildo-toaster has several unique functions. Its self-cleaning mechanism prevents bodily fluids from corroding its heating coils, while its ultra-responsive spring mechanism would allow toast to eject at the moment of personal climax.
Nokia hopes to begin a national advertising campaign later this fall, and have an improved model available in stores for the holiday rush.
“Ultimately, Nokia’s goal is to usher in a new era of morning satisfaction,” Newton remarked. “A few short years from now, every American will have the freedom to masturbate and brown bagels at the same time. Folks, this is progress.”
