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August 19, 2005

Rocket Patrol Staffer Admits He Just Hates People

(Toledo, OH) Confirming widely-held student suspicions at UT, veteran parking enforcement employee Joe Mengele confided to the Codependent Collegian that he secretly enjoys his work.

"Yeah, I get a bit of a thrill when I catch some bastard without a permit," he said, wringing his pink hands. "I really love it whenever I can find a reason to dish out multiple tickets, because people pretty much suck."

Mengele, who has been making life miserable for motorists since 1994, recounted a recent incident that made him chuckle.

"This girl was obviously late for class and had circled the West lot, I dunno, like 12 times," he said. "She finally ditched her car in a faculty spot and, as she started running toward U Hall, she slipped and fell in a puddle. Man, that was a riot! You know I was back there an hour later to see her face when she got that ticket."

One of Mengele's best busts was when he got to cite an ex-professor.

"The dude gave me a C minus in chemistry in 1995, and I saw him pull his car up to a meter," he laughed. "He put in a quarter and ran his errand. I was on that meter the exact second it went to 'Expired.'"

Mengele nearly doubled over in hysterics as he continued.

"So the old fucker is running - running - when he sees me standing at his car," he gasped. "And I'm like, 'Have a nice day, sir,' but he knew I was really saying: 'You can kiss my ass!'"

Mengele said the best part of his job is the knowledge that he is contributing to a better society.

"Rules are rules, and I am there to make sure they get followed," he said. "Besides, is there anything better than giving a ticket to some skank who turned you down for a date?"

Ain't that the truth?
I know that little punk has been stalking my oldest daughter. Lots of people park without passes yet whenever she has to take a different car and forgets to take the pass?

He nails her. However thanks to you, now I know what he looks like.

There is a special place in Hell reserved for parking Nazis.
Has anyone asked this guy to run for Toledo City Council?
Now wait a minute -

I may have conducted horrific experiments on concentration camp detainees, but your portrayal of me as a sadistic parking enforcement officer is just wrong.


Deep down, I am a nice guy.

And no, I am not living in Argentina. I living in...a brownstone in the Bronx. Yeah, that's it, a brownstone in the Bronx near a delicatessen. That's where to look.

Not Argentina. Nope. I don't even know how to spell Buenus Airas. See?
No way - you can't be Josef Mengele. I just don't believe it.

They...they said you were...dead. I can't believe it.
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