January 1, 2006
By Banfu T. Burnside, Collegian Health Editor
Have you ever had a cold sore? If so, you might have Herpes! Herpes is an incurable viral infection that is often sexually transmitted. The symptoms include skin lesions and blisters, however the infected often show no outward symptoms at all. Just don't let the clear skin fool you. An asymptomatic individual can still shed infectious virions, leading to a serious case of dong-rot.
There are two common versions of Herpes Simplex; HSV-1 is more common in the facial region, while HSV-2 typically affects the "naughty bits." However, it is entirely possible for both virii to thrive in any location, and a rather unscientific study suggests that dong-to-mouth transmission is on the rise.
The fun doesn't stop there, because either of the two Herpes Simplex viruses can lead to a neurological disorder called Herpes Simplex Encephalitis. That disorder is seventy percent fatal in untreated subjects.
Dr. Alan Sharper, a microbiologist and leading researcher on the evolution of the Herpes virus adds, "Herpes is a bitch."
When asked for preventive measures, Dr. Sharper offered the following: "Don't touch shit. You've got no idea who has the herpes, so avoid skin to skin contact at all costs with any human beings."
Dr. Sharper also takes issue with the way many Americans approach treatment. His parting advice: "That chapstick stuff is no cure for herpes, baby. You can't just slather your mug with Blistex and pretend your face isn't a veritable STD Jamboree."