January 5, 2006
By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor
(Toledo, OH) UT economics major, Gerry Goldfarb, seems to have completed an unusual three-week term of piety. Unable to explain what triggered the episode, Goldfarb appears relieved that it has run its course.
"Earlier this month, I got cornered by a panhandler outside of the sub shop," he recalled. "Usually I can just ignore those people, but something came over me."
According to Goldfarb, he gave the indigent man seventeen dollars and half of a meatball sub.
Mr. Goldfarb's friends also noticed the change.
"Last week we were at this house party when this total hottie started leaning on Gerry's shoulder," said Alan Mills, a member of Goldfarb's intramural soccer team. "He was gonna get laid for sure, but Gerry got this really serious look on his face."
Witnesses overheard Goldfarb explain to the woman that she was inebriated, and they stared in disbelief as he sent her home with cab fare.
No longer constrained by his temporary moral fortitude, the second-year student plans to make up for lost time.
"I can't believe I spent last Thursday in meditation," lamented Goldfarb. "I mean, prayer and introspection has its place, but I totally passed up poker night at Rex-Dawg's place," adding, "Let's do a shot right now man."
Goldfarb's housemates issued a brief statement, welcoming him back to the fold.
"We are pleased to recognize the return of our dear colleague: Gerry 'Poon-O-Matic' Goldfarb," the statement read. "Gerry is an integral part of our social network and remains accountable for one-fifth of the rent. We trust that he will continue to fulfill his duties, regardless of any fiscal commitments he may have made to the 700 Club."