.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
January 31, 2006

Roommate Gives State Of The Dump Message

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, addressed his fellow Coppin State housemates this evening.

"Good evening, fellow members of this shithole we call home," said Derrick, reading from a prepared script. "It is with solemnity that I address you in this annual prerogative on the state of affairs of our abode. Wake the fuck up, Jared!"

Lingenschnauffer continued, recounting foreign policy concerns.

"The old woman next door has about had it with us parking on her begonias, and has announced a policy of proactive engagement up to and including putting sugar in our gas tanks," he said. "We are left with no choice but to slip some antifreeze in the water dish of Powderpuff, the bitch's Pomeranian. May we bow our heads in prayer for the brave men who will undertake this mission."

Next on the house agenda were domestic affairs, which Derrick felt had been neglected during the diplomatic crises of the past year.

"We are not a household predicated upon the welfare system, and it is up to each of us to contribute to the financial needs of this place," said Lingenschnauffer, eyeing two of his roommates. "And since Gerard and Weezy here have been freeloading for like eleven months - not to mention being the fuckers who smoked up a half-ounce of Chronic I had stashed - the time has come for them to step up and pay. Dickweeds."

Finally, Lingenschnauffer urged his housemates to put aside partisan bickering during the difficult times ahead.

"I say unto you: knock this shit off," he said, brandishing a Louisville Slugger. "For despite our differences, I will not hesitate to kick the ever-living bejeesus out of any of you. May God continue to bless our house."

State of the Dump? I thought that's what we heard last night.

Ironically, I think that's also how James Frey refers to his belly after a taco binge...
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?