Codependent Collegian

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, addressed his fellow Coppin State housemates this evening.

"Good evening, fellow members of this shithole we call home," said Derrick, reading from a prepared script. "It is with solemnity that I address you in this annual prerogative on the state of affairs of our abode. Wake the fuck up, Jared!"

Lingenschnauffer continued, recounting foreign policy concerns.

"The old woman next door has about had it with us parking on her begonias, and has announced a policy of proactive engagement up to and including putting sugar in our gas tanks," he said. "We are left with no choice but to slip some antifreeze in the water dish of Powderpuff, the bitch's Pomeranian. May we bow our heads in prayer for the brave men who will undertake this mission."

Next on the house agenda were domestic affairs, which Derrick felt had been neglected during the diplomatic crises of the past year.

"We are not a household predicated upon the welfare system, and it is up to each of us to contribute to the financial needs of this place," said Lingenschnauffer, eyeing two of his roommates. "And since Gerard and Weezy here have been freeloading for like eleven months - not to mention being the fuckers who smoked up a half-ounce of Chronic I had stashed - the time has come for them to step up and pay. Dickweeds."

Finally, Lingenschnauffer urged his housemates to put aside partisan bickering during the difficult times ahead.

"I say unto you: knock this shit off," he said, brandishing a Louisville Slugger. "For despite our differences, I will not hesitate to kick the ever-living bejeesus out of any of you. May God continue to bless our house."