Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(New Brunswick, NJ)—An exhaustive, six-month study has just revealed that Matt Leinert, star quarterback of the USC Trojans, is a complete bag of douche, and needs to be kicked in the balls.

The research was performed by a diverse team of grant-funded biologists and graduate assistants at Rutgers University in New Jersey, who insist that their findings are purely scientific and impartial.

“Let us be clear,” stated Dr. Nouj Mahali, Professor of Microbiology and leading scholar on the research team. “This guy is a greasy, no-good douche bag, and probably has at least three STDs. In the parlance of our times, he’s a male version of Tara Reid.”

Leinert’s reputation has suffered slightly after his unparalleled 34-0 streak with the Trojans abruptly ended when they lost to the Texas Longhorns 41-38 in last week’s Rose Bowl, largely due to the stellar performance of UT’s quarterback Vince Young.

And while both players are headed to the 2006 NFL draft and are already courting teams, Leinert’s future is now in jeopardy because of these findings.

“He’s got a great mind for the game, there’s no question about that,” remarked Jan Burkewicz, a leading NFL scout. “But the guy hung out with Nick Lachey for like, half of 2005. If that doesn’t have douche written all over it, I don’t know what does.”